The letter

Smiles

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

It's all I can think about today. It's been another two months of nothing. You're shutting me out again by not replying.

I really don't understand you. You throw me bones one second and then disappear the next. Why make this personal when you don't want it to be? Why initiate contact again when you apparently don't want any? Why offer to come and meet me when you can't even be bothered to reply to a text?

 I stare at your picture and I miss you even more when I see your smiling face.  Then I close the picture or the laptop and shut my feelings off, as I make the photo disappear. I can't bring myself to delete it though.

I am still addicted to my inbox- meaning to you and your messages- which simply don't come.  Distraction is short-lived and ultimately futile. My eyes burn, my head hurts and my shoulders ache from all the tension and sleepless nights.

I can't go on like this, I know. I feel like I am losing it. Even more so when I imagine every possible scenario of seeing and meeting you again. Of you coming back. Of me going to visit you. Of talking to you. Laughing with you. Smiling at you and seeing your beautiful eyes up close. I dream of running my hand through your hair just once, like in those sappy movies and books.

It has to stop. I have to stop.

I'm going to take a break. From you, from me, from everything. I booked a vacation and tried to make sure there was no internet available. Do you know how hard that is? I hope I'll be strong enough to go through with it.

I won't be able to forget two years of obsession with you, but maybe I'll be able to go back to this blissful state of forgetting about you for a couple of weeks. Those were the days. When your name just brought a smile to my face and not this terrible longing sitting on my chest.

I miss you, very much. I miss you and it doesn't get better. I'm going to miss you until your next message. Which probably won't ever come.