Enduring [EDITING SLOWLY].

Chapter 16

I tried opening my eyes. I couldn't. And something in my chest hurt. A lot. Heartbreaks cause physical pain. Why do they call it heartbreak? Isn't it all in the head? Doesn't the brain generate the emotions?
Because the heart doesn't actually break? Why is it called heartbreak when the heart doesn't break? I guess because you feel like your heart is actually breaking. If my heart actually broke, I'd be dead. And I'd be grateful; It would take time for the pain to end but I'll get over it. Eventually. I always do.

After opening my eyes, my first thought was Dan. Was he okay? Is he mad? Is he hurt? Of course he is. That's what I do to people around me. As dumb and silly this sounds, I knew something would happen. I'm going to quote TFIOS* here: "I'm a grenade and at some point I'm going to blow up and I would like to minimize the casualties."

I don't exactly do crushes. I kinda knew that in the end, it would be my heart in trash. I decided to risk it and break the walls with Dan. ­
It may sound dumb but I've hurt so many people. I've created a lot of problems and it's a great thing that I'm still living here. I'm only living right now because of y mother. I know she needs me and she's the cause for my existence. Oh, and Faye and Pauline. Otherwise I'd be dead long ago. I say that to Faye and she just calls it dumb. I know she doesn't mean it. It's just that she doesn't understand that I don't have a reason for living, I'd only be existing if it wasn't for her. There's a difference between living and existing. And after Dan, its like I almost lost it - the reason for living.
I knew a lot about depression - I'd read enough novels and watched enough movies to know that it took a lot of courage to cut oneself and I had to control the urge to do so. It was almost like a part of myself had died. I had to control the urge to hurt myself because I knew I had a family to take care of. Yes, this was how my family was. My father provided whatever was there now. He was rich not me so I had to find a part time job, earn and stand on my own legs. I was still on the process of finding myself a proper job.

I knew enough from experience that fantasies never came true. No one can ever live upto your expectations - so live with it. As cheesy as this sounds, cherish what you have before it becomes something you 'had'. So forgive me if I don't believe in love anymore. The first time I fell in love, it ended up in me sacrificing everything I had for him. I'm not doing that again. Ever. And the second time, the guy betrays me and now it has me thinking whether it's really worth it. I guess not. So what I'm going to do now is turn all my pain into determination and become a successful woman leading a successful life, being able to provide for my family.

Dear Diary,
Remember when I said I was fine with my best friends when they told me that my boyfriend Tony was cheating on me? I wasn't. I was pretending to be fine. Obviously. I do not want to make them feel that I can't handle things, is that crazy? I cried. Of course, I cried. Who wouldn't cry when they find out that they're not enough for the person they loved or thought they loved?
It hurts. A lot. I want to be strong in the face of trouble. I want to know that I'm enough for somebody. Yes, I know what Faye would say right now - she would ask me to look at the bright side of things and console me. She'll tell me that everything will be fine. But she'll also tell me to be strong and bit give my heart away completely. I have trust issues, if you didn't know that already.
And I wasn't okay in two days. No way. I cried the whole week and skipped two days of school. When I showed up after two days, I pretended that I was okay with everything that was going on when I wasn't. Social etiquette and stuff. Don't want to create a scene now, do I?
I'm a people pleaser, I completely agree. Yes. But I can be this aggressive person who doesn't give a shit, I'm just not. I don't know why. I'm a passive Taurean - that's what the net said, I think.
There are two sides to me if you must know. There's this one side which is total Abnegation (Divergent series, remember?) and there's this side which is Dauntless - the one which goes on adventures for the fun of it. It's an alternative to getting high. (Sherlock, get it? He solves crimes as an alternative to getting high?)
Have I ever mentioned that I make a bad drunk?
Vodka and Tequila - best drinks ever. But they give me bad hangovers.
Beer is bad. Hate it.

When was the last time I had fun? Prom? Graduation? I don't even remember. I'm going to have fun today.
And then leave happy tomorrow.