Monolouges

Cluster F**k of Anxiety

(This was written as an assignment where we needed to interview someone and write a monologue from their perspective about something that influenced them. This is from the perspective of a good friend of mine about her anxiety.)

I have a big red panic button in my brain that is SO overused. Most people don't think about it, but a lot of people have one! Do you have crippling anxiety? Do you have panic attacks? Do you some days feel like you have literally no emotion in your body, but there is still a problem that needs to be solved that you can't get out of your head? Yea, those moments are caused by some part of your brain hitting the big red panic button. 

For me personally, it's my anxiety. It picks up over some really small things that a lot of people probably don't see as that big of a problem, but in my head, they are. I mean, I have these moments where I say things out loud that go on in my head that seem really normal to me. I figure, everyone must have this sort of experience at some point or another, but then people tell me that it really isn't as normal as I make it out to be and I should probably see someone about it... 

Do I want to though? It's like I've always had these sorts of thoughts in my head, but then people tell me that by taking medicine or talking to someone like a therapist, then these thoughts will go away. They say I will feel so much better if I don't feel this way, but it's the only way I've known how to feel. I've come up with my own ways of dealing with it and it's just become a part of who I am. If I lose these thoughts, then what is going to happen to the rest of me? 

I won't have an excuse to joke about myself anymore. I don't do it seriously now, but I still joke about myself and from what I assume, some people find me funny or at least amusing because of it. What else would I joke about...? I wouldn't be this awesome if not for my anxiety. 

It may sound weird, but it drives me to be better. When I'm constantly afraid of failing at something or thinking I could do something better than I did before, then I keep trying harder. I get better at things I wouldn't have gotten better at otherwise. How else would I have gotten straight A's or know how to play the ukulele so well?... Exactly, I wouldn't. 

I'm not saying it doesn't have its downsides because it totally does. Have you ever had a panic attack? Because it isn't fun. Your stomach drops and you can basically feel your heart beating through your entire body. Sort of like a throbbing. For the first part, you basically just try to convince yourself that you're okay and everything is going to be fine. Fine. Everything is Fine...

You're still antsy though and you can't sit down until you realize you can't ignore the problem. You're having a panic attack. By this point, you feel like you can't just go fix it now because you're too anxious and it's all just so overwhelming. You know you want to do something about it but you can't because you either can't move or you can't focus on the idea of doing something for more than two seconds. 

So, you just stew in your anxiety and the adrenaline that is still coursing through you until someone snaps you out of it. For me, it's mostly my parents. You burst into tears and you finally let out everything that's just been building inside of you because of what went wrong. 

Now that it's over, you feel numb. All of that emotion built inside of you but once the attack ended, all of that flooded away. Yes, it's over, but hey, I guess I have no emotions now. You don't feel panic or anxiety. You feel numb from everything. You just disassociate yourself from everything around you. All you can do is walk around with this numbness until you finally get a bit of that emotion back and feel like yourself again.

All you have to do now is build toward the next panic attack. (Thumbs up) On a good day, my anxiety is about here (hand hovering around knees), not so unmanageable, but it slowly builds because of the little things. 

Oh no, I forgot to turn in that piece of homework. (Move hand up a little)
Did I remember to feed the cats? (Hand up higher)
Where did I put that pencil? (Hand up higher)
Wait, where did that screw for my bed go? Great, my bed's going to fall apart now. (Hand all the way up, jumping up) 

And then it's time for another panic attack...

So, you can see why having anxiety isn't all fun and games but it's still me. I am who I am. I will keep up with my self deprecating jokes, my numbing panic attacks, my stress over the smallest of things... I'll keep it all the same until maybe I decide it isn't who I want to be anymore. You're just going to have to put up with me being a cluster fuck of anxiety... For now.