hollywood dreaming

twenty eight

tracy told me that gus went to rehab. he was in for 3 months and then he came home. i really hope he got the help he needs because i don't want to see him lose to drugs. i don't want to have to attend that funeral. i still loved him with all my heart. no one could replace this feeling. but it was time to move on for better.

after seeing him in the hospital it broke me again. i feel like i caused it. i feel like i was the reason he got into all the drugs and alcohol. everyone told me it wasn't my fault but my brain kept telling me it was. i didn't know how to deal with shit like this.

my parents told me this was a learning opportunity and i shouldn't have been with someone "like him" in the first place. they set me up with alex again but this time i actually agreed to the date. he wouldn't be my first choice, because god knows gus is my first choice forever, but he wasn't horrible looking.

"so maeve," the way alex said my name made me sick, "i heard you're pursuing an art career?"

"i am! being a doctor just wasn't what i was interested in." i said.

"well i just believe that a woman shouldn't have to work. she should stay home and enjoy herself. i mean it would be nice to come home to a clean house and dinner hot and ready." he said with a smile. i was disgusted.

"i like doing art. i would hate being home all day." i said bluntly.

"you know you would be so beautiful with a more natural hair color. and a little color in your clothing!" he said as if he was actually giving me advice.

"alex i think this date is over." i said placing a 20 on the table and leaving.

his misogynistic words made my heart hot with anger. i felt my face heat up, i was so pissed. i remembered why i never agreed to go on a date with that pig. the entire way to my apartment my head filled with ways i would make sure alex didn't reproduce but i figured with the way he talked it wouldn't happen at all.

i got back to my apartment and when i walked up the stairs in my apartment building, someone was sitting in front of my door. the second i saw the shoes i could tell you exactly who it was. since i hadn't seen him since he was in the hospital, my stomach turned from anxiety. he must've heard me come up the stairs because our eyes made contact.

"hi." he squeaked out.

"why are you here?" i asked.

"i needed to see you." he said weakly.

"gus i don-" i started.

"please maeve. i need this." he said. he sounded so broken.

i sighed and unlocked my apartment door. he followed me inside and to my bedroom. i sat down at my desk and threw my hair up in a ponytail. i grabbed a makeup wipe and began to take off my makeup. i knew i was going to cry so i decided to just take it off.

"are you just going to stare at me while i take my makeup off?" i said.

"i'm not sure what to say." he mumbled.

"look gus, i loved you. i showed you nothing but acceptance and love. i was loyal to you every, single, day, we were together. neither of us can change the outcome of what happened. you hurt me and you hurt yourself in the process. and i wish i could tell you i was over you because fuck god knows i wish i was. but i can't seem to fucking wrap my head around why i was never good enough for you. i don't know if any amount of words, from anyone, telling me that this wasn't my fault would make me believe them. i blame myself constantly. i constantly think of ways i could've been better. that's what destroyed me the most. that's the thing that made my brain fucking go insane. i'm fucking rambling right now but it feels so good to get this out. i'm not trying to guilt trip you i'm just telling you how it is. i said i loved you but fuck gus i still love you. for some fucked up reason i still think of you every day. i wish shit turned out differently, but it didn't. if you came here for some kind of closure, i don't think this is helping." i said. hot tears streamed down my face and my body started to shake.

"maeve god damnit i wish i shit was different too. i hate myself for what i did to you. i was a scared fucking kid, just discovering who i was. fuck maeve i'm still a scared kid but i'm trying my best to work on it. i don't know who i am without you. i don't know how to be who i am without you. every single day my heart aches to be with you. i know that was corny but i think of you every single second. you believed in me and i shouldn't have taken you for granted. i still love you maeve and i know i fucked up. i will never be able to take that back. i will never be able to take that hurt from you but i would in a fucking heartbeat. if i could take all the hurt in the world and put it on myself just so you never hurt again, i would. i fucking miss you maeve. that's why i came here to see you. i haven't talked this much to anyone in over a year. i still fucking love you maeve." he said, tears now streaming down his face.

we both looked at each other for a minute or two before he hugged me. i didn't know how much i needed a hug from him. my body stopped shaking but the tears flowed harder. i missed him. it's like i finally felt full again. in his arms i felt full. maybe this was the closure we both needed.

"i'm growing up maeve. i'm trying so hard not to be that scared kid i was. i'm trying so hard to open myself up to commitment. i'm trying to open the idea of not running from my feelings. i'm trying so hard, for you. i don't want to be that scared kid anymore. i want to be good for you. i want you back in my life. i want a future with you. fuck maeve some day i want to marry you." gus spoke softly but with meaning.

my heart was scared to open up to him again. i was terrified that he would leave me again or cheat again. i didn't know what to say but i did know i didn't want him to let go in this moment. i motioned for him to come to my bed and he followed. he took off his jeans and hoodie and crawled into my bed.

"aren't you uncomfortable in those jeans?" he asked

"i don't have the energy to take them off." i mumbled.

he uncovered us momentarily and slipped the jeans off my legs.

"bra too." i said.

he smiled and unclipped my bra. he sat me up and slipped off my shirt and bra. he reached off the bed and grabbed his hoodie then slipped it over my head. once we both got comfortable enough we fell asleep, maybe just one last time, together.