Maybe I Don't Have a Reason to Smile

1

~~Bucky POV~~

"C'mon, Bucky! All I'm saying is that you should give it a shot. I think you'd like it." Steve said while rubbing his temples.

Mentally groaning, I knew Steve wouldn't stop talking about this, "Steve, I don't do that anymore. I bet it would be fun. It's just— it brings back too many memories, Steve. As much fun as it would be to go dancing again, I just can't."

Steve sighed in defeat, "I just think you should get out more."

"I am out Steve." I said through gritted teeth, "I come out with you all the time." I said, trying to keep my calm attitude.

"That not what I mean Buck. You need to have some fun. You don't even participate in anything fun we do back at the tower. You sit in your room all day, not doing anything or you're in the gym." He exclaimed trying to reason with me, which, by the way, annoyed the crap out of me.

"So what? Let me be me. I'm not as social as I used to be. After— after everything that happened, I'm just not the same. I'm not the same person I was. Back in the forties, I would get up almost every night and go dancing. I would dance with all the girls in the whole room. I would be up all night, probably getting myself drunk. That's not me anymore. I don't dance, I don't drink, I don't do anything. I spend my nights either in my room, scared of what I would see if I closed my eyes or in the gym punching things. I just can't Steve. I'm sorry, but I can't." I explained, annoyance coating every word I said. I had explained the same information to my best (and only) friend multiple times before. But he doesn't give up easily. Never has, never will.

"I know you are going to keep trying this Steve," I said, regaining my calm composure once again. "But I can guarantee, you are going to be at it for the next hundred or so years because I'm not changing. This is who I am now. After Hydra screwed with my brain, after they changed me, nothing has been the same. Everything changed. I know it not like it used to be, back in our time. Before the war. I wish I could forget it all. Then maybe I could be. Maybe I could get up and out of the hole I live in. But I can't. Mostly because of this. " I said, lifting my left arm and pointing towards it with my right. "This is what keeps me from forgetting. Why do I feel like I can't do anything without hurting, or killing someone in the end." I finished, cradling my head in my hands. Steve put his hand on my right shoulder and I looked up.

"Bucky, I'm just trying to help you. It was hard for me too. I still have dreams and memories from the war. And then Peggy died. I thought... I thought it was over for me. I didn't even know she was alive till she was gone. I—" he said.

"Then why does it hurt? Why does it hurt as much as it does? We've gone through similar things. We both went through the war. We both suffer the side effects of the war. But, it still hurts. Every day, it's a struggle. As if every wound I have ever caused and received, is on me all at once. Every single day. " I told him.

"Buck, surely that's not—" he said. I tried to believe him, but I just can't. Things have changed for the worse.

"Yes, it is Steve!" I shouted, "This is my life. Just stop trying to change me! It's not going to work!" I shouted and got up to leave the cafe. I put my hood up again and walked down the street, my left hand in the pocket of my faded jeans, my right swaying gently as I walked. Steve knew not to follow me when I got like this.

A girl bumped into me and dropped something. She didn't stop to pick it up, so I did. It was a cell phone. I help it with my left hand and it vibrated, sending a weird sensation through my whole arm. I slipped the device into my pocket and continued going back to the tower.