THE NANNY DIARIES
One would think that the customer service mezzanine at Tiffany's would have enough chairs to accommodate all of us, their adoring public. However soft lighting and fresh flowers do little to offset the fact that it's more crowded in here than JFK on Christmas Eve.
"G, you're making marks on the wall with your sneakers. Stop it," I say. We've been waiting for Mrs. X's name to be called so she can get the gold watch engraved that she'll be presenting to Mr. X at the party . It's been over half an hour and Grayer is really starting to get antsy.
She grabbed a seat when we came in, but suggested that I "keep an eye on Grayer," who, she insisted, should remain "where he'll be more comfortable" ---in the lounge chair that is his stroller. I tried standing against the wall for a while, but as soon as the blonde with the Fendi handbag plopped herself on the floor to study her Town and Country I slid down.
Mrs. X has been perma-attached to her cell phone, so I'm keeping the aforementioned eye, and hand , on Grayer. The very same Grayer who has taken to using his saddle shoes to push off from the cream paisley wallpaper in order to see how far back he can roll before hitting someone.
"Nanny, let good."
"Grover. I've asked you three times to stop. Hey, let's play I Spy. I spy something green---" I spy cheek implants.
He struggles to reach down where my hand is now serving as a brake on the right stroller wheel. His face is getting red and I can see he is nearly ready to explode. She took him to pose for portraits after school let out and we've been stuck running errands for the party ever since, After being in school all morning, frozen in smiles all afternoon, and literally strapped in, he can't be blamed for hitting the limit.
"Come on, this one is hard. I spy something green. Betcha can't find it." I tighten my grip on the stroller wheel as he hurls himself over the front bar, then gets snapped back by the straps, he resolve to free himself hardening. People standing near us shuffle away as much as the crowd will allow. I keep a smile on my face as my fingers get pinched into the carpet. Starting to feel a little like James Bond holding the ticking bomb, I assess potential escape routes to a less public venue for his impending tantrum. Five . . . four . . . three . . . two---
"I. WANT. TO. GET. OUT!" He thrust himself forward to emphasize each word .
"X? Mrs. X, we'll see you now at desk eight." A girl my age ( with whom, at this moment, I would trade positions in an absolute heartbeat ) motions for Mrs. X to follow her to the long row of mahogany desks around the corner.
"LET'S GO, I want to get out! I don't want to play! I don't want the stroller!"
Mrs. X pauses as she rounds the corner to place her right hand over the speaker of her cell. She turns to me, beaming, and whispers as she points to Grayer. "Emoting. He is emoting to communicate his boundaries!"
"Right," I mouth back as reach to loosen the stroller straps before he hurts himself. She disappears down the dark blue ha as I wheel our Emoting Grayer to the stairwell where he will be be able to communicate those boundaries while his father's new watch gets the attention it deserves.
Nanny,
The caterers will be setting up the tables this afternoon, so please keep Grayer out of their way. The head of the Chicago office will be coming by to do the seating arrangement.
I was wondering if you could throw something together for Grayer's dinner, since I won't be home till eight. He loves Coquilles St. Jacques. And I think we have some beets in the fridge. That should be simple. See you at 8. Also , don't forget to do his flasheards.
Thanks a bunch!
Coquilles say what?! Whatever happened to Mac and cheese with a side of broccoli?
In desperate search of a cookbook I pull open the team cupboard doors, trying not to mark the trompe d'oeil walls, but there isn't a single cookbook to be found, not even the token Joy of Cooking or Silver Palate.
She owns what I estimate, based on a Christmas stint at Williams Sonoma, I've over $40,000 , yet everything continually looks as though it's just been unpacked. From the La Cornue Le Château custom color stove with electric and gas ovens that start at $15,000 , to the full set of Bourgeat copper cookware for $1,912 , everything is of the best quality. But the only appliance that looks broken in is the Capresso C3000 espresso machine that retails for $2,400. And, no, for that price, it does not find you a man. I asked.
I open all the cabinets and the drawers, trying to familiarise myself with the equipment, as if holding each Wüsthof knife might tell me the secret to the St. Something I'm supposed to be preparing.
My search for a recipe leads me out to her office where I find nothing but a make-up Neiman Marcus catalog and Connie, the Xes' housekeeper on her knees scrubbing the doorknob with a toothbrush.
"Hi, do you know where Mrs. X keeps her cookbooks?" I ask.
"Mrs. X don't eat and she don't cook." She recipes the toothbrush in a jar of polish. "She got you cookin' for the party?"
"No--- just dinner for Grayer---"
"Can't see what's so special about this party. She hated having people here. We had, maybe, three dinners since she been here."
She nods her head as she deftly scrubs around the keyhole. "There's a bunch of books in the second guest room--- try there "
"Thanks."
I continue roaming from room to cavernous room until I get to the guest suite. I skin the titles in the floor-to-ceiling bookcase:
Why should You Have the Baby? Stress and the Fertility Myth
They're Your Breast Too: The New Wet Nurse Guide
Sooner or Later We All Sleep Alone: Getting Your Infant Through the
Night
Taking the Bite Out of Teething
The Zen of Walking--- Every Journey Begins with a First Step
The Idiot's Guide to Potty Training
The Benefits of the Suzuki Method on Your Child's Left Brain
Development
The Body Ecology Diet for Your Toddler
Making the Most of Your Four-Year-Old
How to Package Your Child; The Preschool Interview
Make it or Break it: Navigating Preschool Admissions
. . . And everything else you could possibly imagine in this genre to fill up four bookshelves right up through.
City Kids Needs Trees; The Benefits of a Boarding School Education The SATs --- Setting the Scene for the Rest of Your Child's Life
I stand in silence with my mouth open, forgetting, for a full moment, the Coquilles and beets. Huh.
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The nanny Diaries
HumorNan has a tricky relationship with her employer, Mrs. A non- existent relationship with Mr X. But she loves their little boy to pieces. In between looking after four-year-old Grayer and running a thousand errands for Mrs X, his rich, upr...
