Pheobis's Journal

Entry 1

I don't want to write this, but it's just something I have to do. Ha. Kind of like death isn't it? No one wants to die, but at some point everyone has to.
Gosh Nectar said writing how I feel about the situation would make me feel better. Well hey mom if you're secretly reading this great job is didn't help!

I understand my talon writing looks like trash, and if you're reading this; sorry. But you also shouldn't be stealing someone's journal or trying to read something that doesn't belong to you. And yes it's a worn smelly notebook sorry that you're probably upset by that, I am too. And I'm the owner of this journal!

I don't know why I feel I have to write this. I don't ever want to think about that day again, though I know I'll never forget it. Nectar said it will be fine but I feel she is trying to reassure herself of that too. She said grief isn't linear, you can't track it.

Gosh I reread this and I feel like ripping the pages out. Even all the blank ones. Then stuff them up every Hivewings snout and show them my pain is all their fault. This just seems stupid. All of it. And it's definitely not making me feel any better. It's just making me sad.

Wow. Ok that sounded like a bunch of cheesy antelope poop.

I'm just so tired of all this! It's not S̶p̶i̶n̶e̶s̶t̶r̶e̶a̶k̶s̶ fault! Gosh I don't even want to think about him. I don't want to write his name. I miss him and it's all the Hivewings fault!

———

Nectar did read this and told me later after my first part of writing, I decided to continue writing today and it still is part of the first entry. Nectar told me to try and sound and be less depressed. I'm not depressed! I'm just upset about it all! I should probably just write down that day but I don't want to even think about that day right now.

I don't know much to write about (other than that day) but Nectar keeps telling me I should write in this dumb yellowish book. Of course she doesn't say dumb or yellowish when talking about this book. I guess I could write about that day, but I don't know how much I could get down before crying again. He did tell me not to let them see me cry.

You know if you find my journal and are reading this you should at least try to give it back. So you know who I am; I am writing this while living in Jewel hive, I'm still a kid. I'm mostly yellow but no not a Hivewing. I'm a only child, it's not like I'll ever have A̶n̶y̶ ̶s̶i̶b̶l̶i̶n̶g̶s̶ ̶b̶e̶c̶a̶u̶s̶e̶ ̶h̶e̶ i̶s̶ ̶d̶e̶-̶—ok nope not continuing that train of thought because it's making me sad again. L̶e̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶j̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶t̶i̶n̶u̶e̶ ̶l̶e̶t̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶d̶e̶s̶c̶r̶i ok no again I'm sounding stupid at this point. And egotistical. I'm not even writing a letter I'm just writing to no one!

Ugh sorry to whomever you are that found the journal, I'll try to continue my description of myself . At this point I'm rambling into my journal.

I'm not a Hivewing, I'm mostly yellow, I don't have my wings yet, I'm Five years old.

Why does this sounds like a riddle. Oh by three moons I feel stupid. I'll just have Nectar write about me.

Nectars description of me (oh my gosh she has neat talon writing);
Pheobis is the owner of this notebook and is also my son. He is a yellow Silkwing with some orange half circles down his spine and orange horns. His antenna are a pale orange red. He is a bit of a dork like his father but kind.

It is almost sunset now and I should probably talk to Glossamer and Ares. I've been avoiding them since the incident, they aren't to blame though. I'm probably just worrying them.

I'll write more in my journal later. When I have more time that is, the two will probably try to take me somewhere tomorrow to talk about it but I really don't want to.