It's been about 3 months since my mom moved Ari in. These pass maybe 10 till 11 months has been the hardest months of my life I'm just not happy anymore I never was to begin with but it's just all heavy on me now.
I'm not in the right state of mind I had contemplated suicide many times and when I mean many many of times but when you think about suicide it makes it seem easy like popping pills and all the pain gon go away or hang yourself one second you ain't going to be able to breathe for what 10 seconds but all the pain is gone go away it just makes it seem easy in your head but that's all I want is for all the pain to go away I don't know what happened to me that day that Ari cheated but something is really wrong with me and I had to find a therapist which I got a appointment today at 3 because I don't know what's going on with me
" so what's your plans for the day because I need you to be home by 5 because me and Mr.Lotus are leaving again" my said
" well I got somewhere to be 3 to 4:30 but I should be able to get the kids from school at 5 and then I could drop Rha off at practice and Kam and corey to Gnuna house cause she want them this weekend so it just gone be me and Rhasheed" i said
" where you going at 3 to 4:30" she balled up her face
" I'm going to do something I just said that" i shrugged
" listen I know you're upset about me letting her stay here but you have to understand that is not okay that was very rude what you said to her and what you did to her yes she told me and yes she told me she cheated on you but come on you can't treat people like that no matter how bad they treat you cuz blessings are going to come your way" i laughed and shook my head
" as of right now I don't care about no blessings cuz I've been doing good for so long and didn't receive not one so please leave God out of this cuz he's never here anyway so don't bring him around now" i laughed
" don't you ever question my God don't you ever lose your faith I will beat the living hell are you do you understand me" she rushed me with her finger in my face
" wow you beat me why don't you try killing me too I mean nobody would feel no type of way I mean shitt I want to die anyway so do me a favor" i shrugged
" what is going on with you you have not been acting yourself" she put her hands on her hip
" well when people keep breaking your heart and people keep hurting you you tend to not be yourself anymore you ever thought of that" i said as Ari walked in the kitchen and grabbed the ice cream
" hey mrs. Lotus" she kissed my mom cheek
" hey baby"
" hey nya" she said
" what's up" i nodded not even looking at her
"Dumb bitch" i mumbled to myself
" It is 2:05 so I'm going to stop making my way to the plane cuz I have to leave at 3:30 exactly so I I hope you have a good time wherever you going but I got to go love you" she kissed my cheek and left
I sat there on my phone til 2:35 and then i left
"Bye" Ari said and i closed the door
I drove to the therapist office and I literally got there right on time at exactly 2:59 to be exact
I went in and signed in and they called me right to the back
The new sled me to the office and I took a seat
"Hello... Ms. Peterson is nice to meet you I Mrs. Olive" she smile an extended her hand and I took it and Shake It
" hi"
" so let's jump into a we're going to get as much information today as we can because we have an hour and 30 minutes" she looked down at he paper " so why are you here" she smiled
" well I've been really really sad you can't even say depressed"
" quick response I like that now let's keep that energy going what have you been said about"
" well I've been really sad because I feel like everybody in my life is going to leave me or they're going to do me wrong and I don't want to have that mindset but it's like people keep proving me right" i shook my head
" without telling me names tell me who was the first person that left you and what they meant to you"
"Hmmm.." I swollawed the lump in my throat "well..." I blinked my tears away
"Listen take you time"
I nodded " the first person to leave me was my older brother.." My voice cracked
" how and why did he leave"
" well he was shot up sleeping on a park bench" i started to cried " we found him on my birthday and they said he actually had died around 12:51 and it's all because my mom my mom kicked him out for getting high with his girlfriend or whatever you want to call that hoe like why would he even do that why did he actually leave he knew I would have let him back in the house I would have snuck them back in why would he leave me look now I'm stuck here on this Earth and everybody keeps hurting me when I say everybody I mean everybody"
" so you're mad at him because someone took his life"
" no it's not like that I'm mad at him because he left me he left me to deal with this on my own"
" first of all he did not have a choice they took him and once you own that your brother was killed not by choice you will be able to forgive him but you're holding a grudge against him because of something he had no control over and you're placing blame also on yourself because you feel like he didn't want to come to you to help him or whatever you're thinking but listen it was nobody fault the way he died yes your mom shouldn't have put them out yes maybe he should have trusted you to have his back but none of y'all took his life not one person in the house who ever took his life is probably somewhere living their life and you're stuck here sad and holding on to a grudge against your brother when he had no control over what happened I'm not saying you need to let that go but I'm saying you need to be able to forgive but not forget you make honor him you may remember him but you should not blame them or your mother yes you may not agree with what she did but as a mother we try our best but we cannot control everything we do not always make the right decisions we just try we wing it every time we have a child is different everybody needs a different type of care everybody needs a different type of discipline nobody the same your mother didn't know what to do she never to her son was going to go out there and die but he did and I'm pretty sure she lives with that everyday" i nodded and cried
