hollywood dreaming

ten

today was the day gus left for tour. i hadn't seen him in the past 9 days because he stayed with tracy. he didn't even bother to come and get the clothes from my house. they were left scattered around my room. i thought about taking them to him but i decided against it.

school was starting back up and i was happy about it. no more constantly thinking about gus or any of that bullshit. just straight school work from here on out. back to how i was before gus came into my life and corrupted it. no more parties. no more drinking or drugs. no more boys. no more fun.

"maeve." devin said.

"huh?" i asked, my eyes scanning the textbook in front of me.

"maeve." another voice said knocking the words out of my head.

"peep?" i said looking at him.

"you really think i'd leave without saying goodbye?" he said.

"kinda." i sighed.

"i wanna do this maeve. i'm sorry for everything in the past but i'm ready to do this. i don't care if i'm going on tour, i want to be with you." he said.

"you're leaving on tour. how is this supposed to work? i don't exactly trust you." i said rolling my eyes.

"i know but we can work on it. i'm gonna call you everyday. i promise i want this to work." he said.

"i don't know." i sighed again.

"please maeve. i don't have much time before we leave. let me make this right." he said.

"i wish you told me before. i asked you 9 days ago if you wanted to be with me and you were hesitant about it." i was pissed now. he walked over to me and got on his knees then grabbed my hands.

"maeve please. i know what i did and i'm sorry. just please." he said.

"no." i said bluntly.

"what?" he said standing up.

"i said no peep. maybe when you come back and i have time to think but not now." i said.

"are you kidding?" he said.

"i'm serious. i need time to think about it." i said looking at him.

"my mind won't change maeve. i want to be with you." he said.

"then let's see if you still feel like that after you come back. right now isn't the best time. if you truly want to be with me you'll respect my decision to wait." i said.

"okay." he said.

"can i get a hug before i go?" he said.

i stood up from my desk and wrapped my arms around his waist. he hugged me tight and kissed the top of my head. we hugged and i didn't want to let go. as much as i wanted to see him succeed i didn't want him to leave. when he finally let go i felt my heart break.

"i'll walk you down." i said.

i followed him down to the parking lot and hugged him once more before he climbed on the tour bus. i watched as the drive away and gus waved at me out the back window. once the bus was out of my view i went back up to my dorm. devin hugged me when i got back upstairs.

"you made a good choice." she said.

"it doesn't feel like it." i sighed.

"i know but it's what's best. show him you're not easy." she said.

i didn't say much after that. i went back in my room and buried myself into my school work. i didn't have much to study for but studying took my mind off of him. it was better than thinking about him and just moping around my dorm.

"hey wanna take a break and get some food?" devin asked, peeking her head in my room.

"sure." i said getting up from my desk.

she took me to in-and-out and we talked a lot. she talked about how she felt about jazz and i talked about peep. i let her talk a lot more because she's helped me a lot with peep and i want to repay her. so i listened to her tell me about how great things were going with jazz and that's when i got jealous.

not exactly jealous to the point where i want to ruin it but jealous to where i want what they have. jazz is an amazing guy and even though i've barely talked to him he's always been sweet. i don't know why things couldn't gone well between me and peep.

maybe it's the fact that devin isn't a college virgin. i feel like if i wouldn't have told peep i was a virgin things would be different. i just felt like he should know before we did anything too serious. i didn't want him to not know i was a virgin then us have sex.

it would've meant a lot to me if he took my virginity. maybe it's stupid for me to think someone like him would want someone like me. i didn't look innocent and i didn't think i was innocent but peep did. he treated me like i was some delicate complex flower. like i didn't know what was best for me. i appreciate his concern but i can use my own judgement.

"maeve are you even listening?" devin asked, shaking me from my thoughts.

"no i'm sorry." i said, sighing.

"what's on your mind?" she asked, like she didn't already know.

"peep." i sighed.

"you already miss him?" she asked.

"well yea but that's not what's on my mind." i said.

"then what is it?" she asked.

"why didn't he want me before?" she asked.

"i'm sure he wanted you. he's just scared to love someone like you." devin said then sipped her milkshake.

"what does that even mean?!" i said frustrated.

"you're pure and he's not exactly that. your pureness scares him. you could easily find someone better than him and i guess that scares him as well." she said.

"i'm not scared to love him. i'm not scared and that's why i fell for him. his unpureness gives me this kind of thrill that no one else can give me. i just want him to realize that i can handle what he has to offer." i said, and that's the realest i've been out loud.