Dysphoria

Finding Out

So man let's just go through the phases of finding out things.

Finding Out Gay:

I learned what gay was in 7th grade after I met some people and I was like okay I like girls I guess I could run with that so I was that for about a week.

Finding Out Gender:

So this is a roller coaster that started in 7th grade as well. I didn't know anything and I had a lot of anxiety about every little thing. My friend came out as trans and I was like fuck I can't do that now he'll think I'm copying so I went with the next best option (note sarcasm) genderfluid (I'll get to this later). Yes for a month I pretended that was what I was then I was like fuck this I'm trans I can't stand being called she anymore. 

Trigger warning : suicide, self-harm

 I was a really really depressed kid. It's gotten better I did the seven cups online free therapy (not a promo but genuinely that helped me so much and I still use it sometimes so like please use that sight I can safely say it saved my life). When I was going through all of this I got really depressed I tried to kill myself three times. I swallowed three bottles of pills nothing happened literally nothing I think that was another force that wanted me to live that day (do not try that it will kill you I literally shouldn't be alive). I held a gun to my head loaded. That was the most mortal I've ever felt and it's a terrible feeling that at the time was the only one I felt comfort in (please if you're having these thoughts talk to me or anyone don't live with that) And I tried to cut my wrists. It also didn't work I just broke down crying I didn't have anyone to go to and that was it at the end of the day I had no one at all.

End of Trigger Warning: 

 I basically hated everything about myself. That was one of my lowest times in life.

Finding Out Dysphoria:

This sucks like imagine looking at yourself, especially if you're not trans, and taking all of the parts of you that make you look like a certain gender and just imagine hating it (i.e. cis girls, long hair, curves, breast tissue, down there (it will give major dysphoria if I type it), fat distribution. Cis guys, facial hair, short hair, no curves, body hair, dick). Imagine those things making you want to kill yourself or make you unable to leave your house because you're afraid of being called the wrong gender just take all of those things and wish you could change them but there's a hundred hurdles in the way making it damn near impossible to do it. That's what dysphoria feels like but worse. You have to deal with people who tell you you'll never be what you are or that you're faking and it's not even real. Cis people can only imagine so much of what it is like to deal with it which is fucking amazing. I'm really glad that a majority of people will never have to deal with this hellish way of living it's not even living anymore. 

Also if you haven't guessed I believe you must have dysphoria to be trans. It doesn't make sense otherwise. I'm not saying you have to suffer from crippling dysphoria but real trans people feel that they were not born in the right body and it doesn't make sense why some people don't believe this.

Love you, fuckimaguy