The First One

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The First Actual Date.

Seeing him for the first time in 5 years, was crazy. Talking the last 6 months like we never stopped years ago, was crazy. Both of us getting out of toxic relationships, coming back home at the same time to find "ourselves" was even crazier. But he held his end of the deal, the moment I was ready to be treated right, he wanted to be the first one to do so. The moment our eyes met for the second time, I felt a little bit of hope. And just for those few moments we did share together that summer, you made the hurt go away, even if it was just for a little bit.

Jamie Stack.

Ill never forget that call in Chicago. I told you everything that happened, and you told me I was incredible and strong for going through with the trip. You told me to make the most of it, you told me not to worry about the pain and hurt I felt right now, because eventually it will pass and someone will come into my life and treat me the way I deserve. And that he will eventually feel the hurt I feel now when he realizes he lost someone who truly loved him.

I remember crying and thinking you were crazy. But then you told me in all this craziness, I will find myself, I will struggle and that it all builds character. You saw the positive in my negative. You were the one that told me it sounded like I needed to come home and be reminded of all the good I bring.

Not realizing it until later, you wanted to be the one to remind me, you wanted to be the one to treat me the way I deserved.

It started with morning coffee at our old hang out spot from years ago. As nervous as I was to see you, or even go on a date. The moment I saw you, my nerves went away and I was just able to be me. Coffee and long long talks. Ending with a kiss on the forehead and asking me out again.

2 days later..

Our time being limited, you wasted no time!

I was getting my hair done the day before our date, and you came into surprise me with a piece of art you made while thinking of me and flowers. Just wanting to tell me I look beautiful and that you cant wait to take me out. As much as I loved the gesture, deep down I was hurting.

Jamie, 25 years old. Friend first, or crush first.

My type completely to the T. Tall, blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, straight teeth, artistic, fun, kind, very smart, and we had so much in common. How could I not want this. Part of me wanted Jamie, but a bigger part of me wanted Rilen.

Our date. Our date is one ill never forget. Or the moments after that, leading to me leaving again.

Kissing you was like coming up for a breath of fresh air after feeling like I was drowning. Dinner, our talks, our walks, making art with you. All these moments gave me a small glimpse of hope. But who was I kidding, I don't deserve you. You were to perfect. I was too broken. I wasn't ready to let go of my pain and that wasn't fair to you.

I remember our goodbye, dancing at sunset. Kissing on the hood of your car. You told me you never want me to regret or forget this and I told you, theres not a chance. I laughed at you and told you id be crazy to forget a man like you. And you whispered in my ear "don't" and kissed me again.

You never tried anything or pressured me to have sex. You were okay with taking it slow. Our last night at sunset, when we made art together. Not only did it get a little hot and heavy between us, you made it fun. Jumping into the public pool with our bodies covered in paint, laughing at our "beautiful mess" art piece. It was all so innocent with you.

As much as you wanted me, I wanted to want you, but I couldn't. As great as you are, you weren't HIM.


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