Don't tell my best friend.

4. Losing it.

Last night was insane, theoretically speaking it was the best date in my entire life, not that I had dated many guys, but the few I had, have been OK dates, compared to this very one. How bizarre is that my best date was with a straight guy, not just any straight guy but my best friend's boyfriend. So fuck me, I'm the worst best friend in the entire universe.

So what exactly was that? I had opened up about my father and how sad my birthday made me feel, because all I could think of was the fact that I wasn't going to see him, that I wouldn't have a cake waiting for me, my mom tried the first 2 years, but then it just made sense not to, we ended up sad, crying, it wasn't the same. I give her credit for it. She deserves it, but the loss of my father had affected both of us in huge ways.

My little sister, on the other hand, wasn't as affected as I was, she barely has any memory of our father. She was 4-5 years old when he passed, she does remember his perfume, his beard when he kissed her, carrying her around. But the grief seemed to have erased most of the memories she had of him, which is sad.

I don't know what would be of me if I didn't have my dads memories. If I couldn't replay those memories and birthdays where he made me the star of the show, where he treated me like I was the best thing in this world, days like this I just missed him so much.

I had arrived home, in need of a cold shower, I played some instrumental melancholic music which was my mood at the moment, put my phone on silent while I took a long shower, replaying on my head what had gone wrong. Whether there were any signs I didn't catch on time and led to Raphael kissing me. I mean, it felt wrong the fact that we had kissed, but was it a kiss from pity? or had he been thinking about kissing me for a while.

As I had spent the whole night, listening to him, looking at his face, his hair, his lips and things he did while speaking and eating, that made him so cute, how he talked about the things that he liked, how much stuff we had in common and sometimes I could not avoid talking about myself, my interest as excited as he was and we kept talking, laughing, drinking, it felt too comfortable, the ease of the whole interaction between us.

I don't talk with people like this, I mean is usually me talking, them using their phones or looking at other guys around. While I give them the monologue of my life. But with Raphael was different, he kept asking questions, saying things about himself, becoming a profound conversation that may have started from silly things and we just ended up talking about what we wanted to do with our lives, where we saw each other in 10 years.

It was just so smooth, it felt so good. Time flew, then I was sitting in his car, crying because of my birthday because I felt lonely and then he proceeds to kiss me, not a wild kiss, a soft kiss, one of those you keep for the special ones.

My inner sides were crumbling I kept feeling butterflies in my belly every time I thought about that kiss, I lied on the bed, thinking about my life choices, when I got a call, instantly my brain thought it was Raphael, I picked up without checking who it was.

"Happy birthday love, so sorry not being there, I hope you enjoy it and make the best of it without me". It was Lea, I felt such a bad friend not only had I kissed her boyfriend but I also thought for a second he was calling me, checking on me, how naive of me to think like that. "Hey love, thanks for calling me, I read your text earlier, but was busy crying, I was about to text you.." I said to her, "Don't worry babe, I know that's why I wanted to call you, things are fine here, I might take an extra couple of days, already emailed everyone letting them now, my mom isn't feeling well and honestly neither am I. So I think it is for the best that I stay here with her to heal and grief" She said as I could feel the pain on her words. "I know, take your time, I'll be here waiting for you, loving you no matter what" I heard her sobbing or holding tears "Thanks, I love you, remember that" She said and before she hung up on me I replied back "I love you too" we closed the call, we weren't friends of saying I love you or things like that, but we knew when it needed to be said and this was definitely one of those times. But after it was said, we needed time to think about it, so that's why we never said anything afterward. Just hung up and then talk hours after. But tonight my thoughts were not letting me think clearly. I had a name on my mind, repeating itself over and over and I did not know what to do to get it out. So I did exactly what was expected from me, exactly what society has framed us like hoes, promiscuous homos, but sex was therapy and right now I needed a long session to get Raphael out of my mind once and for all. So I opened up my phone, replied to Tieguy, called a taxi and drove to his place.