big man in town | sabriel

11 | important conversations

sam.

adam's death was something that affected dean and i drastically. we cared about adam; we loved him.

i thought back sweetly on the memories of the three of us goofing around at a young age. i couldn't have been older than 8, making dean 12 and adam 11. dean would take charge most of the time, campaigning with the sound logic that he was the oldest. we'd all travel next door to uncle bobby and aunt jody's house, annoy their kids claire and alex, and then steal any clothes we could find and dress up ridiculously. we'd run around and pretend we were ghostbusters of some sort. i think it was heavily influenced by some late night ghost hunting themed tv show we watched that i can't seem to remember the name of.

when we dressed up, on more than a few occasions i can remember trying on alex's heels. they were too big for my feet and too tall for me to walk in, but i enjoyed staying stationary and doing silly poses in them. dean and adam always encouraged me, saying i looked great and that they suited me.  i was so blessed to grow up around such accepting people. the more i thought about it, the more i realized my gender non conformity was always present. i have always been feminine, it's just in my nature. that's why i couldn't stand the thought of law school. three piece suits and businesslike attitude is not my style; never has been. expressing myself was something that was always important to me.

another memory resurfaced. when adam stayed with us, we gave him an air mattress in the living room floor. one day, when i was 11 and he was 14, we were up way past bedtime on my dad's computer. we weren't doing anything inherently bad, just playing games and laughing and being kids. that is, until we heard footsteps coming down the stairs.

adam literally launched himself over the back of the couch, onto the air mattress, and was feigning sleep in a matter of seconds. leaving me clumsily pushing buttons to try and get the computer to turn off before dad saw me.

i failed.

i was promptly (and quietly, since adam was "asleep") scolded for staying up late and using his computer without permission, and was sentenced to bed. the next day, adam felt so bad for bailing on me that he let me listen to his ipod all day long. i was content after that.

the rest of my day in the apartment was spent like this. lazily moping around, mourning the death of someone i considered close. adam was a good person, and just using the past tense to describe him felt so wrong.

i was laying in bed in the middle of the afternoon when dean burst through my door excitedly.

"hiya sammy!" he said with a grin. "look what i picked up from the store!" i heard plastic rustling before dean pulled something from behind his back: uno cards.

"you wanna play uno?" i asked, a hint of a laugh in my voice.

"hell yeah i wanna play uno. so i can destroy you!"

i laughed, shaking my head but getting up out of bed nevertheless.

we sat on the floor in the front room, legs crossed and facing each other. i started shuffling half the deck and dean got to work on the other half, and for a while the only sounds in the apartment were coming from the cards in our hands.

"so, i was thinking..." dean started slowly, cutting through the near-silence. there was strain in his voice, like he was trying to keep calm through whatever he was about to say. "well, i wasn't thinking. i just kinda acted, actually." he corrected before sighing and looking me directly in the eyes, all shuffling ceasing. "i quit my job." he said curtly.

i blinked at him before registering what he said and visibly recoiling. "why?" i asked bewilderedly.

"sioux falls is great and all, really. but... i want to get a job here." if it was possible, my eyebrows went even further up my forehead. "and i know what you're thinking." he said. "but we can find a nice apartment in the city, you can keep making your art, and i'll work to pay the rent." he grinned expectantly up at me.

"dean, no." i stated simply. his grin fell. "i don't want you providing for me. i'm an adult."

"i know that sammy!" dean replied defensively. "i just think it's time i had a change of scenery. the same old faces get boring up where bobby and them live, and i—" he paused and sighed, rubbing his face with his hand. "i miss having somebody to take care of. i miss my little brother."

i looked down at my hands and shook my head, sighing defeatedly. "dean, what is this about? it was never like this before. you didn't even bother to call me back for months." it was then that i noticed the pained look on dean's face. the silence was thickening every second until finally, dean spoke in a broken near-whisper.

"kids like adam kill themselves every day. it made me realize that death happens all the time." he looked directly at me now, and i was listening intently. "nobody saw it coming, and i mean nobody. when they found his body, we were all completely floored. it was devastating, and it made me realize that i love my family and i need to make sure they know it. what if you ended up like him? or worse, what if you ended up on the streets?" he was visibly fighting back tears now, determined not to cry. "i don't ever wanna grow apart from you. let me take care of you sammy, please."

dean punctuated that last sentence with a sob and i rushed to help him. "dean, dean it's okay." i went through everything he'd said in my head as he hugged me, uno cards forgotten on the floor. "listen, listen." i held him up to face me. "move into some nice apartment in town. you can come visit me or invite me to visit you whenever you like. we can be near each other without having to be under the same roof." i explained. seeing dean all emotionally broken down was incredibly hard on me, but i kept my head up. "it'll be okay."

he smiled softly and sniffled, looking up. "you're so smart, sammy. thank you."

"don't mention it." i said as i pulled him in for one last hug.

-

gabe and i had spent the last few days since our date constantly texting or calling. sending selfies, jokes, contemplating the universe late into the night, and just in general getting to know each other. these days i never got up before 10am, usually waiting to go out and sell my art until the afternoon. i made some money here and there and all in all i felt good. still didn't know what he did for work, though. but hey, that just gives me something to find out later.

one night we were on the phone, it had to have been past midnight, and something dawned on me. i sat straight up in bed and breathed out. "um." i started awkwardly. "what are we?" i cringed outwardly at the blurted cliche and waited for him to inevitably reject me, because things have just been too good lately. something had to go wrong soon.

there was silence for at least 2 full minutes before a sigh from the other side of the phone and then "listen, kiddo."

i was immensely disappointed and i started talking before he could finish. "i knew it. bye, ga—"

"wait!" he said urgently. i kept the phone to my ear. "let me finish talking, for fuck's sake!" he breathed out slowly, calming himself down. when he began speaking again, it was in a tender voice. "i'm sorry for yelling at you. i'm working on that, honestly." a few beats of silence. "there's actually a lot of things i gotta work on if i'm gonna make this work... but for you, kiddo, i think i'm willing to try."

i didn't know exactly what he meant by that, but i was excited. whatever he was going through, he was willing to make himself better for me. not that he could possibly get any better in my eyes, but the sentiment touched my heart sweetly and gave me butterflies. "okay." i squeaked.

"before you agree to anything, though. i've gotta tell you something. and i have to tell you face to face. how does tomorrow at 1 sound? the park by your place?" he said all of this tentatively.

curiosity burned in my chest. what did he want to tell me? "sure." i said. guess i'll find out.

"great." i could hear the smile in his voice, but there was something else too. like it was a sad smile. "i'll see you tomorrow. goodnight, sam."

"goodnight, gabe." i said softly before hanging up the phone.

***

what do y'all think gabe is gonna tell sam?