Guns and Mirrors

TWENTY-FOUR

This is a double update as per usual- Chapter 23 was uploaded before this so please make sure you read them in the correct order :)

♕Harley Anderson♕

Racing sober is already hard but racing with a hangover is even worse. The whole time I practiced with Isaac, he kept telling me to "get my shit together".

Shit, he doesn't know how hard I'm trying. Everything about me is a mess but every time I try get it together, something throws me off track. Again.

I return home after practice, catching up some sleep for two hours before getting up again and getting ready for my race this evening. My loss last night is still fresh in my mind, making me tremble in nerves for fear that tonight will be the same result. I enter the bathroom, pulling my hair into a low pony. The blonde is growing out now and I stare at my dark roots, wondering if I'll redo the blonde or leave my natural hair to grow out.

As I pull a hair tie around my hair, I catch a glimpse of my wrists in the mirror- my raw and aching wrists- and I look away, feeling nauseous at the thought and sight of what I've done. The thought of... killing myself is so insane to me and something I would never consider but... isn't cutting how it starts? Once upon time I also said I would never hurt myself and yet here I am. Not even when my father was using me as a punching bag did I cut. I promised myself that I wouldn't hurt myself- I wouldn't do what he did to me. I'm supposed to be the one person I can always rely on.

I drop my hand, entering the room again and rummaging through my jewelry before slipping some on- enough to hide the marks.

With a sigh, I grab my handbag and leave the apartment, driving to the track. I park in the lot and climb out, ignoring the lingering glances on me. Making my way to Isaac, I see my brother and I look away, walking faster to Isaac.

"When must I go?" I ask, ignoring Charlotte who watches me with a smug smile.

"After the next two. Make sure you don't lose tonight Harley. Jack wasn't pleased last night." Isaac warns lowly and I gulp, nodding stiffly.

"Good luck Harley." Charlotte says sarcastically and I throw her the middle finger before walking back to my car. With every step that I take, it feels like I'm pressing a button to increase my anxiety. My throat closes up and it's like I can't get air down. I put my hands against the hood of my car, leaning on it and closing my eyes. My stomach churns violently and I tremble vigorously, as if I'm freezing, and I try calm down.

I can't have an attack right now. Not here. Even with my car parked in a secluded area. I can't have it here.

"Harley?" I hear Cyrus say and I spin around to see him watching me in concern, eyebrows knitted together. "Are you okay?" He asks and I look away, staring at my distorted reflection on the car.

"Please go away Cyrus." I mumble but it's barely audible with how my voice wavers and how breathless it is.

I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

"Harley, whats wrong?" He presses, coming closer, and when I feel his touch on my back, I recoil away from him before  pinching the bridge of my nose.

"Please don't ask me that." I rasp out, leaning on the roof of my car with my elbows and I begin to hyperventilate.

"Harley. Shit. You're stressing me out. What's wrong?"

"I...I...can't br-breathe." I rasp out, holding my throat and closing my eyes shut.

"Why?" He asks, standing beside me and placing a hand on the small of my back. I'm too focused on trying to calm down to tell him not to touch me.