My diary

June 11, 2019

Dear Diary,
  I took a couple days away from this because I wanted to have more to talk about. In the past couple of days I've really had time to think. I went to Lubbock to see my family which was a relief. I've also had time to think about moving in with my Memaw and breaking up with Michael.

  On Saturday I had a couple puffs of weed. I don't smoke often, mostly because I start thinking about things too much. But thinking is exactly what i needed.

  I ended up making a whole pros and cons list of what why it would be good to break of with Micheal. The only cons I had is that I would have to live with my Memaw and my cats would have to stay outside, and that I would feel bad for breaking up with him.

  I can see it already; when I break up with him his drinking will increase. Drinking is his way with coping when he's depressed. But since alcohol is a depressant, it would just make things worst for him. Which is why I would feel bad. I don't want to be the cause of anyone's downfall.

  But my cats will be okay outside, right? Like, there are tons of stray cats and their living just fine. Except for the fact that my cats will actually have food to eat and clean water. So yeah, I think they'll be okay.

  Pros; I'll have more money to spend. I'll be able to get car insurance and save up money to pay for my semesters. I won't have to deal with being mentally drained when Michael gets drunk.

  Not to mention Micheal really wants us to get married. He even told his mom about it. And, I can't do it. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him.

  And it's not that he's a terrible boyfriend, he doesn't hit me. He gives me his time. He tries to understand my problems.
 
  He's a good boyfriend, really. Just not the good boyfriend for me, if that makes since.
***
I've been doing a lot of things just for me the past few days as well, and I've been feeling a big difference.

  I started adding things to my oral hygiene routine. Like; flossing twice a day, instead of when I remember to. And using a tongue scraper.

  Also, I've been more consistent with my face skin care routine. My skin glows. It glows. I usually only have break out during my menstrual cycle.

  I've done yoga every night. It helps me sleep better and, it'll help me with flexibility. Which will help me when I go back to the gym.

  I have also started eating more consistently. I don't really need to go into depth on why is this good. And I've been drinking more water. I mean, I need to pee more but I feel energized, and my skin is thanking me.

  I'm thinking about jumping on the cbd train and seeing if that helps any. But I have to do more research on it before I commit to that.