The Harsh Reality

Clifford the Big Red Dog

Clifford the Big Red Dog

Clifford is probably one of the most lovable dogs ever. Well depending on who you ask because I know some people hate him. I mean hate him…with a passion. But that’s their problem isn’t it? As usual though, I am here to kill your views of all the innocent and joyful memories you have of Clifford, or for you haters…I’m just giving you a legit reason to hate besides the fact that this is a children’s show. Or whatever grudge you had against Clifford. 

The title “Clifford the Big Red Dog” is not exaggerating, in fact, it’s an understatement. When someone says a big dog, I don’t know about you but I think of a great dane or mastiff, you know, those horse sized things that are labeled dogs. If the Aztecs had great danes to ride into battle against the Spanish, I think they would have won that war. I mean great danes vs horses…

Clifford. Right. So exaggeration, great danes are big right? I mean they are massive, but Clifford, Clifford’s bigger than a house. Literally. They had to build him a dog house as big as their house. Who has that kind of money? I would forget the dog, buy the island instead. Could you imagine their dog food bills? Or vaccinations? 

Not the only red flag here though, he’s red. Like old movies with crappy fake blood red. Which leads to my theory, Clifford is a demon. Well not necessarily a demon, but a dog that was possessed by one. I mean all the other dogs are normal sized, and normal colors. Except Cleo, but she’s a poodle, people dye their poodles lavender sometimes. I mean I don’t judge, well I do but not out loud.

Back to this demon thing though. Some of you might be asking “but Harley, how would Clifford be a demon dog?” Patience young ones. Or elderly, or middle-aged. Not that anyone reads this… Clifford, at first, was a normal dog, a bloodhound to be precise (but he looks like a mix between a lab, and a…something else… well what do you think he looks like?) 

Emily though, sweet, innocent, borderline annoying Emily. Not so sweet and innocent. You see, Emily was actually a demon conspirator. Yup. Ouija boards and everything. See she bought adorable little Clifford and brought him home. Only to offer him as sacrifice to the demonic entities that she talks to. Thankfully though, the innocent little puppy wasn’t killed. No, his fur just turned old movie crappy fake blood red, and he grew to the size of a house. 

Thankfully though, Emily didn’t use her dog’s powers for evil (well that we know of, you never know what goes on behind the cameras) I mean he must have magic powers because he doesn’t leave craters in the shape of paw prints everywhere he goes.

So to conclude, Clifford the Big Red Dog, possessed by a demon. Probably eats the neighbors chickens or something.

Well that took a dark turn really fast…heheh… Sorry to any of you that like consistent updates, I tried to do that with this story but with school and everything I don’t have the time to stick with a schedule.

But seriously guys, Clifford traumatized me as a child, not the show, I loved the show. But you know the people that dress up like characters? Like at disney world there’s Goofy and Minnie and all of them? Well for those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, look up disney world, I’m sure you’ll find a picture or something. Anyway though, I saw a Clifford one, and I was really excited (mind you I was still at the age when I believed that was actually Clifford, I mean I guess my mind couldn’t process that this “dog” wasn’t the size of a house and stood on two legs. Ah the joys of childhood…)

So I run up to Clifford and go to give him a hug, when through his mouth (you know the place where they conveniently placed the spot where the person inside said costume can see) I see a face. I saw a person inside Clifford’s mouth. Do you know how traumatizing it is to think that one of your favorite tv show character eats people? Needless to say, Clifford did not get a hug from me that day. And there may have been some screaming “HE ATE SOMEONE! THERE’S SOMEONE INSIDE CLIFFORD!!” I’m sure I traumatized some children as well as Clifford traumatizing me that day. A lot of traumatization.