HIM.

Going Back

Portland is where I want to be.

20 days went by really fast.

I have nothing to go back too in Portland but I knew I couldn't stay here.

I lied to everyone the past couple weeks and said I was going back for work and school. But truth was I dropped out of school when I found out he cheated. And I lost my job when I bought my plane ticket. But I NEEDED to go back. Portland was for me. Just because Rilen was there still doesn't mean I shouldn't go back.

Rilen was shocked when I told him I was coming back, that I found a place to live and that I would be in soon to get a few things. Which was a lie, but the last thing I need is for him to think I cant make it on my own.

He told me he packed up all my stuff already and put it in the spare bedroom and some in storage. That hurt. But I knew it was going to happen.

He tried making small talk but I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore. That it hurt too much...

I didnt sleep with anyone at home.

I wasn't ready.

I was hurting so much still, but that didn't stop me from talking and going out. And even that was hard. Everything I tried to do, reminded me of Rilen, us. I missed him. I missed him so much that it hurt. Everything in me hurt.

Why am I scared to go back? Everything in me is hurting and is getting nervous the closer I get to Portland.

My flight was delayed 12 hours.

I texted him telling him I was coming home tonight, I knew he was at work so I thought it didn't matter. He didn't answer, but I still have my key, and I don't see what the big deal is, Ill be gone before he comes home.

What I walked into killed me. Condoms on the floor. In the bathroom. Our photos are gone. It was like I was never there. I felt so sick, I threw up... I screamed and cried. Everything in me hurt so much. I packed up my car and sat on my stairs. I was in shock. How was it so easy for him.

Then I got a notification from Anthony. Someone I had met in California who actually lived in Portland.

All I could think was, fuck it. Get it over with.

Rilen was clearly fucking girls the last 3 weeks and is already over me, its time to do the same.

5 hours later, I come home shower. Crawl into our bed one last time and cry myself to sleep. Regretting what I just did. I don't know how he does it, that was so hard and I just feel sick...

3 hours later

I wake up to him at the door asking me to leave, I apologize and tell him I didn't mean to fall asleep.

I can tell hes mad at me, but hes more mad at himself because he knows what I saw.

He asks me where I am going and I tell him, "Rilen, I am not yours to worry about anymore."

I look at him one last time, and I don't even recognize him. I start to tear up and I run out.