The nanny Diaries

CHAPTER TEN

                THE NANNY DIARIES

I walked over to the Third, trying to figure out how many of each things I'm supposed to buy, as if it were a logic puzzle. It's a sit-down dinner, so it can't be a ton of people, but it must be more than, say, eight, or so, if she's having caterers and renting tables. I think she's renting three tables and they are probably six or eight each, so that'll be eighteen or twenty-four... So, either I show up empty handed or I pick a number.

   Twelve.
   I stop in front of the liquor store. Twelve. That feels right. I lug the twelve bottles of Piper Heidsieck to Gracious Home, a housewares store, whose two initial branches are bizarrely right across Third Avenue from each other. They carry everything from luxury items at luxury parices to everyday household items at luxury prices.

All so a woman can walk in, buy a ten dollar bottle of cleanser, and walk put with a fire shopping bag, feeling as if she's had some fun.
   I start pulling out picture frames and clearing out all their soap, but i have no idea what or where lavender water is. I look at the list.

   LAVENDER WATER. Like the other women I've worked for, I'm sure she used all caps without thinking, threw the underline in as an afterthought, but to me, she's screaming. It's as if, suddenly, her life depends on LAVENDER WATER or MILK or EDAMAME. I'm tempted to put my hands up to my ears as their heads rise out of the notepaper, like something from Terminator 2, screaming, "CLOROX!!!!"
 
   I commence combing the shelves in pursuit of lavender water and find that Caswell-Massey only makes freesia water, but she definitely wanted lavender water. Crabtree and Evelyn have lavender drawer liners, but that's clearly not it. Roger and Gallet make a lavender soap and Rigaud. I'm informed, "doesn't do lavender."

Then finally, on the very bottom shelf of another wall, with Grayer scheduled to drop and roll out of the town car in exactly five minutes, I see The Thymes Limited Lavender Home Fragrance Mist, Parfum d'Ambiance. This has got to be it; it's the only watery-type lavendery thing here. I'll take it. Make that twelve.

       Nanny,
      I'm not sure where I gave you the impression for you to bother my husband.
   I spoke with him and we're setting you up with a cell phone, so the next time you're in doubt we'd appreciate it if you just call me. Justine at Mr. X's office will give you the correct head count. But it will definitely be closer to thirty than twelve.
Also, please find a moment today to exchange whatever you bought yesterday for Lavender Linen Water  by L'Occitane. (We only need one bottle as it's a cleaning tool, not a party favor.)

"Hi, Mon?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm talking to you on a cell phone. Know why ?"
" 'Cause you're one of them now?"
"No. Because I'm so not one of them I can't be trusted to perform even the simplest task, say, pick out lavender water."

   "Lavender what ?"
   "You pour it in your iron and it makes your rented tablecloths smell like the South of France."
   "Useful."
   "And I am being made to feel incompetent over this wh---"
   "Bud?"
   "Yeah?"
   " No complaining from the cute-girl-with-her-own-cell-phone."
   "Fiiine."
   "Love ya. Bye."

   The girl with her own cell phone calls her best friend, Sarah, at Wesleyan. "Hi, you've reached Sarah, impress me. Beep---"
   "Hey, it's me . At this very moment I am walking down the street and talking to you. Just like I could on a train, a boat, or even from the makeup floor at Barney's, because... I got a cell phone. She gave me a cell phone! See, that's not a perk you get as a professor's assistant. Bye !"

   Then I ring Grandma. "Sorry I'm not here to chat , but tell me something fabulous anyway. Beep---"
   "Hi, Gran, c'est moi. I'm out on the street talking to you on my brand-new cell phone. Now all I need is a Donna Karan bikini and we can hit the Hamptons. Woohoo! Talk to you later! Bye!"

   And then home to check my messages.
   "Hello?" My roommate's voice answers.
   "Charlene?" I ask.
   "Yes ?"
   "Oh, I was just calling to check my messages."
   "You don't have any."
   "Oh, okay, thanks. Guess what ? I'm on my new cell phone! She gave me a cell phone!"
   "Did she tell what kind of calling plan she got you?" Charlene asks flatly.
   "No, why?" I scramble to check Mrs. X's notes.
   "Because no plan calls costs seventy-five cents a minute and cell phone bills are itemized, incoming and outgoing, so she'll know exactly who you're been talking to and what it cost her---"
   "Gottagobye---" And thus my brief love affair with my cell is brought to a screeching halt.

Mrs. X starts ringing constantly with new requests for the dinner party. In rapid succession I buy the wrong-colored  gift bags for the presents, the wrong ribbon to tie the bag closed, and the wrong shade of lilac tissue paper to stuff them with. Then, in a stunning crescendo , I buy the wrong-sized place cards.
   Usually when she calls she refuses to talk to Grayer, despite he's desperate pleadings from the stroller, because "it would just confuse him." And then he cries. Sometimes she calls just to talk to Grayer. Then I push the stroller as he listens earnestly to the cell phone, as if he were getting a stock report.

Wednesday afternoon:
   Ring. ". . . the impact on the cerebellum . . ." Rings. ". . . can be charted here in . . ." Ring.
   "Hello?" I whisper, crouching down with my head beneath the desk.
   "Nanny?"
   "Yes?"
   "It's Mrs. X."
   "I'm, yeah, I'm in class."
   "Oh! Oh. Well, the thing is, Nanny, the paper hand towels you picked out for the guest bathroom aren't the right shade of toile . . ."

Nanny,

I'll be coming by at three with the car to pick up Grayer for his portrait. Please bathe him, brush his teeth, and dress him in the outfit I've left on the bed, but be careful not to let him wrinkle it. Give yourself enough time to get him ready, but not so much that he has a chance to get messy.Maybe you should at 1:30.
   Also, here are some handouts from last night's Parents League meeting. "Mommy, Are you Listening?___ Communication and Your Preschooler." I've highlighted applicable.       passages---- let's discuss!                              

     After the portrait we'll be going to Tiffany's to pick out a gift for Grayer's father.

H

ey Guys
How did you react when you got your first cell phone ? 😂😂

Don't forget to vote, comment and share 😘 and I'm back so expect a lot of new chapters