Akrasia

Chapter 16

      Lainey was shocked after watching the video of her saving Clint. She couldn't remember anything that happened. Anything. It will come to her later, but that's not the point. What she did if proof enough that she needs to stay. That she loves them. That she'd protect them with her life. That's all she needed to know.
Eventually the team let her go to bed. That is after prodding her with questions about every little detail. Well, mostly Nat and Bucky. Once Lainey hit the soft, luscious pillow she was out. Not even caring to change her clothes. Just because she slept for about a day, doesn't mean that she can't be tired. Lainey could always be tired. Always wanting sleep, needing sleep. Sometimes she just decided against it, but not tonight.

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A guttural scream pierced the silent tower. Or once silent tower. No one missed it. Before you could snap your fingers, the Avengers stood outside Lainey's door. Both Nat and Clint armed with weapons, which they probably pulled from beneath their pillow, were tied for second as the others rushed behind them. Bucky was first.
Slowly Bucky creaked the door open allowing red, majestical wisps to dance over towards Lainey. Lainey's thoughts leaked into Wanda's brain, and immediately she pulled back. Wanda's control shuddered as she opened her eyes and took a shaky step back.
Steve, worry laced in his brows, asked, "What is it Wanda?"
Wanda had seen enough in that quick glimpse to understand. "She's having a nightmare. A bad one."
"No other threat?" Clint pushed.
"No, no one else was there." Wanda replied.
"What a waste." Tony exclaimed exasperated.
"I'm surprised you even cared enough to haul your ass down here." Bucky sneered at Tony.
      "Language." Steve muttered.
"I'm surprised also." Tony retorted as he walked away unfazed.
"I'll take care of this." Bucky said, or more likely commanded. The others went off with barely a nod. But Nat stayed. Just watched Bucky intently before strutting away one minute later. Bucky returned the stare before walking into Lainey's room.
Lainey was whimpering on her bed. Thrashing back and forth until there were no covers left on her bed. Bucky quickly tended to her and shook her.
"Lainey. LAINEY." Bucky pleaded as he shook her. Trying to get her to wake. It didn't work and she kept on whimpering. He knew nightmares passed, or will end, but judging by the intensity of this, he knew he'd have to wake her.
Bucky continuously said her name, shouted her name. Nothing worked. Nothing. Nothing aroused his damsel in distress. Bucky was at a loss. He had no reasonable ideas left to get her up. And at this point he was panicking. So he slapped her across the cheek.
Lainey's eyes immediately snapped open. She was helplessly reaching for breaths as her sobs drowned her. Memories surged back into her brain. Plunging her into the dark caves she has always tried to avoid. And as she started coming back into reality she felt a slight tingling sensation on her left cheek.
Then the sensation grew and grew. And she lifted her watery eyes towards Bucky sitting on her bed. His body frozen and his eyes staring at his hand inches from my face. His face gaunt and eyes horrid as if he'd regretted doing something. His gaze softened at Lainey's terrified face. Gently he touched her left cheek to soothe her. But it did quite the opposite.
His hand resting on her cheek. Her burning, stinging cheek. Lainey could tell. She could just tell that Bucky, that this man, was the one who slapped her. So similar as her father had done. Every. Single. Time. Panic surged through Lainey's body when she remembered her father slapping her. Beating her. That's how she would wake up, and that's how she woke up just now.
"Lainey. Lainey it's okay." Bucky cooed. But Lainey rushed out of his reach. Bucky just followed her tying to calm her down. They were facing each other. Lainey was muttering pleads under her breath as she backed up into a corner and sunk down into a ball. Bucky reaches his hand out but she cowered under it.
Lainey's breathing increased rapidly and she could hardly grasp a breath. Realizing what's happening Bucky got down on all fours and pulled Lainey into his lap. No matter how much she thrashed and kicked attempting to get away from his, he held firm. Bucky knew he'd have to be the steady rock in her storm. So he was.
Bucky traces circles all around her sobbing back and took loud, deep breaths with her. Slowly but surely her breathing slowed, but her tears did not. The panic attack had left, even Lainey knew it. Lainey also knew that she was safe, but the memories haunted her and threw her down into darkness. She couldn't get out.
Bucky was done coddling her. "Lainey, look at me." She resisted. "Look. At. Me." Bucky commanded pulling her chin toward his face. His eyes searched hers, and hers searched his. Bucky found his answer, found her distress.
"I need you to calm down. Deep breaths. Deep breaths." Bucky instructed and after a while it worked. "What happened?" He knew what happened no doubt, he just wanted to head it from her.
"I had a nightmare." She replied weakly dropping her gaze.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No."
"Why's that?"
Lainey looked him in the eye. Her own eyes hollow with grief and guilt. "Because I'm ashamed of it."
"You shouldn't be."
"Yes I should. It shows I'm weak."
"You're not weak." Bucky stated, not allowing her to deny his claim, his true claim.
"And how do you know that." She said stubbornly.
"Because I was. I killed. And I killed. And. I. Killed. And I knew it. I knew it wasn't right somewhere in my dismantled, broken body. But I didn't fight it because I was weak. I let Hydra trample over me like I was an ant and they were a boot. And when I finally was saved, found. I shoved away reality. I was scared and too broken to face what I was, what I could still become. Because I was weak. Not once could I get through it alone, I've hardly faced the fact now. Every step of the way I had help. Yet you. You're going through the same thing I did. Even worse because you're so young. Too young to have this weight on your shoulders. But you're facing it alone. And you've come to terms with it. I can tell. That's what makes you strong. Facing places you don't want to go. Facing the places that make you weak."
Bucky didn't know what made him do it. Say it. That was the most he'd ever opened up for someone, even Steve. For some reason he felt like he needed to. Like she needed to hear it. Hear him show his weakness so she could show hers. Although, Lainey just stared out the window towards the moonlit city. Face blank. Not giving Bucky any clues to her thoughts.
Both of them just sat there in silence. Time passed without either of their consent. The only sound coming from the howling winds brushing against the vast glass window. That is until Lainey's voice broke barely more than a whisper.
"My nightmares. They're- I guess, they're not really - nightmares at all." Her sentences were breathy, fractured. As if she was figuring out how to explain it, decently. "They're more of - memories. But they- seem as if they should be nightmares. Simply because - they're - bad." She took a breath. Bucky didn't interrupt as much as he wanted to. Instead he listened. "The memories that I dream about - aren't the pleasant ones. I hardly ever remember the pleasant ones these days. These memories I dream about, they're filled with -" she paused trying to find the words, which she couldn't, "stuff. Bad stuff. Tonight, since I was remembering what happened - earlier - I had more memories resurface. And these past weeks I've discovered that having my brain remember- connect stuff. I - I have it occur by seeing things. Like nightmares. Only my nightmares represent what scares me the most. Me." Another shuddering breath. "Tonight I was remembering - myself - killing a family for Hydra. And they were innocent. I could tell by the looks in their faces. I could tell by the way they looked at each other, loved each other, and fought for each other. So - I - I saved them. Or at least tried to. Hydra found out and punished me. The ended up - finding the family I hid and brought them to a base. Then they forced me to- to kill them. And- I hated every second of it. I couldn't stop myself. It was like my body had the wheel and my brain was strapped in the passenger seat. I did it, I didn't want to. I couldn't stop myself. They could've easily said whatever they say to make me do it without emotion, but I think they wanted me to - feel it in my heart. I think they wanted to break me - make me compatible with them. From what I can remember, I could step over the command coursing through my body and resist, sometimes - when I wanted it the most. When they had the least control. But not always. I don't even remember it vividly, any of it. I only have the distorted memories of it, of it all. Well, after I was done, they continued to punish me - in their most favorable ways. But then you woke me up. I didn't really fancy the way you did it, but you did it. And I'm glad. Otherwise I would've had to relive killing - innocent, good people - because I didn't have the strength, to fight."
Bucky was silent. He didn't know how much the girl had gone through and remembered and comprehended. Only until he looked upon her face did he realize the tears glistening in the moonlight. One last tear swelled up in her eye and rolled down her cheek. But before it could slide off Bucky grazed his calloused thumb over her cheek and swiped it off. He never noticed it before and he dammed himself for it. Sliding his finger off her cheek he felt the slight uprise of a scar. Looking more closely, he could see the long scar marking her left cheek.
"Who gave this to you." He demanded running his finger down the whole scar which started below her left and and went all the way down to the bottom dip of her chin. He was done with kindness. He would rip whoever did this to shreds. If Lainey wanted it to happen, he'd do it that way whether he knew it or not.
Lainey knew what he was talking about, what his fingers were grazing. She debated to tell him or not, but knew someone would coax her into it. "My father."
"What!" Bucky barked he was about to start again but Lainey cut him off.
"Don't." Bucky didn't want to not talk. He hated it, but obliged either way and listened, silently. "Long story short. My father and I got into another argument and I decided this time to talk back. Not a bright move, I loved it in the moment, but it the wasn't smart entirely. I retorted something a shouldn't have, and he didn't take it to kindly. So he gouged his finger down my face." Bucky didn't push further, but he knew she beat around the bush, greatly.
"I'm assuming that's how you got all those other scars on your stomach." Bucky mused. Lainey was a tad taken back, but reeled in her curiousness and answered.
"In someways, yes."
Bucky swore lightly under his breath. He said, "That's why you panicked when I slapped you. I'm sorry I never meant to bring that upon you."
"It's fine."
"No, it's not fine."
"But it is." Bucky huffed irritates at how stubborn this girl can be. Never letting him be right. "I retaliated that way because a lot of times I'd wake up to my d- to my father hitting me. I used to just think it was because he was a jerk and drunk. But I partially think it's because he was covering up the already scared wounds from Hydra, so that I had a reason to have my body littered in scars. Other wise, sometimes it wasn't because of that." Lainey concluded.
"So your father abused you." Bucky confirmed looking as if he'd easily kill someone right about now.
"I guess so."
"He should go to jail."
"He's already in it."
"What?" Bucky was confused by this.
"Simply living is probably jail for him. The only thing that got him through life, was his wife. My mom. But she's gone - because of me."
Another tear fell that Bucky wipes away. Lainey just stared back out towards the city.
Bucky didn't know what to say. This girl sitting beside him sounded like more of a women than a teen. With the way she viewed situations. Lainey matured way too quickly these last months, and Bucky hated it. Hated that her life was stolen from her. He'd do anything to give it back to her, and he will.
He never realized Lainey dozed off until he heard her faint snores. Lainey's head had been leaning on his arm. He thought the slight water soaking into his shirt was from her tears, but as if turns out it was drool. Bucky smiles faintly at Lainey as he lifts her up and sets her head gently on the pillow. Quietly, no more than a shadow in the dark, he left her room, but took her drool with him.

I
Sorry that this one was really boring. There was no action, other than drama😂. On top of that, I got really lazy and didn't write her dream. Instead I had her explain it in practically three sentences. Which I'm also sorry about.