The Knife Thrower

Chapter 13

I glance at my watch again. 2:00pm. So where are they? People stream past me, eager to get home. A group of year nine girls walk towards the town, giggling and pulling their tiny school skirts up even higher. A lone year eleven boy stalks of on his own, glaring at the little girl who bounces along beside him. Probably his sister. Middle-aged women push around prams and gossip to one another about the latest scandal. Primary students run around screeching, chasing one another like they have an everlasting supply of energy. A year ten couple hide behind a lone tree, making out like there is no tomorow. And still I don't see them.

I sigh and continue to watch the chaos around me. I can see Tom across the grass trying to control his three little brothers, the triplets. They are all identical and naughtier than the last. They are in grade four and nicknamed 'The Three Little Devils' by their poor teacher. It's fun to watch though.

Finally I see Izzy and Jay making their way towards me through the crowd. Izzy gives me a little wave with her free hand, the other holding tightly onto Jay's wrist.

"What took you guys so long? Is everything okay?" I ask, concerned, when they reach me.

"I'm sorry sis, it was my fault. We had been colouring worksheets in today with crayons and I stayed behind to help pack them away. Don't be mad at Izzy, she just came to find me." He says softly, big innocent eyes staring into mine. My heart melts and I pull him into a hug.

"That's okay, I was just worried. That was very nice of you to stay behind and help Mrs Owens." I give his hand a squeeze and we start walking home. Jay chatters on the whole time about his day, every little detail, buts it's good. I like it when he tells me about his day. As we wait for the bus to come one of Jay's friends appears. Jay runs off to go talk to him. The moment he is gone Izzy turns her watchful eye on me.

"I heard a year twelve climbed out of a three story window earlier this day. Yes, it's been the talk of the school." She starts evenly. I decide to play along with her.

"Oh? Well that's very interesting. Do they know who this year tweleve was?" I put an innocent expression on my face and bat my eyelids at her.

"Mm, she was wearing all black clothes. Apparently she just lept out the window and slid down the drainpipe. I wonder why?"

"Maybe she didn't care much for Philosophy and realised there were more important things to occupy her time." I laugh but she just stares stonely at me.

"What were you thinking? You are going to be in so much trouble! At lunch time, I saw a good third of the year ones to sixes pretending they were you. They all look up at you as some sort of hero now!" I stare at her puzzled.

"So? Why is that my problem? Maybe this will teach them to stand up for what they believe is right." She gives an exasperated sigh and I know I'm in for a lecture. Great.

But instead she says something else. "Why did you go? I am hoping it's not for the above reason."

"I got my past back. I remember everything now. Well, a lot. Some things are still coming back to me." She stares at the ground and lift her chin up with my hand. I wait till she looks me in the eyes. This is not all about my recklessness.

"You just left. I didn't know if you were okay or not. I didn't know we're you were going or..." She says in barely a whisper. I pull her into my arms and stroke her curly blonde hair. She is so mature for her age, so much stronger than I was in year six. One day she is going to make a great mother.

"Shh, shh. I'm sorry for just leaving like that. I didn't think about it would affect you or Jay. But I'm fine. I can defend myself you know." But I'm smiling, showing her I know and care and she doesn't have to worry about me.

"Your right," she sighs and reluctantly pulls away, watching Jay once again, "I was just overreacting. You are the cleverest and most dangerous person I know."

"Um, thank you?"

I hear the bus coming around the corner and call Jay to come back. Together we get inside and ride home. The landscape passes in a blur of orange sand and grey buildings. I focous on my memories, willing them to return. Images and emotions come past but nothing useful or interesting. I see Izzy running around with me as a toddler; I see myself in third grade making a paper-mâché hot air ballon. But I also feel immense happiness and pride when Izzy is born; confusion when mother stops coming home every afternoon to be with us and again that searing pain in my eyes during the operation. I wonder when I will have all my memories back? For good.

*****

Once back inside the house I fill a metal tub with water that is heating on the stove. I pull out a clean pair of black pants and a loose black top, slightly to large. I ease myself into the tub, flinching at the hot water. I let the hot water wash over me and my sore muscles relaxe. Oh, what beautiful hot water. I use a piece of cloth and an old cake of soap to wash my body and then scrub my hair. I submerge myself into the water fully, loving the relief it gives. I reluctantly rise to the surface, knowing if I don't now I won't later.

I dry my hair as best as I can with my cloth and leave the rest to dry in the warm wind. I tie a belt around my pants and slip on five knives. I pull my shirt over my pants to cover the belt and slip another knife into my boot. I hope I don't need to use them but rather be safe then sorry.

Jay and Izzy are already eating dinner of last nights soup and a tin of baked beans. I can't stand for the beans so I just eat a bowl of soup. The atmosphere is quite and I know that they are thinking of me going out tonight. Jay stares glumly into his soup and Izzy fidgets with the hem of her shirt. I put down my spoon.

"Firstly," I wait till they both look at me before I continue on, "I want you guys to understand that nothing is going to happen to me. I am just going because I have to and no one other than our grade and teachers know. This is just a precaution, a backup plan. Secondly, neither of you should leave the house what-so-ever. I'll be back in three hours and you will both be asleep, ready to see me in the morning. And thirdly, I love you guys. Remember that and don't forget it. I will never let anyone or anything hurt you. They will have to go through me first." I am rewarded by a weak laugh from Izzy but Jay looks like he is going to cry.

He gets up and walks over to me. He blinks back his tears and gives me a brave smile. My heart twists at the sight of his face, a dull ache pounding against my chest.

"I believe in you Kyra. If anyone can protect us you can. I love you." His voice brakes on the last words and the silent tears slip down his cheeks. I gently wipe away away his tears and cup his chin in my hand. I look into his eyes for a long time, unsaid words passing between us. I bend down and kiss his forhead.

"I'll see you tomorrow." I say softly and he nods his head. He walks over to Izzy and takes her hand. She gives it a squeeze and comes over to me. I embrace her into a hug, taking in her sweet smell of flowers and her soft fair hair.

"I love you." she whispers into my ear.

"Take care of Jay for me until I get back, you have always been the better mother in this house." She pulls away and walks back next to Jay, holding his hand again. My heart brakes to leave them but I have no choice.

I walk towards the door and open it quietly, aware it is almost curfew. I trudge halfway down the overgrown back path before I look back. They stand at the door watching me go. I know I'll be back tomorrow, that I will see them again soon. But it feels like I'm saying goodbye to them for the last time.