Void // Billie Eilish

Twenty One

~
Alexis
~

"I'm not keeping it."

"Oh," I reply simply, which doesn't reflect the amount of thoughts swirling around in my mind.

I thought this is what I wanted her to decide, and it mostly still is, but a little part of me is disappointed right now.

The part of me that was very slowly warming up to the idea of Billie deciding to keep it, and me sticking around to help her through everything.  There have been nights recently where sleep hasn't come easy, and my mind has wandered to what could be if she decided to keep it. I thought about how there could be a little Billie running around with big blue eyes and chubby cheeks and I didn't hate the idea at all.

I know it's ridiculous to think about Billie and I raising a kid together at this point in our lives. It would be a disaster, with Billie's hectic career and any mountain of baggage paired with our young age and at times turbulent relationship. But even with all of that in mind, thinking about starting my own family with Billie is a really fucking nice one.

All I know is that one day I'll make up for my lack of a stable family growing up by creating one of my own; with Billie.

I can't imagine it with anyone else.

"I think you two should talk alone," Maggie says and gets up from the couch, Finneas following her lead.

She walks towards the door but stops to give me a quick hug that catches me off guard for a moment. "It's really good to see you, Alexis," she says before pulling away and leaving with Finneas.

When the door shuts I look at Billie again, finding her looking back at me with a slightly confused expression.

"You looked disappointed," she notes and I shake my head in response as I sit down on the couch.

"No, no. Any decision you make for yourself is the right one, I'm not disappointed," I say honestly and think for a moment. "This is dumb, it's just...I dunno I guess part of me was all giddy at the thought of raising a baby with you."

Her face softens and she moves from her spot to sit next to me on the sofa. I instantly reach for her hand and lace our fingers together when she lets me take it.

"Part of me was thinking about that too," she replies and I look at her, surprised. "I had a dream it was a girl the other night, and you called her Little Princess and played soccer with her and sang her to sleep with me," she tells me and my lips perk up into a smile while my heart flutters at the thought.

"Little Princess," I muse and smile wider. "That's what I call Addy."

Billie smiles too as she looks at me. "You're gonna make a great mom one day."

"I dunno about that," I reply and sigh. "I mean that's all I want, but I don't really have a model for that. My mom was shit, I'm probably gonna end up like her."

Billie instantly shakes her head. "I don't know much about your mom, but from what you've told me you're nothing like her," she insists, but I don't really take it in. "Lexi, you're the most loving and caring person I know when you let people in. I know you try to convince other people you don't give a fuck about things and all that, but we both know that's not who you are at your core. I've seen the real you, and trust me when I say one day you'll make an incredible mom."