s i m u l a
e l o i s e
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After I finished my degree, I started making a change for myself. I promised that everything would be thoroughly planned and settled at what my Papa left for us.
"Ma, ready na ang almusal natin," I shout while I am walking by the stairs.
It's been three years simula nang mawala si Papa. Masakit man isipin na matapos niyang lisanin ang mundo, masasabi kong... bahagyang tumagilid ang buhay namin. A house without a framework won't last stronger and longer, unless if there's someone who's ready to stand by it and emplace for what's missing.
"Ma?" I stand in front of her room and knock on the door once.
I could still remember how Papa laid his back when I call for a piggyback ride. Every morning, I used to lay my head on his broad shoulders and wrap my arms around his neck. Then, kiss him from cheeks to cheeks, pinch his nose and swirl his thick brown hairs.
"Ma, I know you can hear me," she may notice that I'm trying to sound as sweet as a lullaby.
I received nothing from her. Alam kong kanina pa siya gising. It might be she's acting like she's still asleep or she's crying again?
"I know you are awake, Ma. Do you want me to use the spare key?" nag-aalala kong sabi habang kumakatok sa pinto.
The last time I saw my Mama's most pleasant smile, it was when she celebrated her 44th birthday - one year before nang mamatay si Papa. She was very happy that day, especially when she received a flower from Papa. She would then jump on him and encircle her arms around his neck. They kissed together and I enjoyed seeing them; I felt like I'm watching the most romantic film back then.
"Or do you want me to bring the food inside?" I ask, yet nothing appears to be different.
Hindi na bago sa akin ito: ang pagkatok sa pinto para yayain si Mama ng almusal at ang mag-alala baka umiiyak siya dahil kay Papa. The cycle repeats especially when it's the early part of the day.
"Do you want me to bring your coffee, Mama?" My shoulder shrugs and leans. I'll just wait for some moment --- until she's ready to go outside.
Umupo ako sa tapat ng pintuan ng kanyang kwarto, sumandal at lumanghap ng hangin. Nandito lang ako para hintayin ka Mama. Kahit gaano katagal basta makita lang kita, buo na ang araw ko.
"Siguro magkatabi kayo ni Papa ngayon, no?" pagbibiro ko habang tinitingnan ang kisame.
"Kaya 'di ka bumababa?" dagdag ko pa.
Kahit binabanatan ko siya ng aking mga biro, hindi niya nagawang sagutin ako. Mama would always react to my funny jokes. She loved hearing my laugh that occupies her bedroom. She loved everything I did just to make her happy.
"Siguro masaya kayo ngayon, magkatabi kayo at magkayakap. Tama ba ako, Mama?" I smile after --- wishing that everything I said was all true.
Naalala ko noong bata pa ako. Madalas akong nagtatago sa pagitan nilang dalawa dahil natatakot ako sa dilim lalo na kapag umuulan at kumikidlat. Masasabi kong nawawala ang takot ko kasi magkatabi kaming tatlo.
"Ma, naririnig mo pa ba ako?"
Hindi pa rin nawawala ang mga ngiti sa aking mukha. My reminiscences about Papa were serene unlike Mama, she would say that all were painful to hear.
"I'm going inside," mahina kong sabi.
Tumayo ako at kinuha sa bulsa ang susi. I push the key inside by which the bolt of the lock turns.
Pagbukas ko ng pinto, bumungad kaagad ang basag ng salamin. Maingat ang bawat paghakbang at kinakabahan habang ako'y papalapit sa kama ni Mama.
"Ma, are you okay?" I ask her. Nanginginig ang aking boses at halatang kinakabahan.
Marahan kong inangat ang kumot na bumabalot sa kanya. My fingers run through the blanket and my eyes are trembling. Little did I know, after I withdrew the blanket, I see nothing but a fetal human-puzzled pillows.
"Papa, please help me!" sigaw ko.
Lumuhod ako at sinilip ang ilalim ng kama, wala siya. Sinubukan kong buksan lahat ng cabinet, wala siya. Binuksan ko ang cr at hinanap siya sa loob, nothing appears. Isa na lang ang hindi ko pa nasisilip.
"Ma, if ever you hear me, please come back!"
Tumakbo ako sumigaw sa harap ng bintana. As I stand by the window, I feel the air swiping my tears. Niyakap ko ang aking sarili at hinayaang tumulo lahat ng luha ko.
"I know you're still here, please come back, Mama," I make a plea through the air. Sana naririnig niya ako.
Dinudurog ang puso ko sa tuwing sinasambit ko ang katagang Mama. I feel desolated and abandoned. Hindi ko kayang mag-isa. Mamamatay ako sa lungkot at pangungulila.
"Anak, nandito ako."
My world stops, and this is not going to be a tragic story. Nang matauhan ako, doon ko lamang napansin si Mama. Nakahiga at naghihimugto.
"Mama, 'wag mo akong iwan!"
Muling umagos ang luha ko at hindi ko alam kung ano ang una kong gagawin. Tatalon ba ako mula rito? Sisigaw? Hihingi ng tulong? Dadasal?
She leaped off the window.
Tiningnan ko siya. Nakita ko kung paano dumaloy ang dugo mula sa kanyang ulo. I need to do something, I need to save my Mama.
Copyright © Claw Marks
A l l R i g h t s R e s e r v e d
BINABASA MO ANG
In Between Stitches
Fiction généraleEloise Chrynz Pacheco works as a primary care physician. She has a mountain to climb after the death of her mother. Eager to put an end in her mourn and loss, she disembarks from Mankind Medicare and spends her vacation in Alta Tierra. While trying...
