「 days without you 」

xi. (your number.)

Thursday 2:46pm 9 August 2018

I talked my heart out to three counsellors, 

let two GPs examine the inner workings of my mind 

and rested my thoughts on a psychologist.

above all, I've met eyes with people crazier than myself.

I tell her, "I was in the middle of the ocean, 

completely unaware of my direction," 

I laugh, "he was a beautiful island nearby.

I swam to his shores and called the sand home, 

ignorant of the volcano point blank in the middle 

until it erupted."

I built down the architecture of my words 

because she couldn't understand me, 

"he said he loved me as he shot me in the heart."

these beautiful words hidden deep 

in the dictionary softened the blow. 

I'd call myself a princess in distress 

and refer to you as my knight in shining armour

 that never saved the day.

how bad of me, was it? 

how unnecessarily kind of me.

to give you such pardon.

but they were easier to say than: 

"he was toxic and abusive, 

he manipulated me and treated me like a game. 

then when he got bored, 

he threw me away.

and it left me

traumatised."