How To Love

10.

Was it the liquor, that makes me act blind, times that I'm with her
Anonymous pictures of other niggas tryin' to kiss her
Will I love her or shall I diss her?
I'm sick of this scandalous shit I deal wit
Tryin' to paint a perfect picture
My memories of jealousy no longer carefree
'cause so much bullshit your girlfriends keep tellin' me
I'm on tour, but now my bedroom's an open door
So it got me thinkin', what am I tryin' for?
When I was young I was so very dumb, eager to please
A lil', trick on a mission tryin' to get in my P's
Me and my niggas is thug niggas, former known drug dealers
We don't love bitches and believe, they don't love niggas
I gotta blame my attraction
But you became a distraction, a threat to my paper stackin'
I thought you changed but now I know
Can't turn a hoe into a housewife, baby, and there you go
There you, there you go actin' like a hoe
There you, there you go, actin' like a hoe
There you, there you go actin' like a hoe
Actin' like a hoe, actin' like a hoe
Hoe! See the word on the streets you're a
Hoe! Just a groupie on a world tour
Hoe! Now I found out for myself you're a
Hoe! Girl you need to check yourself
: There U Go by Tupac

                       ~Kami~
                "Kino I was scared," I reasoned.
                "Scared of what?" He asked. I shrugged.
               "Something. I gotta go see Hakeem," I shrugged. He shook his head at me as I left his house. Kino freaking chewed me out this morning. He was not having it. He said my paranoid ass kept Nala up all night and she kept him up all night.
             But I was so scared that Michael was coming for me. I pulled into HaKeem's driveway. I walked into his house and his child and girl were gone. "Wassup?" I asked him.
                 "A'Kami, I really should knock the fuck out of you," he said calmly.
            "How are you feeling?" I asked him.
             "I really should knock the fuck out of you," he repeated.
             "Why?" I asked sitting down.
             "All I fucking do for you. I needed you one time. Just one fucking time. And it took me threatening your ass for you to come and see me."
             "I was going to come and see you," I started.
             "But?" He asked.
             "I didn't have time," I lied.
             "You're my first fucking priority." I winced.
              "I gotta tell you something," I sighed.
              "What the fuck you gotta tell me?"
              "Who was that girl here with you last night and is that your child?" I asked suddenly.
               "Who does it matter to you?" He asked.
                "Is her name Kami?" I asked him.
               "No. Her name is Tyla. Why are you questioning me?" He asked.
               "You called her Kami when she walked into your hospital room," I said.
              "Kami, I was heavily sedated in that room. I don't remember that. I remember telling Lanky I didn't see you and that's it. I thought you didn't even come to the hospital."
              "I rode with you in the ambulance. Can you just tell me who that girl was? I came here last night and y'all were cuddled up on the couch."
               "Tyla and I dated briefly. She's Nadia and Sadie's friend. Her son is your cousin, I guess Kano's child. She came here crying last night about something he did to her. She's not my girl and that is not child," he said.
              "Why don't you call me Kami?" I asked him.
               "Because I love you. I rather call you Love. I've loved you since I saw you when you were 13. It took me way too long to find you again," he said. My mouth hung up open. It's been damn near five years since I heard I love you.
               "You remember when I told you I was raped back when I got kidnapped?" I asked. He nodded. "and you got mad at me about sleeping with that guy that everyone is looking for."
                "Kami where are you going with this?" He asked.
                "His name is Michael. He's Kino's brother. And he, my mom, and Par kidnapped us. Michael is the one who raped me. When I was 16, he did it again feeding me pills. And three years ago, he popped up again. With pills and liquor right when I was doing better. The day before I met you. And he occasionally pops up at my house with the pills and alcohol, so he can have sex with me," I said quickly wiping the tears that had fallen. "And the night you were stabbed, I planned on coming back the next day, but he gave me a pill. I don't know what it was and he poured liquor into my mouth. I couldn't feel anything. But we didn't have sex, because Lanky scared him off. And after that, I stayed in a hotel scared he'd come back," I cried. Hakeem sighed.
             "You were sleeping with a guy who raped you when you were 13?" He asked.
              "At first he threatened me saying if I didn't, he's just kill me and fuck me anyways. But after a few pills and some alcohol, I just let him fuck me. I couldn't feel it anyways," I shrugged.
               "He's been threatening you too?" He asked.
               "After the night Lanky scared him off, I started staying at an inn. And he popped up there last night, but I tased him and ran. I stayed the night at Kino's."
              "So you've been having sex with the man that raped you plus your hoes?" He asked. He chuckled.
               "I haven't been having sex with any hoes for the past year. It was only you and him until recently. I just got head from a couple of guys," I shrugged.
               "I don't think you understand the impact of your actions. This dude raped a fucking 13 year old! And you willingly having sex with him!"
              "That's not all," I whispered. He stared at me. "Trevor. It's been Trevor since I was 14. We stopped when we graduated, but we started back after my brother's wedding. And after he came back from basic, we had sex again, but that was the last time," I explained.
               "Who was the last person you had sex with?"
                "You," I whispered.
               "Kami, I swear before GOD, you better not have any fucking thing or I'm gone kill you! You used to slip my fucking condom off and I hit you raw!" He snapped.
               "Because I wanted to get pregnant. I thought if I got pregnant, I wouldn't have to take the pills and everything would be fine. I didn't know what else to do," I cried.
                "GET THE FUCK OUT!" He snapped.
               "Hakeem-"
               "I don't even understand why I even fucking tried with you! Everybody told me you was a hoe. You told me you were a hoe. But Kami I was fine with it. I wanted to help you, but you can't even be fucking honest with me. I'm sitting here looking fucking dumb and there you go just like a hoe caught in the streets. Mannnn. Can't turn a hoe into a housewife."
              "Hakeem," I said.
              "It's Tristan to you bitch."
              "I need something between my legs," I thought aloud. He became alert.
             "Kami you need to go lay down," he started.
             "No. I need something between my legs."
            "Kami don't leave this house. You could hurt yourself," he shook his head.
             "It's been almost a month Hakeem," I said.
              "A'Kami if you walk out that fucking door, I don't have shit else for you. No love, no support. Nothing. You're gonna have to get your shit together on your own and don't say shit else to me until you do. I'm cutting you the fuck off."
             "I don't need you," I said. Then I walked out of the house. Fuck, he just told me he loved me. I drove to Omar's house. Michael wouldn't dare go there.
                "Most of his kids were here. I was looking for Kissy though. She was not here.
               "Hey Kami," DonDon said. I waved at him and Sonya. They had their new baby here. I need the basement.
                "Kami what are you doing here?" Omar asked.
                "Can I stay here with you for a while?" I asked him. He nodded looking a bit confused.
                 "Of course. Just choose a room. Stay as long as you need to," he told me.
             "You look drained," he commented.
               "Yeah, I'm gonna go down for a nap now," I told him. He nodded as I walked away. I went upstairs to Kissy's old room. Me, her, KayZarri spent a lot of time up here. I took my pill bottle out of my purse and threw back there. Then I laid there on the bed.
                     Flashback
               "I need you inside of me. I need something between my legs," I told Hakeem.
             "Not now Love. You're not sober."
            "I am sober. I only took one pill and I haven't drunk anything today. Please Hakeem. I need something between my legs." I was about to cry. He nodded pulling out a condom. I climbed on top of him riding him hard and fast. The next day I woke up in a pool of blood.
              I went into the ER and they informed me that I miscarried. I killed my child all because of a need to have something between my legs. I cleaned my bed and tossed back at least five pills and I passed out on the bathroom floor.
            But damn I felt good.

              "I think it's something wrong Jamal. Kami is here. She looks like she's sedated," I heard Omar say.
              "She's always like this?"
               "If you say so, Jamal. I'll just leave her alone."
                 Damn I need something between my legs. I put a pillow between them and drifted off to sleep.
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