Behind Closed Doors

Twelve

I look into what a protection order is in the State of Indiana. It's basically a restraining order. To me, what's a piece of paper going to do? To save me from? You see women all the time being beaten or even murdered while having one. But, fuck it. What do I really have to lose at this point? Plus, if he does come back and does any crazy shit, then I will have that to fall back on. So, two days later I go to the City County Building to petition for a protection order. According to the police officer, all I would have to do is prove that Tye was a threat to me and the kids'. When I walked into the office to file, it was in a huge room with the people who were getting marriage certificates and child support as well. So, there are like a thousand fucking people in one room. Everyone stares as I walk to the little area that has a sign that says "Protection Orders." I get weird stares because of my belly. Yeah, this is fucking embarrassing.

When I approach the lady at the little desk, she blatantly stares down at my stomach before she says anything at all. She's an older lady with curly gray hair and glasses. "Betty". That's what her name tag says. How fitting. She looks like a Betty. Pursing her lips, she says, "What're you here for honey?" Betty even sounds like the neighborhood old lady who hands out free candy during the summertime. Looking down at the ground, I begin to tell her everything Tye has done as quickly and quietly as I can. When I'm finished, she's silent and staring at me. Mouth wide open. My body gets super warm, and I can feel my face turning bright red. I'm super fair skinned, so my embarrassment shows fast on my face. Say something, fucking asshole.

"Okay, sweetheart. I'm going to need you to fill out this paperwork and we'll send it to the judge right away to approve the no-contact order. Make sure you put as much details as possible." I quickly shake my head, grab the clipboard, and walk away. There's a younger chick that was behind me in line and I instantly recognize her from high school. Now, I feel twenty times more embarrassed. We give each other a side glance and a small nod. Like a mutual understanding. You didn't see me, I didn't see you. I can't remember her name for the life of me, but I look into the baby stroller she has with her. She has a daughter with big blue eyes. Such a beautiful little girl. It's probably her baby dad too. Seriously a sad ass world we live in. Plopping down in the hard plastic chairs against the wall, I begin skimming the paper. The first page were the basics. Where are you from, what's your address, children, etc. When I get to the next page, that's when the real questions pop up.

"Why do you feel endangered"

"Has this person ever physically harmed you?"

"Have they threatened you?"

Check yes to all of the above. This is fucking wild. The threatened question pings in my mind. Tye had called me not too long ago and told me he's considered killing me. Even though I'm pregnant as fuck with his son. He said it would be easier if I was dead because he wouldn't have to deal with me after Zeke was here. Jokes on you buddy, you won't be. Fuck that. After I finish the paperwork, I waddle back up to the clerk and hand her the clipboard.

"Okay sweetheart, we'll send this to the judge and you will get a text notification when the judge approves it. Please, hunny, be safe."

"Okay sweetheart, we'll send this to the judge and you will get a text notification when the judge approves it. Please honey, be safe." Betty grasps my hand when she says that. That's what I mean when I say this shit is embarrassing. All these people pity me because I have a psychopath who's obsessed with me. They see me and they feel bad for me. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me! Fuck that. I'm not some charity case. I used to laugh at people like myself. "Who would let themselves ever get involved with someone like that? I could never." Anytime someone ever even treated me bad, I fucking left. No second chances, no excuses. That was it. Now look at me. A fucking wreck. I can only associate hate with Tye. I despise him for everything he's ever put me through. And my kids. Acen asks about him all the time. He had been around Acen since he was about nine months old. Tye doesn't give a fuck about him either. Leon never really took to Tye like Acen did. That should have been my first clue. Tyehasn't even attempted to reach out to me, but occasionally to talk shit. I'mfucking glad too. I dibble and dabbled with new families for Zeke, but didn't seeanyone who I would trust with my child. With that being said, I'm keeping him. I'mgoing to do my best to love him unconditionally like Leon and Acen. It makes mereally nervous, you know? What if I don't love him? What if he looks exactlylike Tye? I'll be fucking pissed.

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Three weeks go by and everything is relatively quiet. It's beautiful outside. The weather is to that point in Indiana where it's early May, but humid as fuck outside in the afternoon. I finally put the crib in my bedroom to prepare for Zeke. He'll be born next Friday at 2 PM. I can only have C-Sections because my body doesn't dilate, so we were able to schedule the surgery in advance. Of course, this whole weekend I have been in and out of the hospital with contractions. The doctors won't take him because "my contractions aren't close enough together." What's craziest is, if I go into labor on my own, I could die or Zeke could because my placenta could rupture. Glad to know they take this seriously.

It's a decently hot Sunday today. Leon was invited to a little boy's birthday party from Acen's daycare so I went ahead and took him. Since it's technically Darrin's weekend, I had to go pick him up myself. Usually we alternate. One of us picks up, one of us drops off. Simple shit. It's literally cake dealing with Darrin and Miranda. The birthday party is super cute, though. The party is cowboy themed. It's at some little farm. Leon is going to have an absolute fit. I probably haven't mentioned this, but Leon was diagnosed as Autistic about halfway through my pregnancy. It was a big pill to swallow. On top of all the extra shit going on. He started therapy in April, so he talks a little better now. Before, he never said anything. He'd only scream. Occasionally he would even hit himself or bang his head on the floor. But that's a story for a different day. It's easier to take him out in public now without him getting overly stressed. When we pull up to the farm, he goes nuts.

"Mommy, horses! Pet horses!"

I look into my rearview mirror and can see the excitement on his face. Chuckling a little bit, I respond, "Yeah baby! We can go see the horses! Remember, you have to tell Henry Happy Birthday and give him his gift okay?" Leon nods his head at me. His big blue eyes full of wonder. I'm sure he'll really enjoy it. We ride horses, pet goats, and feed turkeys over the course of two hours. Along with birthday cake and presents. Leon kept trying to open Henry's presents. It was sort of embarrassing, but since this is everyone from his brother's daycare, they know he has autism. Towards the end of the party, my body is on fire. I've never been in this much pain in my entire life. As we're leaving, I get this really weird pain in my belly. Grabbing my stomach, I hunch over and try to subside the pain. Fuck. What the fuck. I never had active labor with Leon or Acen, so I have no idea what is going on. I'm freaked out, I know that. As soon as I can load up Leon into the car, we are out of here.

When we finally get back home, Darrin drops off Acen so I can finally relax for the night. There's something weird going on though. You know when you just feel off? I can feel butterflies in my stomach. Like a gut instinct. I'm totally spent by this point, so I lay down in bed with Leon and Acen. Acen sleeps right in between Leon and I. He is the poster child for being a butt baby. Cuddling up next to him, I wrap my arm around his tiny body and drift off into a light sleep. About a half hour later, I get the sudden urge to pee really badly. When I sit up, I hear this weird noise. Almost like when you lift the drain in your bath tub? I'm half asleep still, so I don't quite register what happened. When I look down, there's water all over the bed and it's mixed with red tint. What the fuck? Did I really just piss myself? With each step I take, more water gushes out. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Rushing to the toilet, my heart is beating out of my chest. This has literally never happened before. What do I do? The one thing I always do. Call my mom. She takes until the last ring to finally fucking answer. Of course. Panicking, I say, "Mom, my water just broke. You need to get here now." She sighs, and replies, "Babe, I doubt it. Just face..." I freak the fuck out at this point. I feel like I'm about to pass out because my blood pressure is so high, and I start screaming. "NO, MY FUCKING WATER BROKE, YOU NEED TO GET HERE NOW."

"Okay babe, I'm on my way now."