The Size of What Used to be the Great Wall of China

Chapter 1: Tetris gives me a boner

The year was 1979, with not much to do, and little fun to be had. We went on a camping trip, and Bryant brought along some food for us. Bryant was a young man, no less than 35. He was broad shouldered, had almost no neck, had a unibrow, and a forehead the size of what used to be the Great Wall of China. At least, what I would think of it as. We heard the stories of how massive the wall was, yet came down in the end. There was also a man named Aidan Bico (B-ee-so) he was no younger than 29 ,and a rather short fellow with lovely blonde eyebrows and a solid black hair helmet. He wore glasses the size of Bryant's forehead which was the size of what used to be the Great Wall of China. He loved his silly drawings of JF-9K the robot president that was assassinated or at least that's what our father told us. Lastly there was John he was probably 32 (PROBABLY). He also was about the same size as Aidan but with blonde hair on the top of his head that was parted straight down the middle. He was a rather odd fellow but probably the most brainy of the bunch (He was part of the Brady Bunch) there was no math problem that he couldn't solve and no solve problem he couldn't math. He had a brain the size of Aidan's glasses which were the size of Bryant's forehead which was the size of what used to be the Great Wall of China. We used to live in the sewers of Sangchris State Park ,Illinois we lived there with our dad or, what was left of him. He wasn't the same after the Great Emu War.

It was pretty fine living in the sewers until we were driven out by the emus I can still hear the loud bang of the emu guns. Our dad was caught in the crossfire we saw him lay out his life for us and, there was nothing we could do about it. Nothing scared me after that. So here we are, at the bottom what used to be the Philippine Sea. It's been dried out for centuries because of some mystical power, and we're here to find it.

We passed the time by playing Fortnite on our Commodore 64 there were no graphics on the screen just words although it did burst in smoke every 20 minutes we played. It was very hot and sunny so we got cold cuz... mans not hawt. In order to pass even more time "Crank dat Soldier Boi." No, I'm ok And you have to make sure you put that sentence in and the sentence I'm saying now. I ate three gophers in order to survive. I don't know where they came from. I don't know where a lot of things come from, like babies and apples, and apple babies. Maybe babies come from apples? I don't know. (How do you like this book so far? I sure hope this book gets published.) John came up with the idea to start a fire made out of antifreeze to cool us off because it was getting hotter and hotter every second. (John was a wizard; we all knew it. He went to a wizarding school for wayward wizards and things of that sort.)

John thinks this book is dumb. so Aidan and I beat him up and took his wizard powers after we consumed his soul. He is now a soulless being that walks this earth in a suit of armor.

So let's say you meet this guy at a party. You leave to get pizza. He parks at the edge of the parking lot, and then he turns into a gorilla. He has his hands all over you, and says he wants to get you alone so he can do his "magic". Ok, this is not a good situation. This is not your knight in shining armor. This is the situation we were in. The gorilla and his pals advanced upon us. John had his 32000 sided die with him. He took a roll; anything higher than 32000 would automatically kill the gorillas and completely decimate the entire world, so we got the 6 sided die out instead and rolled a 6.

The Gorillas said, "No no no no no no(to sex)!!!" So we referred to the ancient text some more. "You can't be timid in this situation you have to firmly tell them sex is out of the question." "NO I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SES" "Be ready to defend that idea if he knows you've had sex before don't let him use that to humiliate you into having sex with him now." So we firmly said "NO" to the gorillas and they ran far far away cause the ocean men showed up, and started to sing Ocean Man the song.

These people looked creepy. They captured us and took us in for unwarranted denial of sex towards gorillas, or in layman's terms "floombangle." They said we would on trial in they gave us 3 days to prepare our case. We hired a monkey lawyer by the name of Bobert Treeman (he loved to climb trees). Let's just say we should've listened to the warnings people gave us to not hire a monkey for a lawyer. We got three years in manual labor (This included banana peeling and... that's about it) It wasn't that difficult.

After we got out we heard a quiet voice coming from behind us from the banana prison doors,"I am a good lawyer. Douglas Adams was born in Cambridge England in 1952." We didn't believe him. We went on and found a chromebook that read thusly: "Eric gets a lot of pressure from his parents to do well in school. Other kids in school tease him because he works so hard but still gets poor test scores. He gets instant messages and text messages during the day and at night about his poor grades. The word "loser" is in most of them, and the language becomes stronger every day. Today he received a text from a number he did not recognize, with a photo of his body with a turkey's head. A thought bubble above the picture reads: "Why am I so STUPID? What a 8!*#%$ I am." Eric thinks Alexis, the most popular girl in the eighth grade, is behind the message."

We all felt sad and alone. We felt bad for Eric. Alexis was being such a 8!*#**. We Emailed Eric and told him what to do. We said thusly, "Beat the crap out dat whamen. It's 2018. Everybody does it." We then left the Chromebook and began on our journey once more and discovered a man named Dylan. He was beautiful and had amazing greeeeeeenn noo bluuuuu no blllooooonnnnnddd no reeeeddddd... wait. What were we talking about? Oh yeh his nose. He had a nice beautiful face with green hair he was about 6 feet tall. His [REDACTED] was the size of John's brain, which was the size of Aidan's glasses, which were the size of Bryant's forehead, which was the size of what used to be the Great Wall of China. (I can't believe we have 5 pages so far this sux).

Dilan was an adventurer. Dulan liked pie and men, and Delan also liked the men's [REDACTED] up his [OMITTED]. So Dillion joined them in their quest to find the power that drained the Philippine Sea, which they had completely forgotten about so far.