The Pain Of Beauty

Pretty in Pink

TW: TRANSPHOBIA

Alex was fourteen the last time she wore a skirt to school. Well, not technically to school, but she wore it on school grounds.

After much research at the library over the past few years, Alex had come to the conclusion that she was transgender and gender fluid. Sometimes she felt like a he and other times she felt like a she. When she was a girl, she didn't like her body. She felt wrong, gross. Sometimes the dysphoria (another library word) felt unbearable, like she couldn't live like that.

Today was one of those days.

Alex showed up to school earlier than usual. She couldn't wait to get there. She ran straight to the boys restroom and put her new skirt over her jeans and then removed the jeans. She just bought the skirt at a thrift store. It was a lovely shade of mauve, fell just above her knees, and it went beautifully with the light green tank-top she was wearing.

She quickly combed out her hair with her fingers until it was styled just messy enough to look natural. Well, as natural as shoulder length green hair could look on a teenage boy. She applied a barely noticeable amount of eyeliner and mascara- just enough to make her mismatched eyes pop.

She ran out of the restroom just in time to see two boys walk in. She recognized them as Aaron and Julian-the school's narrow-minded bullies. She rounded the corner and hid until she heard the bathroom door slam shut.

Alex was proud of herself for getting through the day with only one altercation. But she didn't fight back. She never fought back. It just made Aaron and Julian angrier when she fought back.

She was at her pottery class early. The only other people in there were her mentor, Ms. Calvin, and her friend Hana.

"Are you going to homecoming, Lexi?" Hana asked. She always called her friend Lexi when she was female.

"Probably not." Alex said glumly.

"Why not? You have to go. It'll be so much fun!"

"Two words, Hana: my father. He'd force me into a suit when I wanna wear a dress. He'd make me take some rich girl whose parents buy his products when I wanna go with a boy I actually like. He'd expect me to always be a little gentleman after this when I wanna be a lady most of the time." She looked down at her sculpture she was painting. It had two faces side by side. Abuelo taught her how to make them years ago and now they were her favorite thing to make.

"Oh." Hana looked down, sorrow written clear across her face. "I mean, I know some ways we could beat the system. The cis-tem, too."
The two girls laughed at her joke, momentarily forgetting the issue at hand.

"What'cha got Han?"

"Well, you know how you dress masculine to go to school and sometimes change once you get there?" Alex nodded her head knowing where this was going. "Well, wear something masculine, like a suit or something, and we'll store your dress at school so you can change there."

" That's a great idea, Han, but what about the other problems?"

"I'd get there if you'd quit interrupting." She looked exasperated at the younger girl, but Alex knew she was kidding. "I can pose as your date in front of your dad. I'll come up with some story about your romantic prom-posal and how you confessed your undying love for me." She gasped and put her hand to her heart.

"Yes. Absolutely believable." Alex rolled her eyes. "I wonder how Meghan would feel about that plan?" she said with a smirk. Meghan was Hana's girlfriend.

"I would tell her first, of course. Duh." Hana grabbed Alex's hands from across the table. "Please, Lexi? It'll be so much fun! You can go shopping with me and Meg for dresses. Please?"

Alex sighed and looked at Hana. She knew this wasn't a good idea. Terrible, in fact. She knew her father would somehow find out and that would be the end of everything. But she couldn't stand the thought of disappointing Hana or missing her first high school dance.

"I know I'm gonna regret saying this, but when are you guys going shopping?"

Hana shrieked and jumped out of her chair to hug her friend. "After class!"

After 5 different stores and 17 different dresses, Alex found one that made her feel beautiful. It was a pale pink dress with a sweetheart neckline and a flowy skirt that touched the floor. It had a green sash around her hips and matching flecks of sparkly dust in the skirt. She absolutely loved it.

In her excited state, Alex forgot to change before she went home. Her father was the angriest she'd ever seen him. She was used to the bruises, but she was not used to the blood. She ran away that night.

Alex Fierro never got to wear the dress that made her feel beautiful.