The Titan Code

15. Balancing the Scales

Conflicted thoughts and feelings lie heavy in the air. I can see why Hermes has told us this: lives are at stake, and we need to do our bit properly or else Hermes is at risk, too. There is literally only him fighting our corner, no other God is willing or able, so if we can't keep our heads down and solve this we're endagering ourselves and anyone else with this gift.

"I'm... I'm gonna make a cup of tea, does anyone want one?"

In times of crisis the only way I know how to act is by making tea. I head to the kitchen and stare distractedly into the steam rising off the kettle but suddenly become aware of someone behind me.

"Hi," I say softly.

Alex is stood in the doorway, eyes cast downwards, avoiding my gaze.

"I was going to ask for a coffee," he mumbles quietly.

"Oh, of course. Alex?"

He looks up at me reluctantly with those dark eyes and I can see how taut his face is. It doesn't suit him.

"I'm really sorry for snapping at you earlier. I've been struggling with all this and I just did a stupid, thoughtless thing. It's not an excuse, of course, but I didn't mean to offend you."

He regards me seriously for a moment.

"It is an excuse, Ella," he says flatly. His voice is cold, unflinching. "Everything that comes out of your mouth is an excuse, like you're the only person in the world to deal with crap. You need to realise that for every single thing you say or do there is a consequence, and they can't always be undone. Think before you act or you'll leave nothing but disaster in your wake."

He leaves and I feel like I've been shot. I didn't realise I'd be holding my breath but as I try to inhale I can't breathe.

My eyes prick, my throat is constricting, my chest is starting to heave rapidly. Oh no, please no, don't cry, Ella, don't cry!

But I do. I make an ugly gasping sound as my body shakes. I clamp my mouth shut amd try to hold it in, control it, but it makes my chest convulse harder and pitiful sobs escape regardless.

The tears spill hotter than fire over my cheeks as my own weakness and insecurities pour out at once. Everything he said is right. I'm selfish and I think I'm allowed to say what I want and apologise later, I don't have any self-control.

I feel wounded and raw but my eyes stop crying eventually so I can breathe a little easier. I probably look puffy and red but I don't care, I can't undo my bad choices so all I can do is try to make amends.

Hermes' eternally unfazed face wrinkles slightly as I re-enter with smudged eyeliner and red blotches on my face. Avoiding eye contact I hand out the drinks and take my seat. Alex's elbows are propped on his knees but his arms hang forward limply, and he's staring blankly ahead as if he's in shock.

Despite giving me a telling off I feel a pang of sympathy for him which irks me somewhat.

"Is everything okay here?" Hermes asks strangely glancing between us.

"Yes, no problems here," comes my terse reply. He fixes me with a stare for a moment and again I wonder if he can read my mind but he shrugs.

"We don't need to keep going to the riverside anymore," I tell him, "are you okay to send us to somewhere else? And... maybe not every night. It's a little hard living a life."

"Is that okay with you, Alex?"

"Yeah, that's fine," he mumbles without raising his head.

"Well, if that's it for now I'd best move on," Hermes says, standing up and smoothing out his unwrinkled clothes. He shakes Alex's hand who is still seated and heads to the door.