A Heart of Gold

Chapter 9

My legs are tingling and I haven't even started yet. I can't get enough of this feeling.

When I can't take a drive, going out for a run always works to clear my head. My emotions have been scattered with Harry and I need to get myself sorted out.

Starting out, I pass all the same small, neat houses and gardens and dogs in my quiet neighborhood. Everything is familiar, including my thoughts. I don't hear the music coming through my earbuds because my mind is already playing the same old songs it always does: This can't be real. This doesn't happen to people like me. He thinks he's interested in me, but he himself said he's at a crossroads and is unsure of his path. Every time Harry has pulled me forward with him, these pebbles of self-doubt have rolled around in my shoe, making me wince with each step.

But soon, adrenaline starts to flood my body and I feel warm all over. My quads and calves tighten and I feel strong. My strides lengthen as I take in more oxygen, and I have to admit to myself that Harry has seen my inner fangirl and has not run screaming. I have pushed him away and he has come back to me each time. He risks the public drive across town to see me, sends me silly texts in the morning before work and sweet ones at night before bed. And he has had his lips on me. Twice. I can feel old muscle fibers tearing apart and mending, creating long and lean new ones.

Now I feel the burn and the sweat, muscles and bones working in perfect sync and feel like I could run forever. I feel fast and light. I can't see the houses or gardens or dogs but I do see the two of us on the beach, watching our brightly wrapped bundles of insecurities splash and then sink into the ocean. Harry, afraid that he will disappoint me. Aware of all the feelings people project onto him, the Harry they create in their minds. Me included. Me especially. That he might not be what I hoped he'd be, won't measure up, a letdown. He feels vulnerable.

Like me.

Exhausted, I bend forward and breathe deeply. I look around and don't recognize my surroundings anymore. The houses have gotten bigger and the cars smaller. The dogs here yip behind tall iron gates and nannies push past me with strollers.

But it is clear to me now, like one of those rare dreams that actually make sense when you wake from a deep sleep.

If Harry was out to use me he'd be long gone by now. He feels drawn to me and to what I do. It speaks to him, and perhaps is part of his new calling. I can, now, plainly see his loving and caring spirit, and if I can help him find his new sense of self, I'm happy to do it. And maybe... just maybe there will be something more.

I gulp the water from the bottle on my hip and wipe the sweat from my forehead with the bottom of my shirt.

Sometimes we are put in each other's path for reasons that aren't clear to us. I reluctantly make eye contact with a stranger on the subway, but then she gives me a compliment that makes my heart smile. I finally find an open taxi, but see a mom struggling with kids and bags and know that it should be for her, instead.

We may not see events as part of our plan, but the heavens often know otherwise. I curse a wrong turn, but then am elated to find it to be a shortcut I never knew about. Or turn a corner too early, only to discover a beautiful new bakery selling amazing treats, and I wonder how I've ever lived without it.

And so it may be with Harry. If I am meant to help him find his way, I'd be honored. And if we are meant to be more than that, well, I promise myself that I will not get in my own way.

I agree to surrender to the adventure if it all, to watch it slowly inflate like a massive hot air balloon, with its wild and vibrant colors, and sail with it to wherever it may land.