Genesis

I'm Alone

Some days when I am broken I ask mother...

What if I had everything I ever wanted?
What if I had everything I desire?

Then son, you would not be this person you are today,
You would be fictional and exist only in imaginations.

Who am I mother?

You are an amazing person who struggles for the best things in life, but not for yourself... For those who matter to you.

But mother I have nothing but myself...

So everyone starts their life child, you will get something, you only have to wait.

*****

And other days I turn to father and ask...

What if you had never left?
I would be a better person because you would teach me virtues.
I would be a better man because you would show me how.
I would have less regrets because you would guide my steps.
I would be a better friend because you would teach me to talk.
I would be a better father because you would be that to me.
I would be a better husband because I would see how you are.
I would be a better me.

'No son, you would be like every other person' he says,
You would talk, think and act like every other human. But now child you are different, yes special.
You might not be a good friend,
You live with regrets,
You might not be a great man but you are a man nonetheless.

You are a great teacher because you have lessons from your mistakes,
You will be a great husband because you saw what mother went through,
You will be a great father because you know what you wanted as a child,
And child, you are the best version of Reason because you have values, virtues mother taught you, values you learnt from hardship and experience, emotional wars and betrayals.

This brings me no comfort father,
I am all alone on earth,
I know not how to relate with people, how they speak or feel.
I am misunderstood all the time because I use words in a crazy way...
Being different is no good thing father,
Being an oddity is no good thing.

You don't need them son,
You are alive even as you grew up an island,
You are not dead yet... And you won't be any soon.
Emotional wars you fight...everyday, with yourself and fake friends.
You see son there is one mistake.

Where?

Child you don't need them friends, have any you had been true? Has any made you feel wanted? Valued? Appreciated?
You love people who do not love you though they may profess to.
See child? I tell you you are different.
You love truly when you say you do, you never flatter and you give your heart to everyone you meet.
To you everyone matters, you love to a fault, consider every opinion and show empathy to all.
Child no one cares for you...
No I do not just say this, you have seen for yourself boy...
Is there anyone? Even if just one soul who you can undoubtedly say you matter to?
No, but you are just an option, not a subject, an option.
Stop getting attached to people, you are not like them...

I have no words father, that was harsh...

Truth is harsh child, truth is harsh.
But tell me son why do you do it?

I do not understand your words father, do what?

I know what you do.
You see clearly everyone and you can account for what they feel. You know they do not feel for you, but you let them say they do,
Though you never believe them, you let yourself be carried away by unreality,
You temporarily zone out truth, you get attached, you know you will get hurt but you dive right in.
You let yourself break over and over again... You let people hurt you, why child?

And then I turn to me, the only one who can know the truth...

Yes I let people hurt me,
I do not zone out truth or lose touch of reality...
I just hope for once someone will mean those words...
I love you (even now saying or hearing these words irritate me, write them but never voice)
Or
I care about you
You matter.
I know it won't happen, but still I dream...
I hope that for once I am wrong about a person.

But most times I want to get hurt,
I want to get hurt really bad.
Most times I want to be betrayed.
I want to be crushed, broken and weighed down,
I am all those but I want more.

Why?
So that I get driven so deep into...