Chapter 6
Brian knows better than to lie to me, and not in a way meaning there could be consequences if he does. It's more of an unspoken honesty agreement we have had since our friendship started. I never lie, ever. Everything that comes out of my mouth is truthful and, if by any means it isn't, it comes from a place of irony or humor. He reflects off of my honesty and tries to do the same as much as possible. With that thought is that I patiently wait for him to answer my question.
"Not yet," he finally speaks. "But I know I will, some day."
His words make absolutely no sense. I'm trying to know if he's asking me to have sex with him and he says: not yet. What does that even mean? I'm not sure if I just think it or if I actually voice the question, but he then gives me an explanation.
"It's gonna sound horrible, and I feel like a horrible, horrible person for thinking like this but..." there is yet another pause in his speech. I have to once again try to figure out where he's going with all of this. My mind is going a million miles per hour, thinking of all the possible outcomes, and none of them is a nice one, and, none of them is even close to what comes out of his mouth next.
"I know you will always be, like, there, you know? Like, if at some point I feel lonely, I know I can pick up the phone, call you, and you'll be there. Like, I know for sure, I have you there. I don't want to use that card until I have absolutely exhausted all my other possibilities."
I don't know if his words don't really process in my brain or if it's my heart the one that refuses to accept this confession, either way, I can feel the beginnings of a panic attack taking over my body.
"So, I'm your... back-up?"
He shakes his head, turning in his seat to face me completely. "No, it's not like that. It just that I..."
"No, I get it," I interrupt him. I don't wanna hear a made up reason when everything just became extremely clear to me. "I'm your safety net. Something to fall back on. Something you put on the top shelf, knowing it will always be there for when you need it. You know, I have been used many times in my life, used and abused." I have to stop myself, that's a lie. "No, never abused. Or, I don't know, maybe. I've searched for love, for carnal satisfaction, for escapes from my reality, and I have never cared about the price. I always knew it had a cost, and I was willing to pay; so much so that it almost cost me my sanity." Tears want to come out, cutting my speech and making it hard to breath. "But I thought you were different. You are... were different! You never asked for anything in return. Your love was given to me freely and unconditionally. Hearing you say that I'm literally your last option, just... I don't even know."
Something in me tells me to get out of there, to walk away from this conversation, from this feeling, from him. I stand up, but my feet won't move. I can't make them take the necessary steps to disengage myself from this situation. Surely, I have always found a certain pleasure in pain, both physical and emotional, but this is a level that I had never experienced before.
There's a burning feeling on my skin. I shake violently, trying to get rid of the horrible sensation. Just then do I notice it's Brian's hand, securely wrapped around my arm. He probably notices I'm ready to run so this is his way to stop me.
My eyes are glued to his fingers and the tight grip they have on me, the burning growing by the second. My vision travels up his arm to find his face. His eyes are red and watery.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean to hurt you. My-my... my words came out twisted."
With a fast move I manage to make him let go. "No, they didn't. They were loud and clear."
The first tear that runs down, I can't really tell if it's from his eye or mine, most likely the rivers start flowing simultaneously.
"Brian," the word leaves his lips in a desperate way, almost begging. "Katya."
That's it, hearing my name in such a tone, as such a plea, becomes my undoing. Before I know it, my knees give out and I find myself slowly going down. Sobs are generated at the bottom of my lungs, burning their way up my throat, and come out more like a scream.
"You... I... I think you should go."
Even when I'm looking at the ground, I sense more than see how he hunches right in front of me to be at my eye level. His hands take a hold of each of my shoulders and he shakes me until I finally look up at him.
"Bitch, don't. Don't do this to me." His eyes are wild. He's desperate, lost. "Please, understand. I love you. You know that, right? You know that I love you! My love for you is the realest thing I have ever felt. That's not fake. That's not... conditioned, or whatever the fuck you called it. But being with you could mean losing you."
"Losing me? What the fuck are you talking about?" My frustration and confusion are mixing, and that is not a good combination. "There's nothing between us and you are already breaking us up? That's some next level shit, let me tell ya."
With his knees still bent, he stretches his neck to stare right into my eyes. "Have you ever been in a relationship that didn't end?"
I have no answer to that. All I can do is move away from his touch. The tingling on my skin is unbearable by this point.
His soft voice comes from behind me. "I just don't want anything to change between us."
My head shakes and a sarcastic huff accompanies the action, fresh new tears falling down my cheeks to the movement. "It just did." I turn to him, not caring if all he can see is a broken version of myself. "Seriously, you should go now."
We walk the short distance to the front door and I open it. He walks right through it. His head is hanging low as he stands in the hallway. His eyes pierce mine as I close the door in his face.
