I now believe in reincarnation and this is already my third life. I already died two times ng dahil sa successful suicide attempts ko. Lahat ng attempts ko dahil lang sa heartbreak that triggered depression. Atleast 'yon ang naaalala ko.
Noon pa man kasi ayaw na ayaw ko talagang uminom ng gamot kaya nakatwo points na si Pareng Kamatayan sakin dahil sa pagpabaya ko na lamunin ako ni depression.
I can now cope with the dreams from my recent life but the heartbreak is still there... always. Still the same man that kept on breaking me... will always be.
I don't remember any feature ng face niya kasi kung may maaalala man ako and makilala ko siya ulit, malalagot talaga. Nakakapagod kasi na lahat na lang ng buhay ko sinayang ko dahil lang sa pagmamahal ng taong lolokohin rin ako.
My life as Amanda from the year 1900, I was an American Citizen . Middle class family and was the only child. Because of the standards of families back then,I was never really exposed to the outside world nor even just play outside as a child.
I can kind of say that I was stuck my whole life before at and was homeschooled. Thus, I had my teachers come over our house everyday for my classes.
I had a bestfriend that with time, became my boyfriend .He was the son of my "proper etiquette and manners" teacher. As of what his mother teaches, he became my partner for practicing how to interact with people when out mansion holds balls and parties. Also learnt about maintaining my poise, proper posture and gestures when talking to upperclass men.
As lowkey expected, we had to keep our relationship as a secret as unfortunately, as stories goes, I was arranged to marry a noble man with higher status than our family.
I did everything. Fought for us just to keep us going and happy together. But the very day my heart broke the first time came, my parents suggested me to end things with him as they saw him with somebody else.
Yes, they knew everything about us the very day we started dating. They did let me continue my thing with him as they saw how his presence and everything about him made me the happiest. They still forbid me going out of the vicinity as they wanted to keep me safe inside their protection.
I didn't believe at first but he soon admitted that he already had someone he was courting even before he had me. He did stop pursuing her but she gave him the chance again exactly when we were already together.
And guess what, pinagpalit ako sa mas nauna. Sa palagi niya kasama. Patakas lang kasi akong nakikipagdate sa kanya not knowing na nahuli naman na pala kami.
Yes, he might have said he did love me yet it wasn't that deep. I did not even give him the chance to choose between his new girl and me, why? Kahit tinigilan niya na, you will never look for a second better choice if you already had the best with your first. And cheating is both a sin and a choice that I won't tolerate dahil lang mahal ko yung tao.
That's why I spent the rest of my life grieving, asking myself what was wrong with me. I finally ended my life the very last minute before my 18th birthday.
Ha, pathetic.
11:59 PM
March 15, 1900.
Second life, Jihye. I was a tourist from Korea to Philippines. Nakacope up naman ako easily dahil both half Filipino half Korean naman ang parents ko they met sa Korea and chose to stay there for good.
I mostly got my features from the half Korean parts of my parents.
When we visited Philippines, everyone was kind and welcoming us warmly as if they've know us for a long time na.
I met this guy he's our neighbor from the apartment we rented to stay at for our vacation.
He's taller than me, he had such cold voice when he talked to other people yet he was sweet spoken when he talked to me. It's because he's not really that kind to everyone.
He chooses if kanino siya magiging maalaga, mabait at maaalahanin. Pero once na mapili ka niya para pahalagahan, damn sobra sobra rin siya magmahal. Kaya nga nung naging mas close kami I was too overwhelmed by how he was actually so cute apart from the stiff and cold person everybody knew.
Pero yun nga we never really did become official, we were just "something". I never knew why. It's weird because I always feel like something's missing. "Almost" was never really enough.
And sa relationships, there's no such label as "something". Walang kami pero parang meron. Parang nga lang.
I wanted us to be official pero I don't want to be the one to approach. I was too afraid na masira kung ano ang meron kami.
And alam ko rin na masasaktan lang rin ako sa kanya dahil halfway nalaman ko na he's also the person that broke my heart from my past life. Umasa ako na baka lang naman nagsisi na siya, nagbago dahil baka ako talaga yung gusto.
I don't remember how but I just did. Alam niya rin kaya pala he recognized me the moment we talked and that was why he was that stiff to everyone, he was waiting for me.
Pero never nagappear sa memories ko ang clear face niya. Maybe because from my past lives I did recognize him not by his face but how he used to treat me and how his voice became such music to my ears.
My memories just rapidly change when he's already turning his back away from me. That's when the memories of how I killed myself appears, every single time.
But, I do still love him. My heart only beats for him.
Kaya ipinilit ko pa rin nagbabakasakali na baka maiba na ang takbo ng tadhana. Maging kami na ang para sa isa't isa. We just got happier and better than before. "Love is sweeter the second time around" sabi nila.
Pero as they also said, "once a cheater always a cheater". Mahal na mahal ko naman siya pero bakit parang kulang talaga? Ah wala pala kaming label.
As he turn away his back on me, the second fcking time I decided to give up and quit on my life, the second darn time again. Same damn time and same damn way.
That was when I gave myself a chance to start a new life. Not to start but to continue the life I lived twice and to give myself justice of a better life.
still pathetic.
11:59 PM
March 15, 1999
