24 hours

hour 1

7:00 pm

i awake from a calming nap after my alarm buzzes like daggers in my ears

" i must stay awake "

tomorrow is the day i've planned it all out so secretively and cautiously

i fight my urges to drift back off into happiness and roll off my soft covers and place my feet in the floor, the floor is ice on my skin, tingles run up my legs and up my spine

i feel a rush of electricity go through my bones and feel as though i've been paralyzed

i wiggle my toes and push my weight off my bed and walk over to the door

the mirror, from my head to toe, taunts me

i ignore its vicious words and place my hand on the door handle and it slowly turns

the creaking burns my ears for my house is dead silent

i walk to the stairs, holding onto the railing, for my walking is unsteady after just waking up

i count the steps while walking down

1

2

3

4

and then my mind drifts off remembering the fourth of may, my birthday, i will never see another fourth of may again

i remember the happiest fourth of may, when i received my first cell phone at my twelfth birthday party, all my friends and family were there, taking photos and laughing not at me, but with me

i felt loved

desired

but now i feel hated and deeply sad

but no one cares, not until they see my article in the obituary on pg ten of the chicago times tribune

as i hit the last step i awaken from my thoughts and walk towards the kitchen

i pass by family photos and drawings of princesses in castles and snowmen from kindergarten

i ignore them all

i pass by poems about love and flowers i wrote in the second grade

i almost stop to read them

but i ignore them all

i walk to the bathroom and grab a towel from the closet next to the door

hours ago i left the heat light on so when i step into the bathroom i walk into a steamy storm as if i were walking through a rainforest on a scorching hot, pleasant day

i walked in and exactly what i had hoped for happened

i loved the way the steam looked on the mirror

i was a blur

i was unable to see myself and i liked it that way

i couldn't see my imperfections

i hated myself

i turned on the water to the hottest degree as i could and shut the door

i pulled off my t-shirt and sweatpants and under-garments and stepped into the steamy paradise

i began to drift into my imagination

and soon enough it was

8:00 pm