hollywood dreaming

twenty two

gus and i we're back like nothing happened. except everything did happen. i may have put up this front but everything did happen. i wouldn't forget it. every time i think about bringing it up i think about how good we are right now. i don't want to ruin everything. i don't want to lose him again.

"what you thinking about boo?" he asked.

"why did you choose her?" i asked.

"what?" he asked.

"why did you choose emma?" i mumbled.

"maeve let's not." he sighed.

"i just-i don't like being a second choice." i said looking at my hands.

"maeve i-i um i really don't know what to say." he said clearing his throat. i felt a tear slip from my eye and i quickly wiped it away.

"maeve please don't cry." he whispered.

"you told me you couldn't lose her again, what about me? it was okay to lose me?" i said, my voice cracked and he sighed.

"maeve you don't understand." he said.

"i don't have to understand to know it's always going to be her. i'm always going to be the second chance. goddamnit gus i'm in love with you. and i've been too damn scared to tell you because i'm scared you're going to leave me again." i said raising my voice, "that day, do you remember me saying i had to tell you something? i was going to tell you i was in love with you. i was going to spill my heart to you and you broke it. fuck."

"maeve i-" he said.

"i think i should go." i said wiping my face and grabbing my keys.

"mae please don't go." he pleaded.

"why shouldn't i gus?" i shouted.

"i love you too." he said. i saw tears involuntarily falling down his face but he didn't show any recognition.

"goddamnit maeve i'm in love with you and i keep running from it because i'm scared. the only other person i've been in love with was emma and she ruined my life. i'm fucking scared!" he yelled. i flinched and his face softened.

"i'm sorry." he whispered.

he walked over to me and gently cupped my face in his hands. he wiped my tears, i didn't even know were there, with his thumbs. he then pulled me into a hug and he squeezed me tight. it was those kinda hugs where you never want the person to let go.

"i love you maeve." he said.

"i love you gus." i sniffled.

"i have so many regrets with you mae. i never wanted to hurt you but i did and i hate myself for it. i know sorry doesn't change what happened but i really am fucking sorry." he said, i just stayed quiet.

he gently picked me up and carried me to his bed. he lied my body down and kissed my forehead. lied right down next to me and just held me. i didn't want to talk anymore and i knew for a fact he didn't either.

it felt weird being in his house. he's got this big nice place and it's a huge contrast from my dorm. he's got all kinds of ridiculous furniture scattered around. it's the kind of furniture you have to stare at for a while to look good. his house represents him so well.

"hey maeve." he whispered.

"hey gus." i whispered.

"i'm sorry." he mumbled.

"please stop apologizing." i mumbled.

"sorr-shit i mean okay." he said.

i got on top of him and straddled his waist. i gently placed my hand on his chest and looked him in the eyes. i placed a chaste kiss on his lips and sighed. i wanted this forever, without arguments. i don't want to lose this man ever again. every time he's ran from me i ran back and i think it's fate or i'm really, really dumb. i don't care if anyone thinks i'm stupid, i love him.

he pulled me into his lips and heated things up a bit. his hands gripped both sides of my ass and my hands gripped his hair. he sat up and allowed my hips to grind into his. he took a handful of my hair and yanked me back on the bed.

he pulled his shirt off his body and climbed on top of me. put lips reconnected and his hand wrapped around my throat. he squeezed and i let out a soft moan. he pulled my skimpy shorts and underwear off in one pull. his hands moved to right where i needed.

"baby you're so wet." he moaned.

"it's your fault." i giggled.

"fuck you're so hot." he groaned. 

"gus!" i heard someone yell.

"fuck." gus mumbled.

"stay here. i'll be right back." he said, clumsily pulling on basketball shorts.

i lied in his bed and ran my fingers through my hair. i grabbed one of his huge hoodies and slipped out of his bedroom. i saw a girl on his couch with all black hair and short bangs across her forehead. i stared for s moment before her eyes made contact with mine. confusion crossed her entire face.

"oh uh, maeve this is layla." he mumbled.

"hi." i squeaked.

"go back to bed. i'll be there in a second." he sighed.

"okay." i mumbled.

i carried myself up his stairs and sighed as i sat on his bed. that's when i felt disappointment in myself. disappointment for almost giving myself up to him. for thinking that he could ever love me the same as he does emma. for over thinking this entire situation and making things worse for myself.

i heard him coming back upstairs and i could hear the dread in his walk. his slow ambiguous walk up his stairs. i knew he didn't want to discuss why that girl was here and i wasn't going to force him. we had something good right now and for me to ruin it would be a sin.

so when he crawled into bed and cuddled himself into me i didn't say a word. i let him fall asleep to the sound of my heart jumping in my chest. because i love him.