Crashing Hard

Just Sleep ~5

Trigger warning this book does contain event, words, and thoughts that can be triggering. It also has sexual events and talked about r*pe and su**idal events.
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I don't even know what day it was. They kept dragging on and on and I just wanted them to end. I try to be really happy for Iz but it's hard to always smile and fake being happy. I don't know the cause of it but its overwhelming like I can't breathe but watching everyone else breathe. My chest gets really tight and it feels like my heart is being torn. It's been almost 2 weeks since the accident with Jong. Jong and Eric are leaving in a couple of days, for some reason it makes me really sad. I was getting used to having them around but they have other things to take care of.

"Are you sure you have to leave?" I asked Eric.

Jong and I were starting to talk to each other more and get to know each other more. We weren't on a personal level yet but I was trying to get him to open up about his past. It's kind of hypocritical of me, I try to make him open up about his past but never talk about mine no matter how many times he asks me.

"Yes we do. I'm sorry but we'll come and visit or if you are ever in our town stop by. You could meet the rest of our biker friends." Eric said sadly.

I sighed and fake cried. Eric pretended to also be sad and fake cry with me. Eric and I had grown so close to each other in such a short time. We were open about a lot of things.

My phone dinged from the counter where Jong was. He was still texting me and calling from new numbers. Everytime I blocked a number he got a new one. I ran over to grab my phone and it was him.

"Who's that?"Eric asked wiggling his eyebrows.

I put on a fake smile. "No one important just the phone company telling me about my bills and data and all that fun stuff"

Eric made a "O" face and turned to Iz and started playing with him. I looked at Jong he looked like he didn't believe me.

Did he see the message or did he read it? Will he say something about it? No he couldn't have seen it. Well it was really close to him. No he didn't read it stop overreacting.

"Didn't know phone companies sent messages like that" Jong whispered with a straight look on his face.

I ignored his comment and got all my stuff to film a video today. Today I was doing a vlog, since Iz, Eric ,and I were going to be exploring the outside areas of Arizona. I told Jong to come with us but he refused,but Iz was really excited to leave the house. His sickness had gone away , thank goodness, but I didn't want to take him out so soon in case something happened. We were supposed to leave an hour ago but Eric thought it would be funny to hide all of my equipment. Today we were also going to a birthday party, even though I really didn't want to go my mom had convinced me.

~Later after the vlog and the party~

Its 10pm and I'm exhausted mentally and physically. We just got home from shopping for a last minute gift for Mothers day. Iz knocked out as soon as I laid him down for bed and Eric and Jong disappeared into their room probably sleeping by now. I'm exhausted but I can't sleep my mind is racing. I toss and turn for about an hour then turn on some music. The Snowman by Jung Seung Hwan comes on and I sing along.

멀리 배웅하던 길
여전히 나는 그곳에 서서
그대가 사랑한
이 계절의 오고 감을 봅니다

아무 노력 말아요
버거울 때면 언제든
나의 이름을 잊어요

꽃잎이 번지면
당신께도 새로운 봄이 오겠죠
시간이 걸려도
그대 반드시 행복해지세요

그 다음 말은 이젠
내가 해줄 수 없어서
마음속에만 둘게요

꽃잎이 번지면
그럼에도 새로운 봄이 오겠죠
한참이 걸려도
그대 반드시 행복해지세요

끝 눈이 와요
혹시 그대 보고 있나요
슬퍼지도록 시리던
우리의 그 계절이 가요

마지막으로 날
떠올려 준다면 안 되나요
다시 한 번 더 같은 마음이고 싶어
우릴 보내기 전에

몹시 사랑한 날들
영원히 나는 이 자리에서

I replay it until I finally start to feel tired I look at the clock it says 01:10am . It's a beautiful song and its always helped me relax. When the song is over I feel better and turn over and fall asleep.

I didn't wake up the next day until 10am which isn't a long time but it was a really deep sleep. I look at my phone no messages suprisingly. Iz is still sleep that is something he gets from me, his ability to sleep for long periods of time. I was happy he was like that it gave me more time to do the things I needed. I decided I would just sleep until someone came to wake us up. I looked one more time at Iz and went back to sleep.
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-hey yall. I know it's not a lot of talking. My fault its 01:40am right now, I can't sleep, and I felt like writing. I might stop writing for a few weeks or so until I figure some personal things out. Hopefully in that time I'll find something better to write for yall. I'll but the English lyrics to the song under this you have to understand that when you translate something it's not going to be the EXACT SAME THING as what is written in the original language. This is as close as it got to making sense in English. ITS A REALLY GOOD SONG YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO IT, but if you don't I GUESS I understand. Anyway love yall.-
-just realized that the video of the song I put on here also has the English lyrics. (They might not be exactly the same. People interpret the sentence and put the sentence in different ways. (If that makes sense)). So you can read the English and Korean on there. (SERIOUSLY GO CHECK OUT THE SONG!!!!)

ENGLISH LYRICS
~

The long path of sending you off
I'm still standing there
Watching the season you love
Come and go

You don't need to try at all
When things get too much
You can forget my name any time

When the flowers spread
A new spring will come to you too
Even if it takes time
Please be happy

The next words
I cannot tell you
So I'll keep them in my heart

When the flowers spread
A new spring will come regardless
Even if it takes a while
Please be happy

Snowflakes are falling
Are you watching?
Our season that was so cold that it was sad
It's passing by

Can't you think of me once more
For the last time?
I want us to have the same hearts once again
Before I let us go

Days I loved you so much
Forever, I'll be here