Ok so i know i havnt done one of these since june 1st. Ive been tryin my best to find a time to do one but i havnt had time.
I had to end things with lydia. Her parents didnt want her dating anybody because they think shes to young for dating.
I think lexee likes me again and i stilk really like her too. I know we ended things for reasons because of her but i dont want to talk about that. I think everybody deserves atleast another chance. They should get a chance to fix the things that they broke.
She has a boyfriend but im willing to wait. I really dont want to ruin things between her and her boyfriend so i am willing to wait for lexee, plus it gives me a chance of staying single.
Im happy though because remember like a few parts ago when i said lexee hates me, yea she doesnt hate me anymore. Ok so 4 days ago it was Wednesday and lexee randomly texted me. These were her exact words. "Are you going to the pool tomarrow?" I told her i was and she said "Great because i need someone to hang out with" i said cool and then i went to the pool the next day and literally me and lexee hung out the whole day. Something funny was that she tried her best to be right beside me the whole time. Literally right beside me. My friend jordan showed up at the pool and hung out with us. She said that we still look cute together and lexee started blushing also i think i did to. I mean i dont dissagree with jordan because she is right. Sorry for my language as this part but You could tell Lexee was flirting Hella hard. I think i was to. Then the next day i went to the pool again. Lexee was there and we hung out again. This part is funny, she wouldnt go in the water because it was really cold so literally everybody was trying to get her in the pool. Then her cousin came to the pool and she literally kept making jokes about us. Then lexee asked me to walk her to her grandmas house which was cute so i said i would. Literally the whole time we walked she wanted to be right beside me. Then that night she wanted to hang out but i couldnt because it was too late at night which kinda sucked. After the pool that day i texted jordan about lexee and jordan was also texting lexee which is funny. Apperently lexee told jordan stuff and jordan cant tell me what lexee said but jordan said ill find out at somepoint. Urgh the struggle is real because now im like scared to know what thet talked about ^_^ My love life is soo wierd.
Honestly i dont know how girls even like me i guess its just luck.
Ok so since school has ended ive gotten more depressed. I havnt talked about it to anybody because its hard to talk about.
I dont get to see my best friends. I saw jordan at the pool and i almost cried. I miss her. I miss reyna too. I havnt told you guys about her. She was and still is my best friend that moved away. When she moved is when i started to break officially. I didnt know what i was going to do. I felt lost without her. I still do to this day and its really hard. I dont get to text her much and it sucks. I feel distant from my best friends so much. I cry everyday because of everything im missing plus my future. I cry everyday thinking about my grandpa. After i think about him i end up thinking about my family members that have already died. I dont feel right talking about this but i am anyways because i know some people read this.
I started reading my friend L's online journal and its about her life in the LGBTQ+ community. You should go check it out
https://www.wattpad.com/story/180531142?utm_medium=link&utm_content=share_reading&utm_source=android
So besicly i listen to depressing music. I dont know why. I sometimes feel like it calms me down. Then when i feel like i need something different i listen to nightcore.
Here is a little bit of a story about when school was still in session. One day in school i was sitting in the back of the room minding my own business. I was having a really good day and i was in lunch. Ok so imma be like my friend L and use the same name she used for this guy. There is a douchbag lets call him Asperse. Well i was eating my lunch all peacefully and all of the sudden he started yelling out my exes name and moaning like he was lets just say making a baby with somebody. He did it infront of everybody at lunch and he was staring and smiling at me just to point out he was trying to annoy me. I tried to ignore him but it was really hard. I ended up in tears. At the time i was dating madison and she looked at me and saw that i was in tears. She asked if i was okay and i didnt answer. That day was half a day at school. The bell rang and i was still in tears. I started nearly running down the halls. I was pissed at the time. I was speed walking soo fast. I got to my locker, opened it and yanked my backpack out of it and slammed the door. Then i started speed walking again, still in tears, then madison ran up to me grabbed my hand and held it. That was the first time she ever held my hand. I looked at her ane she smiled at me. I wiped my tears away and there was still one on my face. She took her other hand and wiped it off and smiled. For a few minutes i felt like nothing ever happened. I felt this was the only thing in the world i care about. Yeah im gonna just stop talking about it now because its bringing back bad memmories.
But that explains how my school is. Its full of hate and pain. I literally sit at a end of a table at lunch with people that dont want me there. I call my group the UNWANTEDS. Nobody likes us. Nobody cares if we ended up killing ourselves. People hate me and L the most. Thats why i keep to myself. Thats why i basicly have no friends. All of my friends are online ones that live nowwhere near me. I live by this quote "Sometimes, the people that are 1000 miles away from you, can make you feel better than the people that are right beside you" its true. The people that are beside me are jerks and people that are not trustworthy. Ive tried not to be like those people. I try my best to be nice and trustworthy. Maybe im too nice sometimes though. Thats something that gets me hurt alot. I never stand up for myself. I am basicly a wimp.
