In Between Stitches

kabanata ▫️▪ 01

01

e l o i s e

°

"I can't hold breathe if I'm there, maghanap kayo ng bagong doktor!" sigaw ko sa kabilang linya. I close my eyes and lay my arms on the headboard.

"Please, Chief, sana pakinggan niyo naman ako ngayon," dugtong kong sabi sa aming chief physician na si Dr. Marielle Hosia.

"I already received your letter of notice," humihinga ito ng malalim at binabagsak ang mga folders sa desk. "So you're bidding your good bye? Mag-re-resign ka ba talaga? Kaya mong talikuran ang lahat ng pinaghirapan mo? Iiwan mo kami rito sa Mankind Medicare at saan ka naman pupunta? Iiyak ulit? Magpapakamatay?"

Hindi ako nakasagot. Tumahimik at pigil-hiningang napatingala sa ceiling.

I've been rescuing and saving people all my life. But not after I lose my Mama -- I had to run away from the burden of my profession, from the grief of knowing I killed my mother and from a God who didn't hear me asking for a miracle. The longer I stay in the hospital, the more pain I receive from hearing cries and losing lives.

"I can't afford losing another life, Chief. I killed my Mama, I killed her!" ibinaon ko ang aking mukha sa unan at umiyak ng pagak.

"'Wag mong sisihin ang sarili mo sa nangyari, Dr. Pachec--"

"No, nandoon ako sa tabi niya, anong nagawa ko? Wala! Umiyak lang ako, natulala at hinayaan siyang lumaban ng mag-isa!" I shout to our chief physician with rage and regret.

Pinalaki akong matapang at may takot sa Diyos. Pero hindi ako naging matapang para kay Mama. And for the God, I don't want to trust anymore.

"Look at me now, Papa. Ito ba ang gusto mong makita sa akin?" I look to my Papa's frame and talk to him like he's a living person.

Madalas kong kasama si Papa dahil gustong-gusto ko na palaging nakikita siyang may hawak na medical kit. He's a paramedic and I consider him as a real-life superhero. Almost a day siyang wala sa bahay, at madalas gabi ang uwi dahil sa dami ng inaasikaso.

"Dr. Pacheco, we need primary care physician at 'pag umalis ka, alam mo na ang mangyayari," she explains.

"Hindi ko alam kung ano na ang maging takbo ng buhay ko. After the death of Mama, everything went strange. Alam kong 'pag umalis ako, madalas magkakaproblema sa ER kagaya ng excessive boarding, pero sana pagbigyan niyo naman ako. I need time for my self," humiga ako at napatingin sa litrato ni Mama.

Hindi nagkakalayo ang hugis ng mukha namin, pati ang kurba ng kanyang mata at kilay ay minana ko. I am actually the carbon copy of my mother's face and physique.

"No, we need you. Sayang lahat ng pinag-aralan mo kung titigil ka. Hindi ba gusto mong tumulong kagaya ng Papa mo?" napatulo ang luha ko dahil sa aking mga narinig.

"I don't want my profession to end as well as my earnest desire to help people. I'm in distress now and I need to deal with this. I'm sorry, I can't make it anymore." I wipe the tears on my cheeks.

I don't want to die lonely. Two funerals in a decade is enough. Wala sa isip ko ang magpakamatay, sundan ang yapak ni Mama o umatras sa hamon ng buhay. All I need today is a life away from the sounds of siren or calls from the ER.

"If there's anything you want to happen, you can tell me now. Pagkatapos nito, magiging maayos ang lahat," she speak quickly at narinig ko na may tumawag sa kanya.

"Gusto kong magpahinga hanggang kailan kong gustong bumali-"

"No, masyadong matag--"

"I have talked to you of running away once before. Aayusin ko lahat, babalik akong ayos."