I'm Not Sorry - Trixya

- 13 -

Katyas POV

I was literally getting to the end of my rope. Dating Trixie is amazing. The problem is that she's like a drug to me. When I'm with her I'm pretty good mentally but when I'm alone my mind is swamped with thoughts and voices.

But now? Now we've just been told Kitten needs to be put down. Trixie was absolutely devastated when we found out. In the three days since Kitten hasn't left Trixies side. She somehow even convinced her work to let the cat be brought in for a few days.

Kitten looked terrible and we know it's for the best but it's still so sad. She has hair falling out, she's too skinny and she can't walk properly. And as for Trix? Her eyes are surrounded by dark bags, she's not eating and she's barely sleeping. It's extremely worrisome.

So as I sit on her couch with both her and kitten on me fast asleep I dare not to move a muscle. I'd been sitting still for five hours. The need to pee was growing and Trixies mom was meant to be getting home from work. I try and avoid Val at every cost but I don't want Trixie to wake up. Oh my God I hate this, it's a never-ending cycle.

Suddenly as if on cue Val walks in the door, noisily putting keys and bags down in the hallway before walking into the lounge room. As soon as she sees me she rolls her eyes and opens her mouth to speak but I cut her off.

"I got her to sleep so please be quite." I ask in a quiet whisper.

"No. Trixie get the fuck up." She says loudly before walking off to the kitchen and yelling back "It's just a fucking cat. Get over it."

I keep playing with Trixies hair as she wakes up with a groan. "What?" She mumbles scrunching her eyes shut tightly. I shush her, adjusting kitten, so I can carry them both at once up the stairs.

"Don't worry kukla. Just sleep." I whisper softly trying to stay calm so that she will as well. One of the things about mental illness is that even the smallest things get blown out of proportion and you're usually aware that it's not something to get worked up over but that makes things worse. And for a mentally stable person this usually isn't the easiest thing to deal with.

As soon as we were back in Trixies room I lay her down and tuck her into bed but she's wide awake, clutching Kitten close to her chest. "Katya I can't let her go. She's my little piece of you for when you're not here." She says staring at the wall. My heart shatters completely.

Then her tears start. "I don't want to lose you too." She sobs out making me rush over to her and give her the tightest hug possible. I want to tell her she won't but I can't. It wouldn't be true.

We lay like that until she complains about feeling gross so I take her to the shower with kitten curled up on the bathmat. Steam fills the room and thoughts fill my mind.

How much longer until I finally die