What the Heart Wants - JiKook

Chapter 5 - Revelations

The next morning, we had to wash the bedding and definitely needed showers. I thought about hopping in with him, but I figured that was probably a bad idea. Jungkook was still a little skittish when it came to really intimate things. We took a huge step last night and I assumed it would be a while before he was ready to take another. I had pretty much seen him fully naked now, but he was still shy when it came to removing my clothes. Too bad he was so shy, he looked great under all that fashion sense. His physique was impressive enough while he was dressed, but under it all... he had such a raw power and strength to his build and the way he carried himself. I had to laugh at myself sometimes when I got lost in thoughts of him. Here I was, not even remotely attracted to guys, fantasizing about one. It really was funny, but I had become okay with it. It wouldn't matter if I found I was attracted to men, I only wanted one man, and I had him.

Almost two weeks had gone by before we attempted anything so drastic again. After one too many heated make-out sessions, Jungkook was fired up enough to let me touch him again. It was almost too much to handle. After the first time, I had been going crazy wanting him again. I wanted him to touch me, too. I was just going to have to be patient, I guess.

Another week, and Jungkook was getting a little more comfortable with the idea of physical activities. He had let me please him three times now and even began to play with the thought touching me. Every so often when kissing, I would feel his hand reach down and rub up the front of me. The first time he did it, I thought I was going to lose it and come right there in my pants. Thanks to years of idol training, I had the discipline to control myself and not jump him, but it was still very hard. With each new touch he gave me, I knew our bond was deepening. He was opening up to me.

Over time, my will power was starting to faulter and I was taking more risks, touching him more, trying to get him to touch me, and even came to bed naked a few times trying to tempt him. It wasn't working... in fact, I think it was having the opposite effect. I started to feel like he was pulling away. He always seemed to be busy now, even though we were on break. He would often tell me he was too exhausted at night to want to do anything and when I cuddled on him, he wasn't cuddling back... had I gone too far too fast?

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JUNGKOOK'S POV

Jimin-hyung slept naked again last night... I really don't know what to think of that, he seems to want more, but I'm really not ready for it. He's always been clingy and affectionate, but I'm starting to feel like he's everywhere... I can't catch a break... I need to get away for a while. I'm being... smothered!

I still like hyung, but it's too much. He's starting to get too serious and the pressure is too much! I don't think I can handle this...

I know I should talk to him about how I'm feeling, but I don't want to deal with it. He's going to pout and ask questions, get upset and hurt. I really don't want to hurt him... I just need some time. In my desperation to get some space, I started to hit the practice hall almost every day. We were on break, so no one else was around and it was great. Time all to myself!

It made me feel much better and a lot lighter to have these moments alone. I didn't want Jimin-hyung to go away, I just wanted a little break to clear my head. Maybe he would get the hint if I kept my distance and go back to being casual. I do like him, but we are men, it's not like we can have a relationship. No one would accept that...

Pulling back from him seemed to be working at first. Jimin-hyung had calmed down his advances and was back to just being nice and comforting. We occasionally kissed and cuddled, but when I got scared he was falling back into habits, I would cut it off.

Lately, I haven't been having to pull away as often, Jimin-hyung hasn't been around as much. I wondered where he was, but the free time was nice... at first. He was starting to sleep in his own bed; had I gone too far? I was liking my space, but I didn't like that he wasn't in my bed anymore. I had become curious what he was doing with his time, now that he wasn't always hanging all over me. I became consumed with finding out. Why? I had gotten what I wanted, why did it bother me so much what he was actually doing with his new free time??