Beside You *Muke*

Chapter 36

Trigger warning: Self harm scene.

The house was a eerie quiet; Michael was out and his mother was busy making me breakfast downstairs. Michael was coaxed into going to the store for groceries by his mother with a short pleading look and I had feigned sleep in order not to come with and Michael seemed to buy it. I get up from his bed with a numb body and racing thoughts. All night last night, all I could think about was my razor. My wrists burned and I grit my teeth, hoping to keep the tears at bay as I break apart another one of Karen's razors. My wrists begged for the cool metal to hit my clammy skin and seconds later, it had.

I try not to cut deep but with my racing thoughts, it doesn't work very well. I had cut deeper than I previously had but all I was focused on now was the way my blood dripped onto the tile. I was mesmorized by it now; the deep scarlet against stark white tile. I was relieved the way the razor had manged to ease my mind. The fact that Cher knew about my father, the fact that my mother was back in my life. Everything just seemed to be going downhill but the moment I had my razor in my hand, everything seemed to melt away.

"Lukey, I'm back!"

When I don't come out of the bathroom to greet him, he knocks on the door and I press my back into it, sniffling. "I'm sorry, Mikey," I whisper and for a moment, I'm convinced he hadn't heard me.

"Luke..." Michael murmurs, sounding worried.

"I-I'll just clean it up and be out in a minute," I reply quietly. Black dots has begun to pepper across my vision and I grab onto the sink for stability. I give up on trying to clean the mess and instead open the door, finding Michael worriedly standing in front of it. "Mikey, I don't feel so good," I whisper and watch as his eyes widen at my profusely bleeding wrist.

My knees give out and I come crashing to the floor, the darkness finally taking over. The last thing I hear before artificial sleep is Michael calling for his mother.

***

I wake up to noisey sniffling and thunderous sobs. I crack my eyes open slightly and find Michael sitting on the living room couch with me, eyes and nose red; a complete wreck. "Michael? Please don't cry, baby," I whisper, words slow.

"You're awake. Oh god, you're okay. You have no idea how worried I was about you, Lukey. W-Why'd you do it?"

"Things with mom... Dad... Cher..." My eyelids had begun to droop again and I yawn slightly. "I'm really tired, Mikey. Can I got back to sleep now?"

Michael nods his head, brushing his tears away and pulls me closer against him. "Sleep tight, beautiful and we'll talk more when you wake up, okay?" I nod my head, squeezing his hand lightly before shutting my eyes and falling asleep.

Michael's Point of View

My mother puts the first aid kit away with a solem look across her face and another sob leaves my lips. "Has he woken up yet?" She asks quietly and I nod my head slowly.

"Once. He sounded really tired so I let him sleep," Silence blankets over us, filling in the words left unsaid. Luke was still struggling even when he looked completely fine on the outside. "I thought I was fixing him, mom," I whisper, lip trembling and more tears spilling down my cheeks. 

"You can't fix everyone, Michael," She says quietly, pulling me into a hug and smoothing down my hair. "Recovering from self harm isn't an easy process. I've seen worse cases than Luke and as long as those people have their family and friends around, they turn out okay." I wipe my tears away yet my mother continues. "You cut deeper than him, Michael. I wasn't able to stitch you up on my own. That's why I took you to the hospital. Luke's cuts were deep but I was still able to stitch them without a hospital visit. Luke wouldn't last it ten minutes in that ward like you had," 

"Thank you, mom," I whisper, hugging her tighter. "Thank you for everything that you've done. For helping Luke. For helping me. For helping us. For not letting dad ruin mine and Luke's relationship. For... everything," My mother's smile is a small one yet it satisfies me that it's there. "What do I say to him when he wakes up again? When it's time to talk?" 

"Speak from your heart, not your head," She tells me and moments later, Luke begins to stir from the couch.

I come back to his side and as soon as his bright blue eyes open back up, open for view, a smile lightly. "How're you feeling, princess?" I ask, squeezing his hand lightly. 

"Okay," He replies quietly. "I'm sorry I scared you. Both of you. It's just... everything with my mom and my dad, it was swarming me. Like bee stings, intoxicating my conscious and I couldn't take it. I stayed clean for you, Mikey, because I love you and please don't blame yourself for this. We both knew I would break again sometime. I just... I love you so much and I'm going to try and stay away from my razor for good this time. I-I want to flush them, flush my blades back at my mom's because at the time when I was packing my bags for her place, I had thought to bring them. I want to have a fresh start and with you, Michael, I feel like I can have one," 

I feel more tears prick in my eyes and I pull him into a hug. "You're my whole world, sugar and without you, I wouldn't want to live in it. Without seeing your bright eyed smile, your glorious laugh, your breathy voice, the way you turn your feet in slightly when you're nervous. The way you show off the love bites I give you so proudly; without any of that, I wouldn't see a point in being here.

I love you so fucking much, Luke. So much sometimes that I don't even think anyone even realizes. I had in fact noticed you for the whole time that you came and saw me perform and I was honestly just too nervous to make a move. I often thought wow, this boy would never go for me. Why in the hell would he even want to watch? I'm not even a good singer. and yet, every single day, you came to watch me on your break. I loved the way your eyes sparkled whenever I sang a song you liked or the way you laughed lightly on the rare occasion that I stumbled over my words or forgot a verse.

I just... I loved you from the very beginning and at first it was hard to admit because of how my father acts toward gays. I tried convincing myself that I wasn't. That I didn't love you, the blonde boy with a glorious smile and that's why I told you you couldn't watch me that night. I figured if I hurt you enough, you'd leave me alone and never want anything to do with me ever again but as it turns out, I only made it worse and I almost lost you. I'm so sorry for that and I'm so happy that you gave me a second chance. I will never abuse that chance and I'm really hope to be with you forever."

A small choked sob leaves Luke's lips and he hugs me tightly, careful not to bump his cuts. "I don't really think I can measure up to your speech because, god, Michael Clifford, you're an angel. You may not seem like it sometimes," I chuckle, causing him to smile and he continues. "but that's what I like about you. I like how you're not afraid to be yourself. I like how you play the guitar at the fountain every day and don't even care about the money that people throw into your case, rather how you got the pure bliss of preforming in front of others. I love the way you constantly dye your hair yet I'm hoping you keep it lavander because that's by far my favorite. I love the slight rasp in your voice when you sing songs from certain bands or artists. I just.. I love you and I'm stupid for doing what I had because I almost lost you, Michael and that's my biggest fear; losing you. I never want to lose you and so I'm going to make it my mission not to,"

He then seals his words with a kiss and I cup Luke's face in my hands.The two of us forgot about the bandage around his thin wrist, forgot about the blood staining the bathroom tiles, about the thousands of tears I had shed for my boyfriend. Instead we remembered all the "I love you"s we've shared and the cheesy smiles and laughs and that made up from everything else. 

So that was that. Hopefully you guys liked it AND I SHOULD PROBABLY MENTION THAT THE NEXT CHAPTER IS THE LAST CHAPTER. I'M SCREAMING OMG I ALREADY HAVE PLANNED WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN BUT I DON'T WANT THIS STORY TO BE OVER BECAUSE I LOVE IT SO MUCH. 

-Shianne xx