You're My Home

Chapter Five

authors note: hey y'all sorry i didn't update last week! i was at camp. i had the best time of my life and i miss it so much. anygays y'all are getting hit with a *drumroll please* TRIPLE UPDATE!!! this is because i will also be gone the next two weeks for vacation! okay enjoy :)
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Lexa hasn't moved from Clarke's bed for the entire weekend. It's Sunday now and handling two kids has begun to wear Clarke out. But she'll do it for as long as Lexa needs.
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"Lexa?" Clarke nudges the bedroom door open with her foot, holding two mugs of steaming tea. Lexa laid curled into a pillow but stirred when Clarke sat down on the other side of the bed. She sleepily rolled over, her green eyes clouded with pain and something else...something soft. "Hi sleepy" Clarke shows Lexa a soft smile, hiding the growing worry she has for her. Without saying a word Lexa pushes herself up and crosses her legs, almost in a yoga pose. Clarke lifts her eyebrows and offers Lexa the mug. After hesitating, Lexa accepts it. She stares into the steam until the tea begins to turn cold.
"He died" Lexa whispered, just barely loud enough for Clarke to hear. Immediately Lexa winces away from her words but continues talking, "He was just standing there and the gun-oh my god-the gun and I reached and he pulled the trigger Clarke. He killed himself. And I watched it happen. I watched." Lexa's words come out hurried and in big breaths. Clarke feels instant relief that Lexa finally shared what happened but it's overcome with sadness and guilt and anger??
"Lexa listen to me," Clarke reaches behind her to set the mug down but doesn't take her eyes off Lexa. "That was not your fault. You did everything you could."
"But what if I didn't?!" Lexa's eyes turn wild and Clarke realizes just how much Lexa is blaming herself. "I've spent this entire weekend running the scenario over and over and I can't find anything that I forgot-"
Clarke interjects here, "See you-"
But Lexa continues, talking faster than before,
"What if I did. What if what if what if what if i did." Lexa's eyes glaze over and Clarke suddening realizes that she's in the midst of a panic attack.
"Shit" Clarke huffs out while she hurdles herself at Lexa, grabbing the mug away and then taking hold of her shoulders. "Eyes on me. Hey eyes on me" Clarke instructes calmly until Lexa's eyes dart to find hers. "Okay right now we are going to ground ourselves so I need you to tell me five things that you can see, right now." Lexa is shaking as she fumbles to find something.
"That um that TV."
"Good you're good that's good." Clarke soothes
"And that shirt on the floor and the ceiling I can see the ceiling." Clarke nods in agreement as Lexa carries on. "I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING ELSE CLARKE" Lexa looks as if she's about to explode with fear.
"Yes you can, you can see me right? I'm right here." Lexa licks her dry lips and slowly nods her head. "And what about that book? And that picture frame?" Lexa nods again, this time with more confidence. "Okay Lex that's good. Now can you tell me two things that you feel?" This time Lexa only panics for a second before she says, "The bed and- you. I can feel-I can feel you." Clarke smiles when Lexa takes a deep breath. Clarke takes in the girl with knotted hair in her huge t-shirt and feels an overwhelming urge of protectiveness before she wraps that girl in a tight hug. Lexa stiffens at first but then collapses into the embrace. Clarke held her for what seemed like hours. But Clarke didn't mind.
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Lexa is reportedly feeling "much better thank you" after a long boiling hot shower. While Lexa was in the shower Clarke changes her bedsheets so that Lexa could feel fresh and clean when she lays down again. Lexa emerged in a cloud of steam, wearing Clarke's sleep shorts and a purple shirt. Clarke smiled, put down the book and patted the empty space beside her. Lexa sat down and took the towel to her hair.
"Damnit." Lexa sighs and drops her brush in defeat, "It's so tangled." Clarke giggles softly before taking the brush from Lexa's hand and getting started at the bottom of the ridiculously long locks. Clarke expertly worked through Lexa's hair, having a lot of practice from brushing Madi's hair.
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Clarke leaned back against the headboard a while later, smiling in triumph. "And I'm done." Lexa stays facing away from her until Clarke reaches out to touch her shoulder. Lexa turned around sharply, surprising Clarke and causing her to yank her hand back. Lexa's eyes look different, decided and hard yet calm?? In one fluid motion Lexa's nose is touching Clarke's and she's on her hands and knees on the bed. Clarke's breath catches, she lets her eyes flutter down to Lexa's plump lips and then pulls back up to bright eyes. Before Clarke can start thinking, Lexa's slim hand is cupping Clarke's chin. Lexa hesitates for half a second and Clarke worries that she's going to pull away. She doesn't. Her eyes drift closed when Lexa's lips finally touch hers. Lexa is kissing her lightly, long and soft, not sure what Clarke will do. With half a million thoughts racing and half a million nerves firing, Clarke does the only thing that feels right. She brushes Lexa's cheek before settling her palm on that sharp jawline. Lexa takes that as an invitation and presses in deeper. Something goes off in Clarke, something that she hasn't felt in a long time. It scares her just enough to break the kiss. Lexa pulls back in a hurry, hurt and disappointment flashing through her features. Clarke takes a steady inhale, locking eyes with Lexa before she pulls her back into her lap. This time Lexa is sitting instead of kneeling, so she has two hands free. Clarke presses her forehead against Lexa's, reaching to tuck the tickling hairs behind tiny ears.
"Thank you"Lexa whispers into Clarke's smile. Clarke settles back to send a questioning look into emerald eyes. "For taking care of me, thank you" Clarke wants to tell her just how much she means to her. How much she would do for this woman without a second thought. How much she cared about her. But she doesn't. Instead Clarke smiles and pulls Lexa back into a kiss.