Death--something I used to fear. Even just with the thought of it made me a coward. Yet here I am now, inviting it to dance with me. Cutting through my wrist with a sharp thin blade.
One deep cut as agonizing familiar images flash through my mind, again. Blade cuts deeper, the recognizable numbness and sting spreads through my wrist. How did a 16 year old carry on having agonizing memories that come with headaches as she remembers? Been years since this started but is still a mystery of mine.
Two cuts, as the memory of a very familiar yet unclear image of a man turning away from me flashed through my mind again. Can't life be a bit nicer to me?
Three cuts. As the man or someone used to be my man starts to walk away. My heart's screaming, wishing for him to look back, and come back running to me.
I opened my eyes...
yet the excruciating memories still keep on flashing.
I started to cut more lines, deeper. Blood dripping, staining my white shirt and pillow that I was hugging.
I set up the rope and the chair. I played my favorite soothing music before I found my self already on top of the chair. I positioned my head through the loop. I kicked the chair that caused me to just hang by the rope with no support under me.
The rope got tighter, tighter and tighter.I never did try to save nor stop myself. I could've had jump but I chose not to.
"I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I want to feel you in my arms again
And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love, then you softly leave
And it's me you need to show"
As I close my eyes, I found myself singing through the song as memories flash clearly as I see myself happily inlove with a man. That man whose face I never saw.
"How deep is your love?"
As I open my eyes, which I wish didn't, I was already lying in a hospital bed with doctors trying to keep me alive.
Keep fighting,they said. But I was already fighting my whole life.
I smiled and held the familiar nurse's hand while motioning her to stop. She looked at me as if she's asking me if I'm sure. I showed her a thumbs up. She looked at everyone. They sorrowfully nodded as they looked at each other. She stopped the doctor from trying to bring my breathing and heartbeat back to normal
She knows. She still does. .
They tried to give me a smile, the smile that says 'we understand'.
Finally,again...Somebody who understands that I've already been fighting for a very long time.
They understood that I can't do it anymore. I can't keep on fighting anymore.
I heard it. The monitor stopped on beeping and the long beep that I always saw from movies when someone's heart stops beating resounded in my ears as my eyelids got heavy and started to close.
Time of Death 11:59 PM
March 15, 1999
"Oh gago baka bangungot na ang ikamatay mo ngayon ha? Hindi pa nga natin nababago ang takbo ng tadhana niyo parang namamaalam ka na naman HAHAHA" Tawang-tawang ani ni Rei matapos niya akong gisingin bago pa man ako tuluyang malamon ng bangungot ko.
Mga alaala ng nakaraang tila 'di ako pamilyar.
"Gago nakuha mo pa akong tawanan pano pag namatay talaga ako baka magpaparty ka pa." sagot ko at nagtungo na sa kusina para kumuha ng tubig dahil sa hingal at panunuyo ng lalamunan ko.
Binatukan niya ako dahilan para masamid ako sa tubig na iniinom ko.
"Ah tanga, ah oo, tanga nga talaga. Pag namatay ka edi masusunod na naman ako or else ako pa mauuna dahil ako naman talaga yung palagi mong kasama kahit kelan. Nung dalawang beses ka nang namatay eh nasunod ako para may tagagising sayo sa katotohanan na nabuhay ka na naman."
"Gago eh required ba na batukan mo 'ko?!" Sigaw ko. Nakita namang nainom ako ng tubig binatukan pa ako. Masasamid ka rin not now but soon akala mo ha.
Natigil ako sa pag-iisip kung paano ako makakapaghiganti sa kanya nang bigyan niya ako ng isang baso na may kakalagay lang na tubig. At binatukan ulit ako.
"Binatukan na ulit kita bago mo inumin yang tubig. At dahil nasamid ka eh ayan tubig inumin mo para mahimasmasan ka... sa katotohanang hindi kayo para sa isa't-isa. Okeh?"
"Pake ko ba dun? Pag nakita ko na ulit yung lalaking yun. Nako lagot sakin yun." Pagbabanta ko na akala mo naman ay kilala ko na ang lalaking yun sa ganitong panahon.
"Pang ilang beses ka na kaya sa mga marupok na narinig kong nagsabi niyan 'no? Sa lahat ikaw na talaga ang pinakamalala dinadamay mo pa talaga 'ko sa paghahabol mo sa lalaki este sa paggagala mo sa panahon, ano?" Wika niya sa tonong 'tila nangangaral. Nangangaral sa pagiging marupok ko.
Tama nga naman bakit ba 'di ko pa mahanap agad ang lalaking 'iyon nang masama ko na sa kamatayan para matapos na 'to. Pagod na pagod na ako.
