I love her

Dreams

I had a dream about you. You hated me of course. I didn't like that dream, it made me upset. But a few days later I had another one about you. We were in your room, on your bed just talking. I told you I still loved you, of course I do, how could I just fall out of love? You told me that you can't be in a relationship. You wouldn't let yourself because they would just lose you, so I asked you what you meant. You told me you had cancer, that you were dying and you weren't sure if you would make it. I woke up after that, crying because I couldn't bear to lose you more than I already have. I know I've fucked up, real bad. I know I called you names. But that's because I was just so angry that you didn't want me, I wanted to make you feel my pain, I wanted to make you jealous. I guess that backfired, because now you hate me even more.
I still have that ring you gave me, if that means anything. I don't wear it anymore, I don't want you to think I'm weird for doing that.
I get high a lot, just to forget about you. Other times I get high to remember you. I'll never get over you, and I really wish I could. You've moved on and I understand that. I don't message you anymore even when I really want to. I respect you too much to do that. I want you to be happy, because I sure know what it feels like to want to die every second of your life. I'm really sorry for hurting you and I know that sorry isn't going to fix a thing, I could apologize a thousand times and it still wouldn't do anything. I just want you to know one last time. I love you. I hope you're doing well, I hope you find the love of your life and go on marrying them and having beautiful children. You'll always be on my mind. Even if you don't know it. I love you.
A lot of this might not make since and I'm sorry if it doesn't, Im just so tired of trying. Don't worry about me though, I'll be okay. Even though I'm still writing in this book I made years ago. Fuck, I miss you.