Void // Billie Eilish

Nine

~
Billie
~

Lexi falls asleep holding me, even with the loud music and voices from the living room carrying down the hall. To be fair, I could probably fall asleep with the noise too; it's my brain that's keeping me awake right now.

My fear didn't just vanish when she convinced me to go on a date with her, it's still festering at the back of my mind and trying to influence everything I do. My brain has always been this way; it singles out the flaws in something I want, highlights them, and never lets me forget them. Sometimes it's flaws in songs I write or styles I choose, sometimes it's flaws in people in my life and my relationships with them.

Essentially, my brain just doesn't let me enjoy things for too long.

In Lexi's case, my brain likes to highlight the fears I have of being hurt again. I loved Lexi with my whole heart, and in the process put my life and career in danger for months. I got through all of that because I loved her, only for her to ghost me and leave me feeling completely broken until I was able to start slowly piecing myself back together.

I roll around in her arms to look at her and smile to myself because I've always thought that Lexi is so cute when she sleeps. Especially when I first met her and she always seemed to have either a glare or a smirk on her face, because when she sleeps she looks all soft and sweet instead.

Now she seems to be soft and sweet all the time, but part of me is starting to wonder if that's all an act she puts on for me. I haven't really seen a glimpse of the old Lexi yet, and I can't tell if it's because she's genuinely changed or if she's just hiding from me.

As you can see, I'm pretty paranoid.

I walk over to the corkboard above her desk and examine the pictures again, smiling at the ones I find myself or people I know it. On her desk below it is a scatter of schoolwork and a bong, which makes me scrunch my nose. I've noticed that Lex has been smoking way more than she used to, which I don't love. I know that weed isn't all that harmful, but the amount she smokes can't be great. Sure, I smoke occasionally in social situations, but I've seen how people I know get sucked into worse shit after drinking and smoking heavily, and that's not how I'm trying to be.

Plus, it's even worse because Lexi is on probation. Even though weed is legal now, she's still underage for a few months, and everyone knows that they will take any excuse to toss people under probation back in prison. I don't know what I'd do if Alexis got locked up again.

Thats the other fear I have of getting back together with Lexi. I know she didn't ask for anything that happened to her, but it was still awful getting sucked up in everything she was involved in. I know she says that the trial is over and the gang has been completely dismantled, but after everything we went through I'm scared that it's too good to be true. What if shit goes down again?

"Come back to bed," I hear and turn around to see Lexi sitting up slightly and looking at me tiredly.

I smile softly and walk over to the bed, crawling in with her. She wraps her arms around me and pulls me against her chest, making me feel instantly safer and more secure.

"Can't sleep?" she asks and I shake my head. "Because of the music?" I shake my head again. "Why then?"

"Just thinking," I reply and smile when kisses kisses my neck sweetly.