The Pain Of Beauty

Painful Beginnings

TW: TRANSPHOBIA, SLUR, CHILD ABUSE

Alex Fierro was seven when he found a box in the attic full of his half-sisters' old clothes. He was mesmerized by all the colors- orange, blue, lilac, silver- but his favorite was pink. He told his papa once that he liked pink, but that just made Papa very angry. He told him Alex was a boy and boys don't wear pink. Alex thought that was a stupid rule.

Why can't boys like it? Pink's a color just like blue and boys love blue- well, most boys that weren't me.
He wondered.

That's what he told his papa. He didn't get to go to school for the next three days it took for his bruises to heal.

Now staring at the pretty skirts and blouses and dresses in front of him, Alex couldn't help but think about how nice they'd look on him. He'd just try it on and put everything back before anyone saw. Easy. He wouldn't get in trouble if nobody knew, right? Nothing wrong with trying clothes on.

He tried on a purple shirt first. It had cutouts on the shoulders and pretty ruffles over the chest. He liked it, but he didn't like the color. After trying on a few other shirts of various colors and styles, Alex found the perfect one. It was a bright shade of green (one of his favorite colors, the other being pink) with little sparkles in it. Alex loved sparkles. The shirt had a strap instead of a sleeve on the right side. The left sleeve made Alex giggle- it flared out and the side was attached to the shirt, making it look like a bird wing. All in all, Alex loved it.

Next up, he needed a skirt to match. Alex felt bad for thinking it, but his sisters truly had awful taste. All their skirts were plaid or boring colors. Some of them were both! After what felt like forever, the young child saw pink fabric at the bottom of the box. He pulled it out and found that it was a beautiful tutu. He immediately fell in love with it. He had never seen anything prettier.

He slipped it on over his baggy jeans Papa insisted he wear. He wanted to cry. He looked beautiful. He twirled and posed in front of an antique mirror he found in the corner of the room. He felt like the beautiful princess he sometimes felt like ( sometimes he felt like the knight). He spent what he thought was hours admiring his reflection.

He didn't even notice when Rosa, his older sister, walked up.

She stood behind him and covered her mouth, eyes wide in shock. Alex didn't know what to do. He wasn't sorry for what he did, nor was he ashamed, but he knew what he did was wrong for the wrong reasons.

"Rosa! Don't I look pretty?" Was all he could think to say. Maybe if he acted like it was okay, she would too.

"Freak!" She yelled at him.    " You're a boy! Act like it! You don't belong here! You're absolutely sick!" It was at this moment that she let out a blood curdling scream. Alex had to grab his ears and kneel down.

"Rosa?! What's wro-" Alex's stepmother was cut short when she saw the young boy on the ground, in a skirt. "You disgusting child! Get those clothes off right this second!" When Alex didn't answer, she walked up and slapped him. "Did you hear me, f*g?!"

That one word broke Alex. He had heard that word on television recently. A man was beat up and called that word because he held hands with another man. Alex knew that word was wrong. He also knew there was nothing wrong with loving another man and that he might love a man someday who loves him too. He knew that what his stepmother just said was not kind to him and that it was not okay for her to call him that.

He wasn't sure what happened after she said that word. He remembered his father coming in at some point. He remembered the mark on his stepmother where Alex bit her. He also remembered not waking up until the next day, his whole body in pain with fresh bruises freckled all over his body. He also remembers the beautiful outfit that made him feel like a princess being torn off him and ripped to tiny, impossible bits.