Angelic Mask-(s.m)

36

As soon as I made it into my apartment, my body was trembling and shaking as locked the door. I took deep breaths before I went into my bedroom. I sat just staring blankly at the wall ahead of me. My mind racing and my thoughts physically hurting my brain.

She's my girlfriend out of pity.

She means nothing to me.

She only filled the void.

The harsh words he spoke roaming around in my head hurting my fragile heart every time. The pain that I was feeling was so unbearable, the only time I had ever felt this pain was years ago when I learnt the truth about my parents. And the last that happened I suffered depression and my mental health since then hasn't been that well.

This pain hurts, it physically pained my heart and my stomach churn. I can't even explain the pain but it was something I prayed no one should ever feel because it is horrible.

I knew I couldn't believe him, or anyone. This is exactly what I get for trusting people. This is why I stopped letting people in and trusting them, but Shawn.

Oh Shawn.

He had this charm about him that could make anyone drool and swoon over him, his kind acts, his smiles and the things he said to manipulate me. I was so naive and stupid, I couldn't believe I let him into my heart.

I knew no one could ever hold my heart with care, anyone who does destroys it and Shawn was a perfect example. He pretended to take care of me and love me but in the end it was my heart thrown and stomped on.

I take things so personal because I know I would never in a million years do the same to someone else.

If he didn't really like me I wish he just would have told me before I got attached.

My heart feels very empty, that empty piece I had was filled by Shawn and now he's also ripped out that piece of my heart too.

I took a deep breath as I stared at my shaking hands before finally breaking.

A choked sob released from my mouth and my chest was tightening. I cried so much that my throat was hurting but I couldn't stop the crying. My body was hyperventilating as I was trying to gasp for my breaths. My trembling body was in and unbearable state.

Breathing exercises. I remembered the exercises I was taught by Dr. Em.

I wiped my eyes and took a few deep breaths as I counted to three every time. I closed my eyes and visioned my happy place, but it wasn't a happy place the things that recently only made me happy was Shawn. Every time I closed my eyes all I could see was his face which was not helping.

And the last time before that I ever remembered being happy was my sixth birthday with my parents.

Now that I'm realising I don't really have a happy place. The only thing that could calm me down was nothing, I kept my mind totally blank as I took deep breaths.

Once I kind of calmed myself down, I stood up and went to the kitchen. Cookie woke up and ran excitedly at me and circled around my feet. I put some food into his bowl which kept him occupied while I went to the cabinet.

I opened it and looked at the top shelf and tiptoed to reach for the small container. I sighed deeply as I looked at the bottle of pills that I hadn't touched in such a long time and I was so proud of myself.

I was so proud I didn't need these anymore and I was starting to get my life on track but unfortunately I have to turn back to these.

Athena Romano ~ anti-depressants
One tablet only.

I opened the cap and took one into my hand and then swallowed it down with some water.

I took myself to the bathroom and I tied my hair up and wiped off the smudged makeup. I washed my face before I looked at myself in the mirror.

My face pale and my eyes were swollen and puffy all around, my lips were dry and cracked.

Only hours ago I was having the best day of my life, making myself so proud and now hours later I'm standing in the same position as I did this morning but having the worst day of my life.

I couldn't believe how things drastically changed and how things can change at any moment of time in your life. And the higher power above can change anything so quickly that it was unbelievable.

It's true when people say 'you never appreciate what you have until it's gone' and it's the realist thing I've ever heard.

But I appreciated my happiness, I thanked God everyday for making me happy after I had been sad my whole life. However, I guess I didn't appreciate it enough that it was taken away from me in an instant.

I looked into the mirror and all I could see was the broken six year old me again.

Why does no one love me? Why couldn't I ever be happy?

Maybe Shawn was right.

Maybe I was only born into this world to fill up the void.

Maybe I was never made for loving. Everyone who said they did always lied to me and never again will I ever believe that again.

I sighed as I dragged myself back to my room and I changed my clothes and got into my bed. Cookie came into my dark room and curled up in my lap as I sat resting against the headboard of my bed.

My hand stroked Cookies body as more tears fell down my cheeks.

I was sat here on my bed crying my eyes out because of my broken heart yet Shawn must be at his place with Chloe living his old happy life again.

Now I'm going to be sitting here every night crying all alone and he's going to be there holding someone else every night, like he did to me.

I hate myself for ever letting anyone in, I hate myself for being the reason why I'm going to cry every night and not be able to sleep anymore. But I just can't control it at all.

My heart is stuck now in such a dark place after all the pain I've been through. Just when I thought it was getting better.

It hurts knowing all this time I tried my best but I still wasn't enough and I probably never will be...
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Q: How are you guys? How was this chapter? I feel like I'm slacking a bit in my work idk :(