Dysphoria

Coming Out

I've never shared the full story I came out to my parents when I was 15, three years after I figured out I was trans. 

Backstory: 

Like I've said before they are very conservative and religious and I was really going into coming out just praying they didn't kick me out or send me to a conversion camp (not even a joke I was terrified).

Story:

We were all sitting on the couch. I was playing on my phone and they were watching the news or something. I had been harboring it for years and I felt like I had to come out. (Don't feel forced to please just take your time). I texted my sister (who is in college) that I was going to do it and I needed help coming out. She jokingly told me I'd always be her sister but I was so anxious I thought she was serious and went to the kitchen and hid behind the counter to cry. I was so fucking scared and if it went bad my friend told me I could bunk at his place until I found somewhere to go. I walked back into the den and I tried to clear my throat but I just ended up having a coughing attack. My dad asked if I had something to tell them and I turned off the TV and I tried to start talking it went something like "I need to tell you something and it's been years I'm-" and I couldn't finish the sentence. My dad started taking guesses as to what it was and he was really mad, "what you like girls, you like both, you want to be a boy" and I just had to nod because I didn't know what else to do. He just glared at me. He told me I'll never be a boy, he will never respect my pronouns or my name, even if I go on T and get surgery. He basically said "I see what you're saying I'm choosing to disrespect everything about it. It hurt, a lot. I looked at my mom and she just told me that god made me the way I am and I can't change it because god doesn't make mistakes. My relationship with them has not been repaired and I'm waiting for college so I can move out and start over I don't want to see them after college they have burned that bridge for me and they cannot repair that. It's not mend able what they said that I didn't put on here because it's too personal broke any form of relationship that was left. I'll always be their daughter to them and I'm choosing to not live with that anymore. They told me it is a phase but it's been almost 4 years and it's been over a decade since I first said I'm a boy. Nothing has changed except that I am no longer stupid I know what it means now I know why my chest makes me want to kill myself. 

I sometimes find it hard to wake up knowing I have to face them. They aren't good parents. But they put a roof over my head and give me food so for now I'll deal with it but I have two jobs to save up money so I can be financially independent and I don't have to have any connection with them after highschool. 

I wish I had a happier story telling this one made me cry a lot. It just hurts because the one thing parents should do is love their kids. And I hope people have them because you only hear the bad stories but two of my friends moms have offered me rooms a their houses if I ever need to get away for a bit and for that I am forever grateful I owe them more than I owe my parents because I'm not even their kid and they love me more than my parents ever did. 

This is a thank you letter to those parents. Those who support and help their kids through life without turning their backs on them the second that they start to behave a certain way or believe things that aren't easy to deal with. They do not get enough credit and if you have someone like that in your life please make sure you give them a big hug and tell them thank you because sometimes those people are the people that unintentionally save lives. They deserve more than anyone can give them because it isn't easy it isn't human nature to do that. Just tell them you love them and make sure you do because you will meet people that are not like that at all.

I was just at my best friends birthday party. His mom is the first adult that didn't hate me or think I was disgusting because I am trans. I would consider her a great parent. She unconditionally loves her kids and she basically one of my moms. My real parents I do not consider them as parents they've kicked me out before and yelled and then don't apologize I sometimes won't see them for weeks on end just texts about my chores and yelling at me for my grades being below a 90. 

If you have parents like mine come talk to me I can teach you a few things you need to know about how to avoid them but not make them notice. And I can be an older (or younger) brother that can just be there for you. The main point of this is that you are never going to be alone. If you feel like everyone is against you I'm here no matter what even if you find out you aren't trans I won't shun you or cast you out. I'll be here every single step of the way.