Crashing Hard

My Story ~6

Trigger warning this book does contain event, words, and thoughts that can be triggering. It also has sexual events and talked about r*pe and su**idal events.
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I've dealt with depression and anxiety and other mental issues all my life. It was never really bad I took medication and lived through life. When I met him, he convinced me I didn't need to take them. So I stopped taking it and he took advantage of that, the fact that I was off my meds he would fill my mind with all different kinds of lies. He took advantage of me, he would tell me that no one would ever love me, no one would care about me like him,my family didn't love me, and he convinced me that I was worthless. He was wrong I don't know why I ever even considered the things he said to be true. I'm not perfect but I'm working on becoming better, for my son and for me. Though I don't look for love and attention doesn't mean I don't crave it. I'm am strong, I am beautiful, and I am powerful. Nothing will change that especially not someone else. Though I don't want to ever face him again I want to show him I was everything he said I wouldn't be.

I am strong. I am beautiful. I am powerful.

I don't want to go back to Delano but I have to. I can't live with my parents and I can't run away from my problems. So I made a plan. I'll drive to Bakersfield with the boys drop Jong's bike at his house. I'll buy a new apartment in Bakersfield or Delano depending on how far they are from him. Get my clothes from my old apartment and make new friends. It should be very simple and hopefully it all goes how I want it to. I still have my old friends but most of them know Him and would probably tell Him that they've seen me in Delano, and he can't know I'm back. No one knows about my situation except for my best friend who lives in Louisiana and he doesn't know my ex personally.

My best friend's name is Carse but I call him Jenny because his middle name is Jennifer. He hates his middle name and it honestly doesn't fit him. He is a 6'5 Samoan, the same height as my dad, and is the sweetest person ever. We see each other as siblings and he has met my parents and they treat him like a son. He has long dark brown hair and is really muscular. When I told Carse about him Carse flipped out and was already booking flights down to Delano. Carse knows everything I've been friends with him since high school and we legit tell each other everything, even if its TMI.

I haven't told anyone else about him and don't want to until I'm ready. My parents know I was dating him but never ask about him. It sucks lying to them about everything but I'm scared what they would do. My parents might end up in jail or something and I can't have that. I love my family and friends but I can't tell him until I'm ready I don't want all the questions. I need to get myself in order before I deal with the craziness of that. I need to get back on my meds and get Iz into a good Daycare. This part of my life isn't easy, there are lies and heartbreaking moments. Do I wish my life was normal and I could just breeze through life without problems. YES. Is it going to be that easy. NEVER. But it's getting there soon I won't have to look over my shoulder and run. I've got YouTube and Modeling as a job and they are fun jobs. Many people might ask, "Can't he find you on YouTube?" Well he doesn't even know I have a YouTube and he doesn't know I model. Plus I go by a different name on YouTube just incase and I don't show my face.

The boys are leaving in a few days and I'll have to go back to Delano. I'm hoping everything will be fine and nothing will go wrong. Knowing my luck something probably will but I'm still hopeful. I've packed everything I brought which wasn't a lot and I'm getting ready to go back. As scary as it is I'm excited to go back to Delano see familiar places. I love Delano I have so many good memories there while there are some bad ones most are good. I can't wait to get Iz back to his normal routine and change my life for the better.
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-thats the end for today yall. It might not make sense but its something ig. Have a nice day yall.