Enduring [EDITING SLOWLY].

Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Faye wasn’t my best friend. She couldn’t be called my best friend. She was like the second me. She was my sister. She understood me better than anyone else and could tell what was running on my mind anytime. Except now. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to end my pain and despair right this moment. Edwards had cheated me. Not cheated on me but cheated me. he had betrayed my trust. He chose me, used me and threw me away like I was a piece of trash. Again. This guy – whom I loved and will always love with all my heart, which he knew, had betrayed me. why? Because he needed money????

Money isn’t everything – I guess he already knew that. Then why? I’ve been wondering this all this time and I still cant find an answer. I cant stop thinking about why this guy who knows that I love him more than anybody else. More than my messed up family had chose to betray me. my worst fear was in front of me and I had no idea how to face it. I was lost. I didn’t have anybody I could talk to.  I was completely and utterly alone. In this world o 7 billion people, im alone. Am I the only one feeling this way? Of course not. But that doesn’t make me feel any better. It makes me feel worse that I couldn’t do anything for them. I may sound like a very fickle person here but I know, at least I thought I knew what I was doing. Who I was dealing with. I was mistaken again. Why does always happen to me? I cant ask god this because I accepted the happiness he gave me without question. I have to accept my sorrows. I have to face my fear. If this guy was going to play me, I was going to play him. I’m no less. I can be cruel if I want to. He toyed with my emotions, didn’t he? He’s going to get ruined. He tried to steal my best friend from me and tried to trap her. You know what hurt me the most? The fact that he never loved me even for a second. Of course, I can say that it’s his loss. It is his loss but in a way mine too, don’t you think? I lost my heart to this guy. As funny as it sounds, my mother never understood me emotionally. Except with my periods and stuff, she never understood me and I don’t blame her. I never talked to her. Is this the time to talk to her? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I don’t want to live anymore. I’m going to die. I’m going to die this very moment, I thought. I was ready. But if I died now, they’d find me easily. What do I do? Its day now. I can try in the night, when everyone’s sleeping. How can one kill themselves with the least pain? Nutmeg, sleeping pills? There are a lot of options. I can’t say I haven’t googled it before. But back then, mom needed me. now, she doesn’t. she may say that she loves me the most and needs me but her actions say otherwise and anyway Lily can take care of the family. She’s capable of it. She’s an independent woman, unlike me. They say that when you write your emotions, it makes you feel better so let me try that.  So I open my diary to a page. The last time I felt this way was a month ago. Not the suicidal part, the depression part. Depression, forgive me here, is a female dog.

It’s like Sirius in Azkaban. It’s the perfect metaphor, in this case, a simile. I totally get it. The dementors suck the souls out of the living. They don’t distinguish between the one they hunt and the one that gets in their way. they also prevent you from feeling happy. So I took out my pen and started writing :

Dear Diary,

It’s the 29th of November,2014. I’m feeling suicidal today. Again. The last time I felt suicidal was when Steven broke up/cheated on me. I have a problem. It’s called ‘Love’. It’s dangerous, I tell you. It’s eating away my soul. I read somewhere that the brain treats rejection as physical pain and that the process of breaking up is painful because the body is detoxicating. You see, when a person is in a relationship, they’re happy (I assume). So when a person is happy, the body produces endorphins and vice versa. Ted told me that by the way, he loves science. Wants to become an astrophysicist or a psychologist-cum-writer (no innuendo intended) or become a lawyer. He’s very confused, you see. He likes all of them equally. He’s my only male best friend. Should I talk to him?  His girlfriend did break up with him. She’s an idiot, no doubt. I knew that from the moment I saw her with him. I was shocked when I found out that they were together. I mean, she’s not even hot or pretty. But looking at her recent pictures, I have to say that she’s improved – look-wise. I don’t, rather, didn’t hate her before. But now I do. And my hate is justified. She hurt my best friend. She gets hurt. But is that right? Should I hurt her, not physically, but emotionally? Because I know for a fact that Ted will get hurt if I do that. He’s still not over her, you see. I keep telling him that there are plenty of other women in the world. He just won’t take it. It’s been 2 weeks. Nobody heals that fast. And I hope I’m helping him heal. We’ve been talking a lot for the past few days. So much that mom’s suspicious that there’s something going on between us. Lame, I know. But they are typical parental stereotypes. I hate these stereotypes. I’m deviating. Point is, that I’m hurt more than Ted is. If I tell him that I want to kill myself, he will stop me. Of course, he will. He cares for me. Way more than I deserve, if you ask me. I do feel like jumping off my terrace sometimes. Maybe I should try that. I hope I don’t have to live in this world anymore. Sure, being around people helps but not much. As soon as they’re gone, I wallow in self pity again. Apparently, Ted, Jimmy and I have that in common. Jimmy is Ted’s best friend and so in turn my best friend. He’s fine. Cool guy. But he likes Pauline and that gets Drake extremely angry. There was even a fight relating to that. Well, not exactly a physical fist-fight, that would’ve been fun to watch (Evil me, I know..:’D). Just a full-on verbal fight but that was only because Pauline made Drake promise that there’d be no fight – only verbal-fights. Jimmy’s face was worth seeing. He was terrified. It was hilarious to watch. “But in the end,  it doesn’t even matter! I tried so hard and got so far. In the end, it doesn’t even matter”- Linkin’ Park. Truer words haven’t been spoken. And another song I remember now is “All of me” by John Legend. Beautiful song. My favorite lines being, “My head’s under water but I’m breathing fine. You’re crazy and I’m outta my mind. ‘Cuz all of me loves all of you. Love your curves and all your edges.” - (The chorus). And I gave him all of me and he never bothered. Why should I bother? I still want to kill myself but a bit less. Hopefully, I can hold a while longer. Until graduation from university.

Thank you. This helped. Music helped too. I was playing it on the side. Eminem songs, basically. And Linkin’ Park. They’re awesome. That’s it, I guess. I matter, maybe not as much as Lily but I matter, nevertheless. And that’s nice. I’m awesome.

I’m listening to ‘Crazier’ now and it makes me feel better. After this, I’ll listen to System of a Down. They’re epic. And not to mention - Eminem. Rap God. God, he’s good! The rage and emotions in his song. Epic. I don’t have any idea why I’m writing this. But I am. I’m awesome – have I mentioned that before? I just don’t hear it enough.

 

 

 

Istopped writing to think about how my life had changed in the past few months. I had gone from having a crush on one guy to actually falling in love with a guy who turned out to be a cheat. I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive him or not. I just want to move on. Live happily. Time heals everything, right? What about what happened that night? When I was scarred and nobody helped me? I’ll give time some time. I’m just so pissed right now. I mean, come on. How much time does time need? Or does this just become a part of life? Will it be alright again? Will I just get up one day and feel normal?

I can’t forget it, I know that much. I have to move on. I can be this closed person or an open person who tells everyone everything. Or I can become this total tomboy who everyone hates or is scared of. I can be dangerous.

“You and dangerous? Please! You’re too nice. You can’t be dangerous.” He said.

“Of course, I can. I can if I want to. I can totally be dangerous!” I said.

“Yeah, right. You’re about as dangerous as a fluffy bunny.” He said. I started throwing pillows at him and chasing him around.

It makes me laugh now. So silly. But one thing that stuck in my mind was that I was ‘too nice’. I don’t want to be ‘nice’. I want to be ‘different’ and ‘dangerous’ and ‘exciting’ and ‘fun’. I want to be a different person. I want to be ‘tough’ too. I don’t want to be some person somebody comes to because they’re bored. I’m not a toy. I’m a person.

I don’t get why I let people do this to me. I don’t get why I let people break my heart. I mean, why? Just why? Why can’t I lead my life by not giving a care?

Honestly. Did I lead him on? Did I misunderstand him? Did I do something wrong? What did I do wrong?

I looked myself in the mirror. He loved my hair. I hate my hair. I took the scissors and almost cut it off. I wanted no remainder of this situation. But, why? I love my hair. I love myself. I'm not goingto change anything for somebosy else. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Next time he sees me, he won’t be able to find the old me anymore. He should know what he did to me. I know this seems cruel. But I’m not ‘nice’ anymore. I’m the sarcastic, dangerous, exciting, fun, adventurous, living in the moment kind of girl now. Nobody will find the old me anymore. Because I, sweetie, have changed. I’m not who I was before. I have changed. I’m ready for the world, now. I hope the world is ready for me.