HIM.

Alyssa

56 days.

6 hours. 

42 minutes.

That's how long we have been apart. It feels longer than that. I don't even remember our goodbye. I don't remember our last good moment. I don't remember the last time things were real between us... The last 6 months fuck the last year has been hard. Maybe even longer... Everything was chaos. Everything was falling apart right in front of me, but I chose to fight hard for you. For us. God damn, I loved you. The sad part is, I still love you. I haven't stopped thinking about you. Not once. After everything you have put me through, all the hurt. Here I am still wanting you. After giving myself to others, others who wanted me. Wanted all of me and more. But they aren't you... I can't do this, I don't want to feel for anyone else but you.

NO. I don't want to feel anything.

I rather fade away and shut off everything I feel. But no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, everything comes back to you.

Sleeping Next To A Stranger

As I lie next him, all I can think about is Rilen. That's how it's been most nights. All I can do is fade away into numbness to try and not think of him. But who am I kidding.... No matter what I do, I still feel him, long for him. Want him. Doesn't matter who I am with, after its done, instant regret over comes me and all I can think about is YOU.

Sometimes I don't sleep, I can't sleep. If I lay down even for a little bit I hurt. I long for Rilen in the night, even in the morning. Whether I am next to someone else or all alone in my chaos, I'll stay awake and think of him. Wondering if he ever feels how I feel.

I think to myself,

"Are you in bed with someone too?

Do you think of me like I think of you... Probably not.

But I hope you do."

Tonight. Tonight, or I guess it's morning now. I am sneaking out from a bed with a stranger, trying my best not to cry. My high coming down and I feel everything getting ready to crash over me. As I drive, I see your light on, I see a girl in our home going up the stairs. Surprisingly it doesn't hurt like I thought it would. I knew Rilen would be fucking other girls any chance he got. That's why things are the way they are... I wasn't enough. It hurts knowing that I still want Rilen. Fuck, I miss him.

I need sleep, but I am scared to sleep. Right now, you're with her, asleep. But, oh, how I wish I was her, right next to you. Stroking your back and running my fingers through your hair, our legs tangled together beneath the sheets, just like before. I gently trace my finger along your lips trying to take everything in and remember your face. And there's so many things I could say to you and how much I miss you. I want to go back, I want to start over. I want to remind you, what we had.

I finally get home and lay down, and say to myself, like every night;

"I know you're asleep, and your miles away, but I promise, you, even if I have to walk through all your dreams, I'll being seeing you soon. I love you Rilen... No matter what."

I can't tell what is happening, if this is real or if I am imagining this.

It's late. I just woke up from another sleepless night of regrets. I start the shower, and my phone dings. I know that tone. That's not just any tone, it was Rilen. I choose to ignore it, I just don't have it in me to feel anything more than I do now. After I shower, 9 more messages from Rilen. I don't want to read them, I am scared to read them. The little contact we have had this summer has not been good, in fact Rilen has been such an asshole, I really don't care what he has to say right now.